Love or Lust?

Adam,
Its definitely love. I don't think i could love anybody else like the way i love you. Nobody can replace you because your everything i need. you are my whole world. Losing you would be like losing myself because i don't know what i'd do without you. your the missing piece to my puzzle. The one I've been looking for this whole time. I don't want you to go anywhere anytime soon....i really don't want you to go anywhere ever. i want you to be mine forever. forever is a long time, but i wouldn't mind spending it with you. I've been through thick and thin with this you and at the end of the day i'm still in love with you. I always will be no matter what. did you ever just meet someone and it was like an instant click? The first day i met you, it was an instant click. I felt so comfortable with you and i barely knew you, I felt like i could tell you pretty much anything. I still do to this very day, if you asked me a question about my past i would answer it. Your just not like other guys, your completely different. It's a good different though. After we hang out and I walk to the car I'm already missing you. I love you Adam, more than you know. You make me happy and laugh and feel comfortable. You really are something special. These 9 months with you so far have been absolutely the best 9 months of my life. I thank you for being in my life. Yeah we may get in fights every now and then, but so does every other couple out there. It just makes us stronger. When you told me on the phone the other night "I don't plan on leaving you at all" it literally put me in tears because I never heard you say that before and it made me happy. You have no idea how happy you make me. When I get a text from you my face lights up and I'm smiling. One of my favorite things is talking to you on the phone at night for hours. Hearing your voice makes me smile. It doesn't matter what we talk about its just nice being able to talk to you. There are days where I stress over things and just want to give up, but I don't and you know why. I'm not a giver upper. I just don't give up easily because i'm a fighter. I fight for what means something to me and I don't stop. I may not be a protector, but I am definitely a fighter.I don't know what you are, and i think i should i don't know. Your right about me needing to talk about how i'm feeling more often and i will. Just gotta take things one step at a time. I can't wait for next week because maybe we can take some pictures together. Instead of just having hundreds of pictures of only you on my phone. With my new phone we can take them! I bet you didn't know that every quote on my quote wall relates to our relationship in some way. Every month I add 4 new ones and it keeps growing. Their amazing quotes. February 23, 2014 love. One magical date to remember and it always will be. I love you Adam. Forever and Always. <3 <3 <3

My One and Only

It's been 9 months with this amazing guy and I really us getting to a year. We hit rock bottom over the summer, but I am so proud that we picked up the pieces and put them together. Our relationship is getting better day by day. I am proud of us. When I first met him I never imagined he would end up meaning this much to me and us being in a relationship for this long. I'm not afraid to say anymore that I fell in love with him the first day I met him. February 22nd 8:14pm was the day  first saw him. I still have the text messages from that night too. I can't explain each and every thing I love about him because there is just to much. We have been through so much and I honestly can say I will never be able to love anyone else as much as I love him. Everyone might say thats crazy to say, but it's true. He's made me look at this world in a different way and look at people in a different way. I love being on the phone with him every night for 4 hours and then falling asleep while still on the phone. It's cute and memorable. It's the little things that get me going, and I love it. I love him with all my heart and I tell him that every night. We are getting better and thats what makes me happy. I will never give up on him because 9 months is long to just throw away over some stupid little fight we may have. When i'm with him I never wanna leave because there is no place i'd rather be than in his arms laying there with him. Just writing about him puts a smile on my face. He's my one and only. I love him. Adam is my guy. Anything or anybody that gets in our way will be taken down. I will not let some stupid little rumor or person get in my way.

Struggles

I honestly really don't care if you talk to other girls as long as you stay in my life. I can't believe its been 8 months with you already. Even though we had our ups and downs, we pushed through them all. I love you more and more each day. I fell in love with adam the first day i met you. That was february 23rd. That is one day i will never forget for as long as i live. I am so glad i met you because you changed my life. Made me look at the world in a whole new way. I don't know what i would do without you. I probably would be having a miserable life. The only thing that matter is that you care about me, and you do.
I love you forever and always

Different Person

I've been changing who i am. No more bitchy or pissy outbreaks. I've been more relaxed, calm, and mellow. I have been talking in a calmer tone lately and people are beginning to notice the change. I was even told that i'm starting to talk more, and lose my shyness barrier. :) I've also learned to not let little stupid things make me angry. It's ok now.

