second cousin

Is it weird to like them. I mean like have a crush on them. I know it sounds weird, but there not my cousin cousin they my cousins kids. I feel weird about it but they are just adorbs. I like older guys who are like 17,18,19,20 no older than that. i'm gonna be 16 in a couple months. he's19. hes a navy diver which I think is pretty darn cool. he's cute. I may be the same height or even an inch taller, but that's ok. im tryna get a picture with him but im waiting till tonight. Its funny because everytime he talks to me or tickles me I smile and then when my dad looks at me I have a mad face. oh wow I almost said his name woo. that was close. haha well he turns 20 in april. I have his number now so I can talk to him.

Dreams.

the thing about dreams is that they can only come true if you make an effort to make them real. like for instance I had a dream that my ex would come into my life again and with a bit of pushing and getting close it happened. Then one time I dreamed that all my wishes would come true and so far not all of them have. I wish the ones I want most to come true and that is where dreaming comes in.

Christmas Morning Ruined.

Thanks to him he ruined my morning. If only he could have just said something nice. Well to try and make my day better im going to go see a movie while im visiting in Orlando, florida. I want at least one good thing to come from this day. It's Christmas its not supposed to suck its supposed to rock. So I just hope it goes well.

Why can't you just respect me

I take the time to say Merry Christmas to you and instead of you saying it back you say "k thanks bye". Like really what did I ever do to you? Nothing absolutely nothing. I expect to be treated in the same way I treat you. I respect you and I don't say things that would hurt you, but you could care less. It doesn't matter if I die or am in the hospital you could care less. I just want to have you care even if its a little bit.  How would you feel if I didn't respect you? I don't think you would like it very much cause you would be wondering the same thing as to why I am not showing you some respect. If you want respect from me then you better show some respect to me. even when you get on my nerves I still care about you because you are my friend. Or should I say I feel like you are my friend. I don't really know how you think of me. You are 19 years old for fucks sake act like it. You act like some immature high school kid who doesn't know where he's going in life. Oh wait that's right you probably don't know where your going in life so that description fits you perfectly. We have been through hell and back many times, but we can fix those issues. You shut me out of your life completely for 7 months and if you really wanted me out of your life then you wouldn't have talked to me when you did. Think about that for a minute. You must have thought about me and wanted me back in your life. Whether it was for a good or bad reason. I think you just try and start fights between us like I honestly do. We talk and its fine then you stop talking to me and then when I try contacting you, your mad or pissed at me. Why? that's all I wanna know is why. did someone say something about me? did someone say I talk shit about you? whatever it is its not true. I barely bring you up in any of my conversations anymore because I am trying to keep drama out of your life. so when you ask me why I'm talking about you or why people are asking you who I am and I say I don't know, why do you think that is? its because I have no idea about what you are saying. I wouldn't know why people say that maybe its just because they want you to get pissed at me I really don't know. sometimes its the little things that tick you off and i'm sorry about that. I wish you could just tell me what people are saying so I can figure out how to fix things between us. I want us to be friends for a long time I don't know how you feel about that. I think if we just work at it and try now to pick fights then we would be ok. you know what I am trying to say? If you read this I want you to know that you messed me up since February. like I was a complete train wreck I just wish you knew what I was going through. You made me feel like complete shit. I was depressed and it was all because of you. how can you wake up one morning and just decide your never going to talk to somebody ever again. I could never do that because I know how fucked up that it.


to the guy who creates drama. peace.

think before you act

you should always think about what you wanna do or say before you do it. if you end up saying the wrong thing then there may or may not be consequences. if you think you may make the appropriate move rather than the bad move.

What he means to me

He means so much to me, like to the moon and back. He means so much even when he doesn't listen to me or shows he cares. I love the kid. I dont know what more I can do to show him it. I've tried everything I can think of. I just don't think he understands that I still freaking care a lot about him. I care so much its unbelievable. There is just no way im letting this kid go. Well i mean the only way i will let him go is if he straight out says to me "I dont care about you and dont want you". I get that i should try meeting new people but it doesnt matter how close i get to someone else i will always have him in my mind. I think if he truly listened to me and heard me out he would understand. But until that day happens i dont know what more i can do. i try being close and friendly with him and then hes a jerk. its almost as if hes trying to piss me off so i leave but i dont know. I wanna know how he feels..Maybe thats all i need. maybe after i know how he feels i can either keep trying or move on. knowing how he feels is something i would love to know....
if he felt the same i would keep trying to get back with him and just get close with him. i mean we already laugh with eachother at school. we talk to eachother, its not like we are strangers. i would go further than my limit past my extent and go all out to win his heart over. i really never thought about it like that. i guess ive just been trying to get him back. When i really should be trying to win his heart over right? if i win his heart over that will prove so much to him and then maybe just maybe he will finally open up. Now winning someones heart over isnt as easy as 1,2,3.

Winning his heart over again

1. Be honest about your motives. Being manipulative will not win back your guy. When you talk to him, be direct and honest, letting him know that you’re still interested in him and want to get back together.
2. Avoid being pushy or overbearing. Even if you feel a sense of urgency, calling your guy repeatedly, showing up at his work or home, or sending him multiple emails or text messages may push him away.
3. Give him time to process the situation. If you recently broke up, give your guy time to think things over before approaching him again. Time and distance may also make him realize that he misses having you in his life.
4. Have solutions and ideas ready when you approach him. You will have better luck winning back your man if you have ideas about how to make things better the second time around.
5. Respect his feelings. If your guy tells you that he is not interested or asks for time to think things over, give him his space and don’t approach the issue again until you are certain he’s ready to talk.
6. Try casual dating before jumping back into a serious relationship. Before you commit to a serious relationship again, make sure that both you and your guy are ready to revive your romance.

1. Keep a distance after the breakup. Men like to be hunters. They don't want a woman to constantly be seeking them and being clingy, especially after a breakup. Keeping your distance after being dumped gives you time to evaluate the relationship, and it gives him time to wonder if he made a mistake by letting you go.
2. Work on yourself, for yourself. Everyone has vices they wish they could change. Maybe you have a hard time trusting people; maybe you don't communicate as well as you'd like. Whatever the changes are, make sure you do them for yourself, not because your ex wishes that you were different. In the end, these changes will make you feel better about yourself and will make him notice your new level of confidence.
3. take up a new hobby. This step has two advantages. The first is that it will keep your mind off of the breakup and help lift your spirits. The second is that it will show your ex that you can be okay without him. If he knows that you're fine (maybe even better than fine) without him, he'll wonder why he ever dumped you in the first place and will be more likely to want you back.
4. Communicate openly with him when the time is right. When you have both had an adequate amount of time to let the breakup sink in and evaluate your relationship, have an open conversation with him about your desire to get back together. discuss why he left you in the first place and if it is something the two of you can work on. Be honest but not needy.

Memories

These are the things that hurt the most. Even if it was once something good and it no longer exists. Memories are the things you remember,but no longer live. I have more sad memories and happy. Ever since high school started I have pretty much had one bad memory after another. Weird thing is these memories always involved guys. Guys were and still are a major part of my hurt. This one guy who liked me last year had been trying to bring me back into their life for months and I just kept pushing them further and further away. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. Then I realized that I actually care for them and started trying to get close with them again. I needed to get close with them again. I remember everything he used to say to me to get me back. Those were good memories that I wished stayed around....

The Undefined suits me well

I don't know exactly where life will take me, but I intend on staying and finding out. Life is about making mistakes and taking chancing and along the way something good will come out of it. Sometimes I make wrong choices and it ends good and then there are other times where it ends bad. From those experiences I have learned a lot, I may not always listen to what I've learned but I think about it.

The thing nobody knows about me.