Guilty

He's making me feel guilty now. I should not feel guilty because he is the one who has been talking to however many girls. Well i mean he just talked to them he never actually hung out with any of them. He snapped at me 23 days ago and he is the one who said that's it not me. So i got over my emotional week with talking to him on the phone each and every single day. Then just last week i talked to a different guy. in the whole 7 months that was the first time i had ever talked to someone else. I'm not gonna lie me and that guy did hang out. I didn't feel like going home since it was 2am, so he said i could stay. so I stayed over. I left at 7am then so its not like it was a long time i was only there since 11pm the night before. No big deal right? I was single. Then he as in the ex started calling me babe again, which made me begin to feel guilty.  Apparently we are back together. Same thing happened around my birthday. He ended things and then a couple days later called me babe and said we are back together. I love him i really do and with the situation that we are in we have to work things out. 7 months of tears, saying i love yous, missing eachother when we are apart, fighting.....etc. and all i can say is i dont know. I just dont know anymore. The guy i hung out with was the girl who my boyfriend fucked two days before my birthdays ex. So i guess me and him are even. He took the girl and i took the guy. EVEN FUCKING STEVEN! Now he's friends with that girl on facebook again, which makes me wonder if somethings going on again. You know what i'm just at the point where i really dont give a shit. I'm going to tell the world this because like i said i dont care. he texted me last night and said "Are we going to fuck like there is no tomorrow when you come over". I laughed so hard because he is such a joke. He's talking to some other chick of which i know and then he says that to me. Like for real? He has got to be dumb. 

ME MYSELF AND I. That is all i can handle for right now. He is driving me crazy because i dont know what to think. We are together for now i guess.

I don't know anymore..

Everything that was good in my life was destroyed on september 7th. Its just i dont know what to do now. this whole situation is just horrible. I think its funny how he thinks im still playing his little game, when really hes playing mine. In the end i will be the winner because i am done getting hurt. I have a new friend and he seems really nice. I just find it funny when i told him that my new friend is that rachel girls ex he told me "oh the girl i fucked". i said most likely. Then he went and said it was in the beginning when we first met and i said nono it was two days before my birthday. He yelled at me for accusing him of doing shit with her and said he didnt when i knew damn well he did. That is now stuck in my head. I never really wanted to know he actually did something i just was making an assumption. He thinks i am to blind to see how many other people he talks to. I'm not because i know ALL of them. Each and every single one.

He always said:
You cant lie to a fucking lier
                  and
You cant play a fucking player

lol to that^

Days like this

I didnt really like when you snapped at me. I forgive you though because i love you. Talking on the phone with you for hours on end every night is one thing i look forward to when im not with you. I cant wait to come over wednesday. You like it when i answered your question last night and said "quite badly", you never heard me say that so you liked it. I messed my wrist up pretty bad so i havent been able to do much. My sister gave me clothes for the baby which is really nice of her to do. I'm still pissed off that a certain person told him that i told her i was pregnant when i sure as hell didnt because i dont even see her nor ever in my life talked to her. So yeah thats pretty funny. Like he says to everyone "Keep my name out of your mouth". My blog helps to relieve stress at the end of the day thats why i use it.

Dear Babe,

I never talk about my feelings because i always seem to get emotional. I don't know why i do, i just do. I'm either really stupid or just so in love with you. Everything that you have ever said or done i let go. I put it all behind me because i could not bring it up and risk losing you. I just don't care about it anymore. You are the only one who can stop yourself from making wrong choices and mistakes, not others. I'm always afraid of speaking up about something because one wrong thing i say and you could be gone from my life forever. You don't understand, that can't happen. You know I know the answer to that. I'm not stupid, I am just so in love with you. I love you and thats the reason i can't let anything you do get to me. I will always love you, till the day i die and even after that. You mean so much to me and i care about you so much. Lately i've been pushing myself to make sure i don't do anything to upset you or make you mad. I know that if i do i could lose you and i don't want that to happen. Please just stay with me for awhile....a long long while. You are my babe. Every time i am with you i never wanna leave because when i'm with you i feel like i've escaped the prison i've been trapped in. When i'm with you i feel free. All i need is you. I don't need friends, I...just...need...you. You complete me. Your the reason I still want to be on this planet. Can't you see, you are my guardian angel. Thats our song. Remember? You always said "I'll be your guardian angel always". I will never regret any of the choices i made this year because if i didn't make those decisions, you wouldn't exist in my life. I couldn't imagine my life any different than it is right now. When i'm with you or text you or call you, i can't stop smiling. I know there is just something so special about you, but i haven't figured it out yet. Maybe i will soon.