well as everyone knows back in march i was a complete train wreck. I couldn't do anything without it having something to do with Sebastian. He pretty much fricked my life up for about 7 months. Trust me when I say it that seven months would've eventually dragged on longer if he wouldn't have woke up.On February 18th he just woke up I guess and decided that after that day he was never going to talk to me again. Not knowing that was going to officially be the last day I ever heard from him I talked to him normally. As 3 weeks went by I thought ok maybe these were the two weeks he doesn't talk to me because that was normal. He would talk to me for a week then not talk to me for two weeks. At this point I was kinda used to it because he had been using that routine for the past 3 months. I knew something was weird when I hit 1 month. 1 month something had to be up I thought. I tried messaging him on facebook once during that time and he just never responded. It showed that he saw my message.. At that point I start freaking out. On March 3 he posted on facebook "all facebook ever is drama,bullshit,fakepeople,2faced,imatureekids. #wack" after I read that the page refreshed... It didn't show up anymore and neither did his profile....He had blocked me. I broke down crying because I don't know what I possibly could have done wrong to deserve to be treated this way. At that point I made the conclusion that February was indead the last day he would ever talk to me. That made me upset. Like from that day on I pretty much cried myself to sleep. Thats something I don't really like sharing, but it's the truth. I just kept thinking day after day after day just maybe he would unblock me or even text me, but nope. 3 months went by and still no sign of him appearing back in my life again. I did some crazy things because I was just so upset and depressed. I took things I shouldn't have taken knowing I could die or be permanently harmed. I tried doing things I shouldn't have. I even attempted this one thing because I just couldn't take it anymore and was just done. done with life. I made a video explaining my story and saying goodbye to everyone i loved. if you didn't put two and two together i tried committing. I don't share that and never have. I went so far too. All I had to do was kick and done. that would have been it. i don't think i was really suicidal then, but i just was so depressed and really couldn't take it anymore. Everyday I had to go to school with him and everyday I had to see him. Looking at his face without crying was the absolute hardest thing I ever had to do. Half the time when I saw him and I was with my friend I was crying. I don't like to cry because then I look like a softy, but I actually am. I cry easily. The one day he was at his friends locker and I just lost it because I couldn't keep it bottled in anymore. I hated that feeling. the feeling like you want to cry all the time. 4 months go by and on my birthday he decides to get into a relationship with my friends best friend. That made me even more depressed and upset. That was when I started going to sleep at 6 maybe 7 because I just wanted to cry. I didn't know that i'd be up until 10 or 11 o'clock crying my eyes out. I thought that my eyes would be dry as a desert because I cried so much. But nope because there was always more and more tears each time I cried instead of less and less. The more he didn't talk to me the worse it got. the worse I got actually. 4 1/2 months go by. I'm still crying and still doing things I shouldn't be doing. By this point my best friend was absolutely sick of me crying and being upset about it. she was sick of me always talking about him. She probably thought I couldn't tell she was getting annoyed by it..Well little did she know I knew she was getting annoyed after 3 months had passed. I just didn't tell her I knew it because I just needed someone there I could talk to and who I need cared about me. I feel bad that she had to put up with me, but I appreciate it more than she could ever know.Once 5 1/2 months passed I was an absolute mess. I didn't care about anything or anybody. I could care less about school, grades, family, pets, friends, life, just about anything. All I wanted was for him to come back in my life. Every time I went to this fountain I always threw a penny in and wished the same thing over and over and over again. Sometimes I wished for something else but mostly for this one thing. That was for Sebastian to talk to me again. I would do anything for that to happen. Even though I was in a relationship in July I still kept making that wish because I wanted it to come true more than anything. I mean I loved my boyfriend with all my heart, but there was still a missing piece that was waiting to be filled. Me and my boyfriend lasted seven weeks or right up until school started so August 25th. I was upset again. He made me keep my mind of of Sebastian for seven weeks, which is what I really needed. I needed a new subject to focus on and Joey was it. But after we broke up everything was falling all over again. I just needed to be picked up. Then after 7 months of being a train wreck, depressed and just miserable Sebastian was back in my life. On August 31st I got a friend request on facebook. I didn't think it would be him considering we hadn't talked in 7 months. When I clicked to see who it was and it was him I was in tears because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I didn't believe it. It took me about 5 minutes to process it. It was real he did send me a request and I excepted it. As soon as I clicked except not even a minute later I got a message from him saying hi. That was the happiest day. All the wishing and throwing pennies in the fountain actually worked. Ever since that day we have been talking and I couldn't be happier. I don't have high standards this time. This time I'm not looking to be in a relationship or be buddies or anything like that. All I want is for us to be friends like actual friends. It doesn't even matter if we don't hangout at all. I just want him to talk to me and have conversations with me. I have been very careful too because I don't want to bring drama into his life. I try not to make him mad or pissed. I do all this and more because I just don't wanna lose him again. I can't lose him again. I can't. If I do everyone will lose me because I just will give up and not care about anything. I don't wanna go through what I went through last time because that was hell. This time I am making sure it is different and I hope he realizes I've changed. I've changed for the better because I don't want to jeopardize anything between us. I have not once thought about doing any drastic moves that would be to harm or life endangering.

The Undefined Life suites this perfectly.

Feel A Bit Of Badness Building Up

I love how nobody knows I'm still talking to this one person. I'm actually kinda happy I still am because I think if I wasn't I would not be at the stage im at now. I could care less about being in a relationship with them anymore. I used to be determined to get in a relationship with them, but that doesn't matter anymore. All I care about is them talking to me. Thats all I want is for them to keep talking to me. It doesn't matter if we don't hang out or anything like that, Talking is fine. We aren't true friends obviously but it doesn't matter cause we would never hang out anyways. I'm happy we still talk though cause your cool. I guess you could say I still find him cute,but nothing more than that. We are friends but nobody else knows. I wanna try to keep all the drama out of there life. See I am a nice person. Yes I do care to much for the people who don't deserve it.

He's Still My Favorite

Everyone should know that JB is Joey. Joey is the guy that I fell for over the summer and said I love you too. He is just this sweet guy who is very special to me. I used to think I don't want him in my life because I'm better off without him. People say I deserve much better than him and how he treated me. Yeah I get that he was mean and rude to me sometimes, but it's ok. He's just being him and I wouldn't want him to change for me or anyone. I love him just the way he is. Even though he does K me sometimes which makes me a little mad. There are some days where he can be the nicest and most sweetest person and then there are days where he can be a straight up dick. No matter how he acts he is perfect. There will always be a spot for him in my heart whether he want to fill it or not. He knows I still love him now and I really don't know how he feels about it.

Why do I still love You

Everything’s so silent
I can’t hear a voice
So many feelings
I don’t have a choice

Crying so softly
So I can’t be heard
Everything’s so confusing
Every little word

So many nights
Where I can’t sleep
Dreaming of how much
You mean to me

Asking myself
Is this how I feel
Closing my eyes
On everything real

Wishing and praying
Wanting to know
Why I care for you
Why can’t I let go?

Eyes filled with the tears
Heart filled with the fears
Mind so confused
Why do I still love you?

Everyone’s told me
I can’t feel this way
You told me goodbye
Yet I need you to stay

Standing in place
For such a long time
I can’t figure out
Why I want you to be mine

You’ve broken my heart
And left me to cry
I feel so useless
But I can’t say goodbye

by Kali

Don't know what to do..

2 Days ago I made a promise to this guy that he won't lose me to any other guy until he's ready to be in another relationship. Then unexpectedly the guy I hadn't talked to in over 10 days decided to text me. I wasn't even thinking about him before friday because I didn't wanna be sad and mad. I used to think about this quote "I'm glad I had the chance to meet him, but now I'm glad I can move on and forget him. I wish it didn't have to end this way, but he's  damaging my heart, which is not ok." I don't know if he heard me that day or not but when I said "this guy told me this last year and I haven't really listened to it and I think I should. He said It's what you want not what they want" weird thing is I still am not listening to that. I still am listening to what my friends say. I try following my heart but I feel like my heart takes me in the wrong direction because I always get hurt when I follow it. I can honestly say my friend was right about me caring to much about people who don't deserve it. She also was right when she said if he couldn't listen to me then that's a sign he's just not worth it. When she was with me over the summer and my relationship was on the verge of ending I did anything I could possibly do to fix it and make it better. We were 7 blocks from his house and I knew I needed to get there to straighten things out so I ran the entire way because I did not want to lose him. I was a wreck for 7 months and then he brightened my day and made me happy again. Even when people told me he cheated on me I listened to his explanation and made things work. I gave him chances because I wanted the relationship to last and not break. I knew that if it broke I would be a wreck again. Then the day he called me and said "I love you" I was really happy. When you love someone truly you will go out of your way and further than your limit to make things work. Even though my friends say I deserve better and he is just an ass, I still love him. That is one thing that won't change. I get he can be mean and not caring at times, but that is just him. I don't want him to change for me or for anyone. I fell for him because he is himself and not what others want him to be. My friends don't get that this is how he has always been. If you excepted him in the summer why don't you now? He is the same person he was then that he is now. He has always been the same person. I don't want him to change because I fell for the guy he is now not who he would be if he changed. You can say I'm sticking up for him I honestly don't care. You saw how happy I was in July and how I acted when he would talk to me, so you can't say he didn't make me happy. At times yeah he made me mad and upset, but all relationships even marriage you have fights. It's no different. So why talk about my relationship. I can honestly say if he cheated he cheated, but my heart tells me he didn't. If he did you think I would have stayed with him for 7 weeks no I would have broken up with him that same day. I am running after him because I love him. If you can't understand that then I don't know how to make you understand how I feel and what I want. There is so much that went on this summer and so many feelings. He acts like he doesn't care, but do you know that for sure?? Did you ask him?? No, so how do you know he doesn't care. My life will be lived the way I want. Everyone gets hurt at least once and there are always heartbreaks, tears, memories but that doesn't stop you from going after what you want. I take the time to express myself. Yea I know he doesn't deserve to talk to me and why should I listen to him when he wouldn't listen to me. I don't know I really don't all I know is you go after what you want and who you love. Even though I made a promise to my new guy friend because my ex won't get me back. I just want answers and I want to know how he feel or what he feels. That is all I am looking for. The guy I made the promise to is sweet and I'm beginning to like him. No matter what my ex will always be in my heart because there will always be a part of me that still loves him and he knows it.

Denial..

How can you deny that you don't care not one bit about someone, when you can't go a day without thinking about them? You just can't. By denying it is pushing away any chance of something good happening happen. Trying to get someone out of your life by saying anything to get them to leave seemed like a good idea before....now it just sounds pointless. Why push away someone who is trying to make things work. You pushing them away is like smacking them right across the face. It doesn't feel good if your in there shoes. Sooner or later they will just give up trying because they realize you have been pushing them away.

So listen if someone is trying to make things work give them a chance. It doesn't matter what they did in the past, just give them a chance. If it turns out they were just playing you then you can leave, but they at least deserve to be acknowledged. Maybe down the line the will turn out to be that good guy you know rather than the good guy you knew.

Why must I cry once again

its been 10 days that i havent talked to JB and im proud of that accomplishment. Then he goes and ruins it because he texted me today and said "come over at 345 and dont wait by my house". i didnt go. you know i have never done something this hard before. i have never tried so hard to push someone out of my heart that i cared for so very much. Thats what i have to do. I have to push JB out of my heart because i cant have anymore pain or tears in my life. As much as i care for him and want him in my life i have to say and do everything to make him not talk to me. The more he talks to me the more the feeling i have come back. i dont want him back because he wouldnt listen to  me when i needed him to.

9 days.

its been 9 days since i last talked to JB. Im hoping it lasts longer. He hasnt even tried talking to me or anything. i keep saying that if he wants me back in the long run i will say i cant and he will ask me why. when he does i will tell him that i gave him a chance to listen to how i felt and let him tell me how he felt. He didnt take advantage of that chance.

Its time to let go

I love you so

This I know

But it's so hard to let go

You were there for me

You gave my heart glee

But now it's time to go

My friends say

"He wasn't worth your time, you should have looked the other way

but now you have to pay!"

I payed the price

I rolled the dice

But it was my feelings at stake

The pain is here now

I can't remember how

But I know you have to go

You're in my heart

That will never part

You're vision imprinted on me

My feelings were so strong

But now it doesn't belong

So good bye my love....Good bye


-by megan

Truth.

I always kept you inside my heart,
Straight and only you, for the longest time.
Now I wonder if I've ever been in your heart.
Even so, it's now as worthless as a dime.

I wished for you to come to me.
Each day, my thoughts for you used to grow.
But now I realized, you don't care,
And I decided to let you go....

Emily Browning - Asleep

That was it.

welp today i tried to tell him how i felt and instead he locks himself in his bathroom and listens to music which he said he was doing idk he couldve just been lying. so i stood outside and said everything i wanted to say. then i left because he didnt say anything. so i went outside and he stood at door and said "you know i wasnt listening to anything you said right" i even slide the note under the door. i told him i just wanted him to listen to how i felt but i guess thats just something he cant do. i cant wait anymore. ive waited long enough to say everything i needed to and now that i did he doesnt listen. is what i just cant understand is why he cant see how easy it is for me to say i love you. its easy for me because its true i really do love him. but i cant anymore.....i just cant. i told my best friend that this was the last time i was going to try to get him back and if he didnt listen i was done. he thinks i dont care but when i go out of my way and explain to him how i feel he doesnt listen. i dont understand why he acts the way he does sometimes. when he realizes that i still do really care about him it will be to late as i will have already moved on.

im sorry JB but you had the chance and you didnt take it.
love you,
Goodbye.


“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”

This is it the very LAST time im going after him

your just too blind to see how much i freaking care about you and how easy it is for me to say i love you. i have been trying so extra hard this time because i want to call you mine before 2013 is over which doesnt leave me much time left. I dont even know why i still love you because of all the things i heard over the summer. if you really love someone you will go through hell and back to make them happy or in my case get them BACK. i just want to send cute texts to eachother, call eachother babe and baby, hug, kiss, cuddle and just to be able to call you mine. I miss that stuff. unlike what people say i dont just miss the memories between us i miss YOU and just you. i cant tell you how much you mean to me because its that much. i want you more than anything. ive never felt this way about a guy thats because ive never cared this much about one individual. JB you are the one guy i dont want to give up on. but if you dont tell me how you feel this time i cant keep waiting for you. ive waited long enough. in the long run if you decide you want me in your life it will be to late. its NOW or NEVER. so please pick now.

love you,
<3

Dont know what to do

I wanna tell Jb how i feel but i don't know how e will react. I mean me and e are on a pretty good page. There's just the part of me that doesn't wanna hurt e but i still do love Jb. I can't shake that feeling either. Welp the 7th is this week and i don't know how i can get my wish. I won't give up on him. If i didn't really love him then i wouldn't be going through hell trying to get him back. Like i am doing everything i possibly can to get him back. I want him to be mine for Christmas. If i really wanted to i could just forget e just like that. Because i don't love him. I don't kbow him like i know Jb.

I just don't know what to do.

What I want

I know exactly what I want. I will do everything if not anything in my power to make it happen. I want the one guy who makes me feel so happy who puts a smile on my face everytime I see him. The guy who acts himself and not what people want him to. The guy I can be open with about anything because I trust him. That's one thing that is hard for me to say. But it's true I do trust him. He fills my heart with happiness. My heart healed because of him. He picked up the pieces and mended them together and I thank him for that. This is because I love him.

It's time.

I finally think its time to shut S out of my life. I just told people before that I stopped talking to him to get them of my back even though I still was talking to him. I've been talking to him today even.The things we talked about made me really think and realize I can do a lot better than him and I deserve better. I thought I wanted the same things he wanted but really we want two totally different things. I wanna settle down and get into a relationship while he just wants a girl to fuck and get action whenever he wants. He needs to know that you don't always get what you want. I've come to realize you have to work for what you want because if you don't you never know if it can happen or not. So I'm finally pushing him away and out of my life cause I don't need him. He made me miserable and I just dot need that again. JB fixed that. Now I'm gonna follow what I want because I know exactly what I want

Exactly what I'm gonna say to him

It sucks but it true

I could fill a thousand pages of how I felt and you would still Not understand.

Caring about people who don't deserve it

I care too much for the wrong people....

Pushing myself farther than the limit..,

 I'm pushing so hard for this to happen. All I want is to have him ask me out on the same day he did last year which is December 7th...... That's in 9 days. How am I supposed to make that happen if he won't listen to how I feel. I need him to understand how I feel about him and get him to listen. But I have 9 days..... That's not much time. If this could happen I would be the happiest person ever.I could say "I love you and merry christmas" I want him to know how much I care. When he's mad at me I cry and try so hard to make things right because I don't want to lose him. I lost him once because I pushed him away and I just can't go through losing him again. I want him to stay. After this year I won't see him because he graduates.

Help me.like I do not have any idea how to do this.

Dear JB,

I just wish you could listen to me and let me explain how I feel. The guy I knew over the summer I fell for and said I love you. Don't you see I love you still. Nothing you say or do can change that. Don't you care? You should try keeping people in your life you care about you and not the people who don't. I care so why are you pushing me away. Do you not want me in your life? Not even as a friend. I love being your friend and hanging with you and just being around you. When I'm with you there is always a smile on my face. Don't you see how happy you make me. You can't tell me that you don't care not one bit about me you just can't.

Seriously

He honestly is an apathetic person who is inattentive to anything I have to say. All I'm asking is for him to listen to me and that's not asking much. He doesn't care he even said so himself.

Way to make me cry

Way to make me cry. Do you have anything better to do than to make me upset and miserable. Like why can't you be that guy that I liked last December when we dated. Or what about the guy I fell in love with over the summer. Do you not care about what I feel or anything. I fucking like you and all you can say is "I don't care about anything I don't care about you or anybody". 

Why can't you just listen to me. That's not asking for much

He always told me

"It's what you want not what they want"

I need to start listening to that. Because if they want me to be over him I don't have to listen. People told me to breakup with his and I did...which was a mistake.

Quotes

When I write quotes its because I'm upset and need ways to express it other than physically. So I write. Writing quotes and then hanging them all over my doors or room makes me remember why I was upset. I look at that quote and remember and it helps to forget. 

Why I feel this..idk

I wanna thank you

Dear best friend,

I just wanna say thank you. If it wasn't for you telling me about that guy I would have never friend requested him on Facebook. If I didn't friend request him on Facebook I wouldn't have talked to him and dated him. Because I wouldn't have even known he existed. So thank you. Thank you for bringing him into my life. I know you may think he made my life miserable and awful for some of the things he's done but I still love him. Anyways you have know idea how much I appreciate you telling me about that guy. Cause he was perfect. 

So true

Feelings

Everyone has feelings whether they are good or bad you have them. I should hate this person and be mad at them but because of my feelings for him it makes it impossible for me to hate him. Nobody and I mean nobody not even my best friend understands the feelings I have for him. There are to detailed and strong. I want to tell her but you just wouldn't understand. The feelings I have for this guy are remarkable because of all I went through with him and I still have feelings.

"It's Better to let go with a smile than to hold on with tears"

Reading old Facebook messages

Back in December of last year when I was talking to JB he was already trying to get back together 3 days after we broke up. He was saying anything if not everything to try and win my heart over and get me back. He still said "ur mine" even when we weren't dating. He tried for months to get me back but I was just so stupid and a complete idiot to not notice how hard he was trying to get me back. I should have to my chances back then and no have cared about what anybody said like he said "it's what you want not what they want". I should have done what my heart wanted from day one but I didn't. And now look I'm laying in bed crying about everything involving him wishing I could call him mine. That will never happen again because I texted him and told him "to make you happy I am over you ok." It was a lie. I could never be over him because I've come so far and have developed such strong  deep feelings for him that won't go away. I should move on and let go but I just can't. I love him.

Crying

Everyone cries at some point. You cry over people who you care about. People cry to relieve the pain they had bottled up inside them. There are tears hiding in your eyes waiting to the time to fall. When you hit your breaking point and can't keep them hidden anymore the tears fall one by one. Falling slowing down the sides of your cheeks and before you know it there's flowing like a river. Have you felt like you cried the worst you ever had. Well maybe but not like this...

Remember when...

Last summer (2012) my friend told me about how this guy kept talking to her on Facebook and it was really creepy. She said he wasn't even cute. Then this one guy started talking to me. Turned out to be the same guy. He was hitting on me and saying some really sweet things. We got married on facebook and my friend was surprised. Then school started and he came up to me the first time and I was really shy but that's my normal self. He started Meeting me after my one class and always hugged me. he even walked me out to the buses at the end of the day and hugged me.Then 3 months past an it was December and we were close by this point. My friend couldn't believe I was still talking to him. Then one night Friday I remember, he said I wanna ask you out and I said ok. He said should I now or wait till Monday so he could ask me in person. I said now and he asked me out over Facebook and then sent me the request. I was happy. I was thinking of what I could get him for Christmas and we were always so flirty. But then everyone at school kept saying "eww why are you dating him he's ugly and saying some rude things" these things made me breakup with him Monday. 4 days.... I remember that day so clearly too. I just deleted the relationship off of Facebook. He texted me and said "so we're over" I said yea but like I said I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship and we need to know eachother more.He was mad. I was upset because I broke up with a guy who treated me well just because of what people said.

Get ready for it people. This guy was JB. 

Sad day.

Now I have to go to school and see his face and try my hardest to keep my self together. It feels like this is gonna be a repeat of how I felt to S. now the same depressing feelings are gonna come and I'll be miserable. It's just me personally. When I care so much about one individual I go my all to make things right with that person even if they are the one who made the mistake. I just try to make it all better so we can be happy again. But S he just woke up one morning and decided not to talk to me anymore.... I went through 6 months of hell crying every night not wanting to do anything because I was always trying to hold the tears back in public. Do you really think I wanna go through that again?no I don't. But I need to change my ways because I changed to fit all his wants and needs and I shouldn't have to do that. 

Things I must do

-delete his number

-move on

-forget people who don't deserve to be remembered

- cry a little

-pick myself up and smile

Goodbye and hello trains again..

Unconditionally

Acceptance is the key to be truly free.

I don't understand anything

I just can't understand how you can feel like you really like someone and tell them and they have nothing to say. I never asked for much all I wanted was a word or two. Anything really. It didn't matter as long as it came from him I was happy. This year just started three months ago and I already want it to be over because it has been nothing but hell for me. Because the day before the first day of school he broke up with me. So yeah  it has been nothing but hell. My ways have changed into something bad that I wish It didn't. It just went downhill well everything is. I wanna be happy but everytime I get my hopes up something or someone always has to ruin in

JB part 2...

so yeah i said i still loved him and i really meant it. I always said i will love him forever and always and he will be in my life forever. 

:'(

but its time to move on and let go of him. thats something i thought i could never do since i tried it before but it never worked.but i have no choice this time i have to. its whats best for me. i cant stand the feeling of being hurt by him anymore or being upset about him and crying. that shouldnt happen. if someone cared about you for real then you shouldnt cry right? thats what i thought. im just not gonna talk to him for a long long long while. i need to forget all the feelings i have for him. and as much as i love him it all has to fade away. how can you forget someone you love so much. i know he doesnt feel the same even though i wish he did. i'll be waiting for you whenever your ready to show me you want me.

"It's painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go...but more painful to ask someone to stay when you know they want to leave.."

I love You but Goodbye.

JB

"I love him, but I canot show him, I want him, but he cannot know it, I need him, but I know it will never be again, if only he needed me."


There is so much to say about him. He is my ex. We still flirt though. We still hangout. We kiss occasionally. Why can't we be in a relationship again though....thats what i wanna know. I don't care how any of my friends feel about him because none of that matters. The only thing that matters is how i feel about him. I still love him always will. I still have deep feelings for him. If i didn't then i wouldnt be doing the things i do with him."Everyone keeps telling me how he feels. They say that he doesn't care, but he's never shown me he didn't. They say that he doesn't love me, but he never said he didn't. Everyone keeps telling me who he is. They say he's a player. They say he's no good. But yet, I'm the only one who sees something different in him & nobody understands why. I'm the only one who can look in his eyes & know there is hope." Hope of us being together again. I want it so badly. I want it more than i should.

"Is he really a good guy you think, maybe he is, maybe he isnt. Only one person can answer that and that is you yourself"

I feel so much better

so last wednesday i went to the school guidance counsler and talked with the psychologist as well. i talked about s and it actually releived a lot of my pain and sadness. i feel like a much happier and bright person. Like i dont know theres just a part of me that cant be sad anymore. before i could very easily just start crying when someone mentioned something about him. now im fine. i have officially made the decision to not talk to him again since i figured out he was the main source of me being depressed and sad all the time. i used to cry myself to sleep some nights for 6 months then it started getting better when i dated JB. then me and him broke up and s started talking to me again and now he stopped again. i kinda want it to stay that way. i know before i said i wanted to be just friends with him. but im done putting myself in a depressed state and always crying and being a downer. so i changed and i changed for the better.

So goodbye S. I do not need you in my life. I feel so much better now that i talked about you and let it all out.

:)

My one friend says try something new

My friend doesnt like J.B. she hates him as a matter of fact. I can understand that. I biked to his house at night on sunday. on way home got caught by the cops because its illegal to ride a bike with NO LIGHT. at 1:31am my mom had to come pick me up. not a fun night at all. so whatever.

I like this new person we text for 5 hours ever other day. Its pretty cool. I kinda wanna ask them on a date but i can cause im grounded...
i wish i wasnt so hopefully November 8th i can. we post on eachothers ask pages which is cool.

My favorite quote and always will be

Maybe its time for me to let you go and see what happens. Lets see what happens if i dont talk to you at all after today. I wont talk about you or even think about you. I just want to see if you would talk to me.

Lets try this little test.

Making myself suffer

You may want to be with me again and as much as i want to be with you....i cant. I love you and all, but i cant date the same person for a third time. it would end this time because of me...i would end it. id make up some excuse like you did the last time. If you didnt wanna be in a relationship you could have just said that instead of making up "we dont hang out. its weird". I asked you almost every fucking weekend if you wanted to hang out. you always said you were doing something when you really werent. Sometimes we did hang, but...
you caused all of the problems. I cant be your toy. you cant make up an excuse to get rid of me and then decide you want me back. thats not how it works.
If we broke up for a real reason....then maybe i would have said yes. It's just like i love you i really do, i just cant date you again.

I need time before i can even consider it because i dont wanna be hurt again. sorry.

I love you J.B <3

p.s. I always will and you know it.

Dear J.B,

There are many things that I would like to say to you.
But I don't know how.

I like you so much. Like a lot a lot. Like If you asked me if I loved you i wouldn't even take a second to think about it, i'd just say yes. You see my feelings for you are just so strong. Some of my friends keep telling me to move on from you and find someone new. Thing is i want you. I only have this year to have you. Your a senior whos graduating in 8 months. They tell me how your no good for me and how you treat people like crap. I will say this sometimes you can be an ass and get on my nerves, but that doesn't make me hate you. If i say i hate you, i say it because im mad. I wont give up on you. Dating you over the summer was such a puzzle and it was confusing. All these people came to me telling me one thing or another. Then i asked you about it and you denied most of it. I really didnt know who to believe. You should always be able to trust your boyfriend...right? well i didnt know if i could. So i just put all that stuff to the back of my mind and focused on you. Then we became distant. You stopped texting me first. When i texted you, sometimes you didnt even respond. I felt like you were shutting me out. I remember when we didnt talk for two weeks. TWO WEEKS. i wandered if i ever crossed your mind during that time. You crossed my mind every day.

the way i feel it goes is:

You meet someone.

You two get close.

It's all great for awhile.

Then someone stops trying.

Talk less. Awkward conversations.

The drifting.

No communication whatsoever.

Memories start to fade.

Then that person you know

becomes that person you knew.

Sad isn't it.

I never mattered in your life did i? The relationship was not real right? Did you.....nevermind.

The Fountain of wishes

before summer came i always wished for the same thing. every time i came across that fountain i threw all my change in it. Each coin counted as a wish. I wished for him to talk to me again. I missed him and wanted him back in my life. then he talked to me again and we even ended up dating over the summer.

I love him....Can you tell?

I will not say which guy. There is only one person who should know this and that is my best friend. If she doesn't know...then idk.
Every single one of my friends hates him. Nobody likes him. They all say hes an asshole, jerk, dick,player, user...so on. I put all that aside because of the feelings i had for him.The first time I didnt actually like him that much i just dated him to date him. Then over the summer, i really liked him. I told my friend that I want to date him so badly because i really like him. I told her i was even gonna ask him out. I talked to him so much more. I was really happy. She could even tell how happy i was.  then july came around and he came over one night. that night was so special and i was just so happy. he asked me out in a way i will never forget. Thats how memorable that night was. every day for the first two weeks of our relationship he texted me first and always said "hey babe". i love that. then one night he called and said "love you" and i said "i love you too". i really do love him. we were dating for one day shy of 7 weeks so almost 2 months.
Even though we are no longer dating i still love him. I would like to date him again just because of how many feelings i have for him.

He barely talks to me anymore

So S barely talks to me anymore. thats the guy who didnt talk to me for 7 months and then started talking to me on august 31st. Welp he hasnt talked to me for a week. I texted him today and said hey all i got back was a hi. like the entire first two weeks we started talking again we talked almost every single day. we also skyped a week straight. i miss that. like i really do. i wanna know what happened. im just gonna let him come to me. i dont wanna have to bother him. i try to not get hurt but you know that shits hard to do.

I try to make things better

So i try and make things better between you and me and nothing. You have absolutely no response to what i said to you. Im kinda upset that you didnt say anything to me in response. Its ok though. I wonder if this is how he is going to act. like what if i really am you know and i need to tell him. will he just not respond to that too. like if i tell him i am he kinda has to respond and ask what im gonna do. i just dont know what to do.

I've Made My Decision

Im going to concentrate on only one guy and shut all other guys out. I want it to work with K. Even though he is mad at me and im mad at him for the things he said. I still really like him. Im gonna focus on him and only him. Im going to put my all in it. I will try so hard because i want it to work so much. He made me realize i cant always have everything i want, and that if i try to outsmart people i will lose. Which i did because i chose my ex and him. They both found out that i had been with each other. That really hurt me. They both hate me right now and dont talk to me. The reason i need to just move on from my ex is because if i go back to him again, that will make it the 3rd time that i dated him. No. Two times was more than enough. I know that i shouldnt be going after k considering thats is best friend. But i cant stop my heart from liking him.

Fine Lets All Be So God Damn Happy

Ok everyone get up and just smile at everyone that comes across you. Im so sick of freaking people these days. like i truly am. you know im just so fucking done telling anyone about my problems with guys or just problems in life. i cant take any of this shit anymore. id rather go to school with a fucking fake smile on my face and have everyone think im fine, so that way when i get home i can shed a tear or two and not worry about what anyone is thinking. I just so fucking have had it. Ill just stop talking to dudes. ok. that good enough. All i know is i actually fucking liked fegle but no by going over to my ex's house they both get freaking mad at me and hate me now. you know what be mad at me hate me for all i fucking care. Ok. Call me a freaking whore, slut, even a cunt. whatever word may cross your mind. Go ahead and call me it. You wouldnt like to be called any of that would you?No i think not.
Yea i get that what i did was stupid and messed up. But it was a mistake. and everyone makes mistakes in life. I just want one of them to forgive me. Cause then at least id have one of them in my life. This shit all just fucking sucks. Yea i may be complaining about a freaking guy. Ok. Maybe it aint that bad. But nobody can understand. I dont want anyone to understand either. Im just done. Done with everything and everyone.
im sick of crying all the time. Sick of having problems. Sick of being upset. Just sick of everything. I want everything to be normal. Is that to much to ask for?
Fegle if i would be....im coming after you, and you will talk to me.

welp. whatever. Done.
DUNZO. :P hehe

Sad Again (Whole truth not hiding anything)

I hate crying over him. I cried so much over him. The last 6 almost 7 months of my life have been complete hell because everyday when something reminded of him i would always cry. id cry for hours and hours. I was always trying to put on a smile for everyday that i went to school. Nobody knew that i was in so much pain. Half the stuff im gonna say my best friend doesnt even know.  I was so depressed that i just wanted to die. Like legit die. I didnt care about my life anymore. I didnt wanna deal with the pain. I just couldnt take it. Seeing him drive past my house everyday and knowing that he was never gonna stop just killed me. I tried taking an overdose many time, that didnt do anything. i cut many times to get rid of some pain. Like i wanted to die. i guess it just wasnt my time to go since nothing was working.
then he talks to me again and im fine. but its just i feel like he hates me and i just know theres no chance of me being with him. Yeah i told my best friend i dont like and i cant. Truth is i really do still like him. when i was dating this guy over the summer i said to myself "even though im in a relationship i still love s". That feeling just isnt gonna go away.
Im still crying over this kid. Like what the fuck. I dont even know why im crying. it just doesnt make any sense.

well i cant write anymore its making me a little upset.

Sick Of Crying All The Time

I'm starting to get really sick of crying all the time. When I'm home alone and hear a sad song I go sit up against a wall and cry and think of all the bad times. Then memories flood my mind and i cry even more. You cry not because your weak but because its how you release your pain. I'm sad everyday. I really couldn't tells you the last time I actually had a real smile on my face and not a fake one. I lied so many times so people didnt know i was upset and now i dont even know whats true anymore.

Those Tears On My Pillow

pretending that i feel fine
a smile covers despair
saddness is easily hidden
no one would be aware

i go off into a quiet place
when i am feeling low
there i shall cry for hours no one would ever know

its easy masking sorrow
if i keep it out of sight
weeping tears in silence
as i hug my pillow tight

only my pillow will knw
tears i cried over you
heartache is never heard
when hidden from a view

those tears on my pillow shall shed silently
yearning goes unnoticed
it hurts you cannot see

Dear Friend, (reblogged/updated)

Ok well you told me june 3 that you are tired of me talking about him. And you said you dont care. Ok well listen to me when I say this because after this I am done. The only way I can let my feelings out is either to cry or talk about him. I dont wanna cry all day at school so I just talk about him. You either except it or you dont. And you apparently dont. Is what you dont understand is that I have tried so many times to move the fuck on and I just cant. Its been done between me and him for 7 months now.Ok. Just look at me. I'm still a mess after 7 months. Theres no point in torturing myself to move on from him.I get that he will never come back to me again, like i get that. I understand that he will never talk to me again. I get that he graduated. I will more than likely never see him again. But i dont know why I just cant let the feelings go. He talks to me again after 7 months and you are like "You are so fucking stupid like wake the fuck up". Call me dumb, but remember its my life. I just wont tell you the shit i do anymore. Its as easy as that.
So here it.
You can either except the fact I talk about him or walk the fuck away.
Because I am done.

Worst Part (reblogged)

I devoted 5 months of my life to him....and now I've been trying to let go for 7 months. When will it end. I'm tired in drowning myself in tears. I am so shocked that I even have tears left to cry because I cried so damn much. My heart hurts more now than ever. The time I cry most is at night when no one can hear me. It's the kind of cry where you have the urge to scream and you have to hold your stomach because you begin to feel sick. The cry where you feel your heart in your throat. It's a sad way to cry.

How Can I Let Go..Again

I want to run, I want to hide.
From all the pain he caused inside.
I want to scream, I want to cry.
Why can't I tell him Goodbye?

I want to move on, I just can't let go.

You See What I Mean

I try to move on from....Sebastian, but it just doesn't work. Whenever I seem to be liking a new guy and getting close they hurt me and disappear. Then when they disappear I'm back to liking Sebs. I don't know I sorta feel like I'm meant to like him. Only thing is, if I was meant to like him.....why doesn't he talk to me anymore? I just don't understand things. This is why I say I'd rather cry over some guy who I haven't talked to in 5 months, rather than meet a new guy who treats me exactly the same. You guys understand it right? I hope so. Well yeah I guess I'm back to liking Sebastian again....What else is new. I can't escape the past. I feel like I'm trapped in the past and can't move forward.

Kinda Sad how it all works out

I need to just somehow tell him everything and just make him listen. But how is the question. How can i get him to hear what i have to say?

Miserable Once Again

I had him in my life once again after a long 7 months. We talked for three days made plans to hang out, but we never did then he just stopped talking to me for 5 days. Nothing has changed. Not that it would. We didn't even hang out yet for me to be hurt and I'm already in tears. I just thought that because I've been hurt so many times before that I'd be used to it by now. Truth is I'm not, I was wrong. I'm happy that he at least remembered me and talked to me again. I keep going back to him thinking hes changed but he doesnt. I just wish he could realize how i feel. I want him to know how i feel. I dont know if he would care but i do.

Crying over the guy who hurt you so many time, yet you still care for them...

Friday August 30th

he talked to me again. 7 months later and he finally talked to me again. after 5 months i really started to think he isnt ever going to talk to me again. so i just gave up and let go. Then i started dating the other guy and was happy. Now me n him arent dating. Im gonna go through the same thing that i went through before. All my friends think im stupid and dumb for talking to him again.
I feel like they hate me or are mad at me because im talking to him again. But you what i know theres a chance of me getting hurt, theres always a chance of getting hurt. They need to let me live my life the way i want to live it. Im happy ok theres actually a smile on my face again.
7 months 7 months..... thats a long fucking time. He didnt forget about me though. He still remembered me.

Im to the point where i dont even wanna tell my best friend about it. I feel like she will hate me.
This is me, this is who i am.
I forgive people i shouldnt.
i let in people i shouldnt.
i trust in people i shouldnt.
i fall for people i shouldnt.
i care for people i shouldnt.

but i do because thats just me. Thats who i am.

he hurt me 6 times and i took him back every time, because i wanted him to have another chance to make things right. I felt like he deserved another chance.

call me stupid call me dumb. but remember its just me being me.

This was one of my favorite relationships...........NOT :'(

2 of his friends told me that he told them that he was playing me and just using me to get what he wanted. I feel like a freaking idiot for not noticing this sooner. That girl his ex who i have been talking to was telling me the truth the entire time when i thought she lying. it turns out he was the one lying this whole time. I put all my trust into him and he abused that trust. I actually liked him this time we dated and i cared for him. I wanna know if he ever cared or ever liked me. He hurt me to the point where im crying because i gave him so much and got nothing in return. everytime i tried being nice to him i never got the same back. he was always an ass. there were times he wasnt and actually was nice. it breaks my heart to know that he let it go on like this for a month. a damn month. he led me to believe we were dating for a month when really he was just playing with my emotions the whole time. i cant believe he could do something so low like this. i should have known something was up when every time someone asked if he was in a relationship he said he was single. he kept asking "r we still dating" on phone, in person even through text. he is one pretty damn good liar. the way he asked me out felt so real. he kept calling me babe, he said he missed me. the thing that really makes me mad is he said he loved me. you dont say you love someone unless you really do and he sure the hell didnt. why me like why. what did i ever do to him....nothing absolutely nothing. back in december he was doing anything for me do date him, he said the most sweetest things he said he would never hurt me or make me upset and he would always be there for me. He didnt do anything wrong during that 4 days we dated because i broke up with him. i dont even know why i broke up with him i just did. and back in january and months after that he was trying so hard to go out with me. he was always trying different things to make me date him. i just didnt see it then, and i joked around with my friend. I joked around with him too. it wasnt nice and he got mad at times, but that didnt stop him from trying. then back in june like on june 7th me and my bestfriend went to the park and he was there. that day was the first time for a while since i talked to him in person. that was only two months ago. that day made me realize that i really like him. me and him were walking on the railroad tracks holding hands, it was cute. we hugged many times. then i chased him around cuz he put my sunglasses on and i was trying to get them back. it was a really fun day. then we held hands and just walked around town.  He wanted to kiss me, but i said no so we just hugged. That day made me realize a lot of things. After that day me and him started talking a lot more, it made me happy. Then july came around and he asked me out in such a sweet way. I thought that this chance may not come again, so without thinking i just said yes. that was the happiest day ever. the first week he texted me like everyday and always said "Hey babe". seems legit dont it, yeah i thought so to. Week two comes and hes acting sweet some days then rude other days. Week three arrives and he doesnt text me first anymore so i have to. that week july 24 i went over to his house and he asked "do you still wanna be with me" i said yes then we kissed. i felt like everything was ok. that day was pretty fun. then week 4 one month comes and he doesnt text me at all, so i do. He half the time doesnt even text me back. I feel distant and i feel like he doesnt care.

question is....Was it real at first and just faded? or Was it never real?

Dear Friend If you still are,

I AM SO SO SORRY. I REALLY MEAN IT. I AM SO SORRY.
I don't know why I do half the things I do. I know that what I did to you was unacceptable and very wrong. I can't even believe that I could do something so rude to my best friend. I do want you to be happy, I don't want you to be sad. Be happy you have a sweet boyfriend because I think you two are perfect.You always helped me get through all the problems I was having in life, I appreciate that very much. You didn't deserve the way I treated you in the past two days at all. I didn't have the right to do what I did. I didn't wanna piss you off and I'm sorry that I did. I didn't wanna get rid of you either. You're the friend everyone wishes to have and I was lucky to be able to call you my best friend.
I hope you can find a way to forgive me somehow and that we can still be friends. I want to be your friend for many more years to come. 4 years isn't long enough. I promise you I won't hurt you in any way ever again because I can't lose you as a friend as good as you, you mean so much. Are you willing to give me a second chance?
I hope we still can be friends.

The Pain Inside You

Your burning and you have no clue
but I do
I set you on fire
something I thought I'd admire
the flames surrounding you look so red
I wonder how you are not dead
the pain you must be in
will soon set in
as I watch you die
I hear you tell a lie
but you say it is not a lie
the sounds of fear coming from your voice
make me think that I have a choice
I can let you die or let you live

What Comes Next (Poem Written By Me)

You left me in so much pain
I'm afraid you have none to gain
I will rip your heart out
before you shout
and leave you lying on the ground
so that way its the other way around
Your left crying on the floor
and say you want no more
remember all the hurt you gave to me
will soon be easy for you to see
because once I'm done with you
you'll be saying I love you too
and it will be to late for that
once I bring out the bat
mess with me
and you will see
you'll soon be free of pain
once I have the power to gain
one strike to the head
and soon you will be dead
this feeling inside will live forever
as we will never be together
you used me
you played me
I'm done trying
as you are dying
once strike to the back
I hear you say please don't attack
I say it's to late for you
as we are through
there you are lying on your death bed
in a puddle of red
I laugh inside as I watch you cry
and hear you say goodbye
thats all I wanted to hear you say
but I also wanted to watch you pay
one last strike to the head
and you are dead

The Thoughts Of The Broken Hearted

I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to tell you mostly
I hate that I'm so afraid of everything
I hate that you’re the one thing I want the most but can't have
I hate that you let me go before I even got to say goodbye
I wish that you would come back to me
I wish I were strong enough to say no to you
I wish I could believe my own lies I use to cover up the pain you left
I need to move on says my head
I need to hold on says my heart
I need to decide says my mind
I envy the way this hasn’t hurt you at all
I envy her
I envy the fact you don’t understand what this feels like at all
I want to hurt you
I want to be with you
I want this nightmare to be over
I wish I could make things they were before you
I wish I could change time
I wish I could change you
I wish I could have hurt you before you hurt me
I wish I would have given you the letter when I wanted
I need you out of my thoughts
I need you out of my heart
I need to start doing things for me
I hate that you used me
I hate that I gave you something I can never have back
I hate that I wasted it with you
I'm tired of hoping aimlessly for you
I'm tired of wanting something I can't have
I'm tired of hurting me for things that aren’t my fault
I'm sorry I wasn't good enough
I'm sorry I defended you when everyone else was right
I'm sorry I couldn’t make you happy
Funny though how you never once said sorry for hurting me,
for breaking me

Powerful Words

was it the first time I saw your face
or when I first saw you smile
when I was settled in my place
hope you'd stay for a while

when I thought that my life
couldn't get any better
I knew you were right
we weren't meant to be together

was I too caught up
in the time I spent with you
or was it that I wasn't tough
because of something that I knew

I cant believe I didn't know
that you were slowly letting go
that we were drifting apart
with a hole in my heart

when I see you everyday
I know I made a mistake
but with no effort in your tries
I found out all your lies

so now we go our separate ways
and say our goodbyes
you've driven me to my grave
with me drowning in your lies

You See What I Mean

I try to move on from....Sebastian, but it just doesn't work. Whenever I seem to be liking a new guy and getting close they hurt me and disappear. Then when they disappear I'm back to liking Sebs. I don't know I sorta feel like I'm meant to like him. Only thing is, if I was meant to like him.....why doesn't he talk to me anymore? I just don't understand things. This is why I say I'd rather cry over some guy who I haven't talked to in 5 months, rather than meet a new guy who treats me exactly the same. You guys understand it right? I hope so. Well yeah I guess I'm back to liking Sebastian again....What else is new. I can't escape the past. I feel like I'm trapped in the past and can't move forward.

This is what happens when I try to forget him and move on...

I met this guy and his name is Randy, he seemed so sweet. He actually cared about me and I liked that. He was the first guy who I actually felt cared about me. So we have been talking since May 7th which is the first day we met.  The first time we hung out was really fun, even though we just walked around. I got to know more about him and he got to know more about me. So things have been really good you know, in June I went to his bands gig at this cafe. They were really good. It was the first time I heard them play. We hugged and everything was normal. Then this month he hasnt talked to me for six days. He was always telling me that we should talk more. So I tried texting him on the third and fifth...and nothing. Then I began to worry, like did I make him mad or something. So today I go on Facebook and it says he's in a relationship.....WOW. Welp that explained why he hasn't talked to me. So anyways I feel like I've been played by who I thought was the most sweetest guy. Guess I was wrong. What guy says he likes you and talks to you everyday then clear out of the blue he's in a relationship. Like what no thats so not ok. But whatever he's out of my life. I'll just find someone else. Welp by Randy Dandy. Cuz I am done.

~ This Chapter Of My Life Is Closed ~

How Can I Let Go

I want to run, I want to hide.
From all the pain he caused inside.
I want to scream, I want to cry.
Why can't I tell him Goodbye?

I want to move on, I just can't let go.

4 Months 2 Weeks Since We Last Hungout

Damn it I really miss this kid, like you have no idea.

Brucas - Missing you

Song reminds me of my situation

5 Months Exactly Today

Today marks exactly 5 months since me and him hace last hungout. Wow I really thought that just once out of all the times he drives by my house he would at least think "maybe I should say something to her". But nope he hasnt said a word to me. He doesnt even look at me. I feel so broken when I really shouldnt. Like come on its been 5 months and I am still crying at times and remembering the memories. Like yea I know I really need to move the fuck on. The pieces are started to mend though...there taking a super long time to though. I still miss him, I always will miss him.

Just Realizing What We Did Was Illegal

I just was looking up online if what we did was illegal and believe it or no it was , only because he was 18 and I was 14. Since he touched me a lot it can count as a lot of things. Even if I excepted it then Its ok if I don't now. I f I really wanted to I could turn him in to the police, but I don't want to I think. Cuz then he will hate me... I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I still am breaking down into tears a lot. Some nights I even cry myself to sleep because he just happens to pop in my mind.

The Day You Noticed Me

The first time I met you was last summer and I remember you just looked at me. I miss you looking at me. Us four spent July 4th together at dorney, which if I may say was an amazing day. The day you first texted me was November 9, 2012. I remember that day so clearly. November 10th was the first day me and you hung out. I didn't know you that well so I was really shy. I remember we kept hugging and hugging, which I love your hugs. Its such a warm embrace. You texted me all night that night which I loved.
<3

Black Nails High heels

Every heard of Black nails High heels? It means you like the dark and sharp objects. I like only dark and dangerous colors and objects like knifes, glass shards, shit like that.  Only do dangerous stuff at night folks.
Bitches are back and ready to play.

Screwed Up Part

I devoted 5 months of my life to him....and now I've been trying to let go for almost 5 months. When will it end. I'm tired in drowning myself in tears. I am so shocked that I even have tears left to cry because I cried so damn much. My heart hurts more now than ever. The time I cry most is at night when no one can hear me. It's the kind of cry where you have the urge to scream and you have to hold your stomach because you begin to feel sick. The cry where you feel your heart in your throat. It's a sad way to cry.

"Sometimes We Only Care About The Memories and Not The Actual Person"

I don't believe that. I could care less about the memories. All I care about is him and how he's doing. How he feels. Like is he happy, sad, hurt, miserable...what. I cared about his feelings. I didn't just care about him because of what he gave me. He made me feel safe and protected.
He was like my knight in shining armor.
A knight has a shield to protect.
I felt protected and for once I actually felt wanted by someone.
The feeling that you may actually be special and not worthless is amazing. I always felt worthless, but not once I met him. I actually felt like somebody.

4 months 2 days

Its been 4 months and 2 days since we last talked. Damn you really aren't gonna talk to me again. I really thought you would talk to me....Come on please? I miss you. You can't say that you haven't even thought about me once, like come on. You had to..right? Why can't you just give me a sign or something to show me that you at least cared about me once. please. I have always cared about you.

4 Months 2 weeks

It will be 4 months 2 weeks since the last time we hung out saturday. You know how long that is....thats long. Guess what? I'm still trying to forget about you and erase all the feeling that I have for you. Its been 4 fucking months! Did you not listen to what I just said? I've been trying to forget about you for 4 fucking months almost 5. You know that is crazy right? Well it is. I've pushed and pushed myself to move on so many times, but like people always say "No matter how hard you try to forget the past, you can't." I really am beginning to think thats true. I still can remember each time we hung out day and detail by detail. I can even remember the things you said. Crazy huh? Well yea thats because I can't shake the feelings I have for you. You seemed to be glued to my head. But seriously 4 months bro. And I'm still trying....

Why is it so hard to let go?

Why can't I let go of him just why? I don't understand why I cant move on. It's not like hes the first person who broke my heart. Many guys did. He broke my heart 6 times and each time I took him back.
Why can't I move on.....
I'm dieing inside like really dying inside. My heart is broken has nails going through it and flames spreading all around it.

Can you just say you miss me too?

Please can you just say you miss me too. Thats all I want to hear right now. I don't want a hug, a kiss or anything like that. All I want is for you to say you miss me too. I need you back in my life, please. You would  put a real smile on my face. I miss you.

The Train....

Yea I did something really stupid on thursday. I decided to stand in front of a train for as long as I could. Welp the train got 200ft away from me, which was really close and then I moved. This old guy was watching me as well as 5 of my classmates. Then I went to hang out with my friend and I told him. He said "Your not suicidal right?" and I answered no. Truth be told I would have stood in front of that train much longer....only change would have been is that I'd be looking away with my eyes closed. But I didn't tell him that because then he'd never talk to me again probably. Anyways he said if a train comes he would pull me away from it and I said why I had fun doing that. I just don't feel protected anymore and I dont know why.

Getting Over Him

My friends who actually dated him got over him in just a little bit....ive been trying to move on for 4 months now. yea 4 months. I have never felt so sad and depressed ever. The funny thing is, is that anywhere I go I put on a happy face and pretend that I'm happy, when really I am not.

Missing You Like Crazy

Sometimes at night,
when I lay down to sleep,
I embrace myself,
I start to think ...
Then I imagine
that you lie beside me ...
hugs and kisses
all over my body.
I wish you
could really be here,
just to whisper,
"I love you," in my ear.
I would turn around and say,
"I love you, too."
But will it ever be true?
So I turn around
and I wonder some more,
still wanting your embrace,
so I close my eyes and picture your face.
I fall asleep dreaming of you.
In my dream it seems so true.
It's as if I can really feel
your kisses against my lips ...
Then my eyes pop open
and you're nowhere to be seen,
And I feel so lonely
once AGAIN !!!

Author: Alice Garcia

I Miss You

I miss you at night as I gaze upon the stars
I miss you during the day as clouds cover my sun
I miss you and want to hold you in my arms
I miss you so much, my dear, I feel no more fun.
I miss your smile, your joy, your lips
I wish you would be here, my loneliness grips.

My mind is traveling to far places seeking your beauty
My heart beating faster and faster with your memory
My being fading its joy, my eyes all teary.
My days are going by so slowly, oh so slowly
This painful longing penetrates my heart deeply
My soul cries out for you more and more strongly.
You are my dear love, my life, my everything
Yearning the day to be together once more
For that day to be here now I'd give anything
Don't ever leave me again, sweetie, you I implore.

Goodbye and Letting Go

There is a difference between GOODBYE and LETTING GO. GOODBYE means "I'll see you again when I am ready to to hold your hand and you are ready to hold mine." while.. LETTING GO means "I'll miss your hand. I realized it's not mine to hold. And I will never hold it again."

I chose Goodbye, so that there is hope of you being in my life again.

Graduation Day....

Welp today is his day to graduate. Today is the day. I will never again see him at school or really anywhere. I'll only see his car or see him if I'm at his friends house. I know for a fact that he isn't reading any of my blog entries so therefore it doesn't matter if I say his name. I really miss him and I don't want to forget him ever. He cheated on his girlfriend and she dumped him on his graduation day.
Welp everyone the mystery guys name is....
I just can't say.....

Dear Best friend,

Ok well you told me june 3 that you are tired of me talking about him. And you said you dont care. Ok well listen to me when I say this because after this I am done. The only way I can let my feelings out is either to cry or talk about him. I dont wanna cry all day at school so I just talk about him. You either except it or you dont. And you apparently dont. Is what you dont understand is that I have tried so many times to move the fuck on and I just cant. Its been done between me and him for 4 months now.Ok. Just look at me. I'm still a mess after 4 months. Theres no point in torturing myself to move on from him.I get that he will never come back to me again, like i get that. I understand that he will never talk to me again. I get that after he graduates sunday I will more than likely never see him again. But i dont know why I just cant let the feelings go.
So here it.
You can either except the fact I talk about him or walk the fuck away.
Because I am done.

Sorry.

Dear S,

Nobody really know how much I miss you. You don't even know. It hurts me to know that we will never be what we once were. We will never be what I want us to be. I miss you and I hope that even the smallest space in your heart has my name on it. And that there is a chance you care about me too.

"Are You OK?"

yea im fine

^when someone says that they really are saying
"im dying inside. nothing is ok everything is wrong"


remember that next time someone says there ok.

Repost: How I Feel :(

No one knows how I really Feel about you, not even my best friend. Today I realized I just can't hide it or pretend like everything is ok when it is not. NOTHING is right NOTHING! Nobody knows what the hard part is..... It's going to school everyday and seeing him and trying so hard not to breakdown right there in front of him crying my heart out. It's knowing that I gave him so much and can't take any of it back. It's knowing that I gave him everything and he gave me nothing in return. It's knowing that know matter how much I want him to be mine he will never be. He doesn't feel the same....at least that's what I think. It's knowing that we will never talk to each other again. There is so much that hurts and I haven't been able to tell anyone because I get so upset. Well no I am absolutely done with this crap I can't take it anymore. I'm done putting a smile on my face at school and acting like I am so happy when inside I'm so broken. I'm done telling people that nothing is wrong and that I am over him and have no feelings left. When really everything is wrong and I feel so much for him. I guess I can almost say I love him. Cause some people say that when you cry so much for someone it's because you love them. I have cried so much for him....so much that I can't believe I even have tears left. Everyday I see him I have to hold myself together....then when I get home I cry my heart out because of all the pain i'm in. I played the role of the girl who is happy and has nothing wrong in her life, so well that people actually believed me and bought it. Well guess what the REAL me is sad, miserable, hurt, heartbroken, damaged and has so much wrong with her life. See were complete opposites. So I am just done pretending to be someone else. I'm hurting myself because I don't know how else to deal with this anymore. I just want this pain to end and go away, but it just won't.

GoodBye

From the day I met you,

I felt everything was new

waking up each morning with a smile

taking away the pain that i feel for a while…

but love seems not to be fair

because you hurt me and give me a tear

how I wish I didn’t met you

how I wish I never loved you

for loving you just means “goodbye”

I must go on with my life

and forget the wound i have inside

for I know time will come that this pain will subside

saying goodbye would be the best I guess

setting you free is maybe your happiness

but always remember this…

though you hurt me so,

I’ll still always love you

(I will always love you S<3 ,but its time to let go.)

Poem

Goodbye


Never have I hurt this much,

never cried so many tears.

This pain you've caused,

its not your fault,

this I know with all of my heart.


I want to hug you,

but also to slap you,

kiss you but also attack you.

This pain is so intense;

it takes my breath away.


Who am I to turn to?

What am I to say?

How could one person be the cause of so much pain;

easily break a heart into so many tiny,

jagged pieces? I want to hear your voice,

but never again see your face.


I want to hold you in my arms;

I still wish that you were mine.

thought there was a chance for us,

theres still a love you cant deny.

The tears pour down yet once again,

and my heart breaks anew.


Oh, how I already miss you.

Never again will I laugh with you,

never again smile at your jokes.

This is it, this is the end,

this, is a goodbye.

Goodbye

Welp you are almost gonna graduate and I'm still here crying and wishing there was something I could say or do. You graduate in 12 days...wow, then after that I'll never see you again. See this is why I wish we could be friends, then we would always keep in touch. Now that you hate me, I really don't think there will ever be a chance of us being friends. After these last few days...I'll be sure to say goodbye. It's not like you'll show that you hear me. But in my heart I will know that you heard me say Goodbye. That is a hard word to say. Once I say Goodbye, your out of my life and there's no turning back. That's it. It's done with. If your reading this I want you to know that I will never truly be able to say goodbye and really mean it because there will always be feeling still alive, in me.

Crossing The Line

You crossed the line the moment you said "I think I may have feelings for him". At that moment you should have realized how hurt and upset I was. But no you didn't, you just went on and continued doing what you do. You started hanging out with him, smoking with him, getting rides from him, just mostly hanging around him all the time. The totally crosses the line. The worst part is you freaking tell me about it. You think that I'm over him and that nothing ever happened. No your wrong. You can do whatever the hell you want, but just leave me out of it. Stop telling me what you do with him and everything. Just don't talk to me. Just in case you didn't read the last post. You Are Dead To Me..

Hopefully you got that all
Ex. friend (S)

The Feeling of Betrayal

So I was walking to class today and saw who I thought was my friend kissing, hugging, and holding hands with the guy I'm always writing about and who I've been crying about. I recently told her that I am trying to get over him and I don't want her to bring his name up anymore. So then one day we are walking and she says "hang on"...then she goes right in front of me and starts to kiss him. Like how could she after all I said and how I told her I felt about him, kiss him right in front of me. Then she tries to apologize, but no. I was actually gonna give her a second chance until today. She was there kissing and holding on to him. Like how the hell can you do that. I thought she was my friend, but no she isn't. As of right now shes Dead To Me...

Dorney Park

I just had a flashback go through my mind. One time when me, my best friend, her brother and his best friend(the guy who this blog is about). I remember we were at wildwater and after me and my best friend went in the pool our hair got wet. When we went back to the towels where her brother and he were. He (guy blogs about) said "damn your hair is so dark, its like black".  It's funny how I can remember that so clearly. Then him and my best friends brother kept saying how my hair was really dark when it's wet.

Kiss

My friend just told me how she got kissed today and that made me think of my situation.  He was the second person I ever kissed. And He was the only person I kissed for the longest length of time. Like when we hung out we kissed. We hung out for 5 months. That was 5 months of my life devoted to him. and my life still is devoted to him.
:'(
:'(

So Sad

My friends all say, "You gotta move on",
I need to forget, but I'm not that strong,
so I just think about that day,
when you turned and walked away,
left me here with tears on my face,
all those years, I could never erase,
and you didn't even say goodbye,
and I...I just wanna die,

Feel Like Dying

I never did think it would come to this,
you left screamin', shakin' your fist,
sayin' you would never come back again,
that we were through, this was the end,
now here I am down on my knees,
praying so hard, hopin' someone sees,
all this pain that's in my heart,
just a broken frame, picture's torn apart,

I can't seem to forget about you,
and all the things that we used to do,
but I...I swear I'm trying,
and if you see me out on the street,
tears in my eyes and sores on my feet,
I...I feel like dying,

So today I tried to forget,
all of these months, I've said, "I'm done with it",
gathered up your pictures and started a fire,
then turned out to be a liar,
'cause I couldn't bring myself to burn,
all the memories, and now I yearn,
for just one day, or just one night,
of you and I not havin' a fight,

I can't seem to forget about you,
and all the things that we used to do,
but I...I swear I'm trying,
and if you see me out on the street,
tears in my eyes and sores on my feet,
I...I feel like dying,

My friends all say, "You gotta move on",
I need to forget, but I'm not that strong,
so I just think about that day,
when you turned and walked away,
left me here with tears on my face,
all those days, I could never erase,
and you didn't even say goodbye,
and I...I just wanna die,

I can't seem to forget about you,
and all the things that we used to do,
but I...I swear I'm trying,
and if you see me out on the street,
tears in my eyes and sores on my feet,
I...I feel like dying,

Since you left I just walk around,
hoping that I'll see you in town,
that hope is what gets me through,
through these days without you,
so if you see me on my knees,

I can't seem to forget about you,
and all the things that we used to do,
but I...I swear I'm trying,
and if you see me out on the street,
tears in my eyes and sores on my feet,
I...I feel like dying,
yeah,
I can't seem to forget about you,
and all the things that we used to do,
but I...I swear I'm trying,
and if you see me out on the street,
tears in my eyes and sores on my feet,
I...I feel like dying...




By: Anonymous

Dear Invisible,

If you are reading any of these posts I want you to know that I care for you I really do. You once said that you wish you could meet a girl who cared for you and liked you for who you were and not for what you did. You also said you wanted to find a girl who would treat you and respect you right. Well guess what hunny open your eyes cause I'm right here. I always have treated you with respect even though you broke my heart many times. I care for you know matter what. Even though we aren't talking right now....I still care for you and hope you are doing well. I just need you to understand that I am that girl you described. I will be yours if you want. You are just one guy I never want to forget. And you are a hard guy to let go of too. This may be a little straight forward and all but.....I Love You Sebs. <3

-Your old friend of some sort

The Chance

There is the smallest of all chances that he will one day show he has feelings. Those feeling may not be strong or even real....that's why its called a chance. I know I am probably stupid to take you back if you want in my life again. But then I guess you can call me stupid because I would take him back in a second if he asked. He means that much to me. Just think if I didn't want him in my life, then why would I take him back all 6 times he/I screwed up. Reason is because I feel so much for him and would do anything for him.

The Broken Heart

My heart is so broken...broken into a million little pieces. But wait.....I think there might be just a small tiny little piece left, that feels. It doesn't do much, but it still works. It feels the littlest of things, that I may not even notice. Problem is, its not strong enough to love another...That piece is telling my mind that in his heart he still has a feeling for me...and in his mind there is a spot dedicated to me. I feel like he tells people he doesn't care about me because on the outside he really doesn't....but on the inside he has some feeling left for me, he just doesn't want to show it. He doesn't want to take that chance again. He gave me chances and I gave him chances we both screwed up. But hey who's to judge. The feeling never goes away. I think the reason why I still have feeling for him is because in that small piece of heart left in me....its saying there is still a chance he will show his feelings again. It doesn't tell me when or how...it just tells my mind he may. Its a feeling I'm willing to hold on to for awhile if there is a chance.

Problem 101

I've been talking to some new guys lately and it really hasn't took my mind off him like I thought it would.Well anyways I just hope he has a heart and can tell that I really am suffering. Nothing can hurt more than the feeling of you heart being stabbed day after day because of how broken you feel. When I am feeling all shitty, I think of how he must be feeling right now......"Oh yeah he is probably having a happy awesome life" old me would say. The new me that he created would say something more like this "Oh yeah he is probably screwing one girl after another...he's probably got a line up. He is rolling in the beauty of having people like him...then he rips there heart out and throws it on the ground". Yea that sounds more like me. You see the difference I actually had a heart inside me before then I met him and my heart died. I feel no sorrow for anyone. I don't care about anyone or anything anymore. I just don't give a crap.