happy

Im happy i never have to step foot in that school again. I must have complained each and everyday how much i hated it. Nobody who i talked to last year said a word to me over the summer, so i just said "guess they weren't friends." Me just being at home doing my school work and being with my boyfriend is all i need. We have come a long way and even though we were sad last week, we pushed through it and held our heads high. He just kept repeating "i love you no matter what". That made things a little easier, but nothing could have up lifted my mood to beyond happy. As long as i have him i will be happy. He is the reason i am still on this planet because if he would have left me when we had that disagreement it would have been over. Im just taking things day by day. Live each day like its your last. You never know, you could die right now, a minute from now, an hour..etc. you just never know.

I love him. Forever and always.

This calms me down and relaxes me always

I never used to like being outside i just didnt like it. Lately i've been hiking and climbing rocks. I just have to be careful because its not just my life at stake anymore. I've been going for a walk everyday and just trying to be outside more. When i go outside i bring my music with me and just relax. It helps me relieve any stress that i have. I think about a lot of things when i go for my walks.

Follower vs Leader

A follower is someone who listens to whatever someone tells them to do and a leader is someone who sticks up for them self and takes things in to there own hands. I am a follower he tells me to do something and i do it. I dont even hesitate or think about it i just follow what he says. He always says "who needs friend, i dont have any i have aquatints". I always used to tell myself  "i dont need friends as long as i have him", i dont know anymore. All i know is if i lose him i lose everything and everyone. Whenever i talked about him with any of my friends they always judged and said shit about him. That hurt me a lot. I never say shit about any guy any of them liked or dated. I may have said they seem controlling or she doesnt seem so nice. But i never said there stupid, dumb, a loser, retarded, disgusting or anything like that. If your thinking it, just think it dont say it to me because that hurt me. My mom always says im a follower and its because i follow what they say and i dont think about what i wanna do.

problems.

I try not to talk about the issues i have and problem i have going on in my life right now.Plus who would i even talk to, to discuss any of it. Like i said before i have two people in my life, my boyfriend and my mom. I can't talk about it with them because my mom will judge and he will just not know what to say. I first got her to except my boyfriend a couple weeks ago and now i have to tell her this, which wont be anytime soon. This is all confusing and im not really sure what to do.

i get it i really do

Ive made a lot of choices this past year.i wish i could take them back but i cant. Some people say if you want something to change then you have to take action. I just feel like it would be pointless because if they wanted to talk to me they would have. Theres not a day that goes by where i don't think of how things could have been. I lied to a lot of the people who were close to me but it was because i wanted to do things my way and not hear what they had to say. I wanted everything to go my way, only to learn things dont always go as planned. I pretty much lost all my friends. I talk to none of them and they dont talk to me. I have nobody really. Ive just been stressing out a lot lately and that isnt healthy or good. My boyfriend is All i have right now. Me and my mom are getting along better but i mean it still needs work. They are the only two people i talk to. Im either in my room all day or outside with my boyfriend. Ever since i met him he has been the first thing on my mind.i care so much for him and would do anything for him. I can at least be somewhere Monday nights now that i belong to a fire station. Ive been saying some stupid things lately but i think its because my hormones are wack, but the thing he says makes me mad. When i say the stupid stuff he says "sometimes i feel bad for that kid inside you, just because of the shit you say." Hes right and the truth hurts. Ever since i told him i talked to the guy in jail we bicker and i dont like it ,neither does he. Truth is if it wasnt for this kid and my boyfriend i wouldn't be breathing. I have nothing and no one. Thats why i take our relationship so seriously because it cant break apart.his dad doesn't really like me but we are working on it. Im just trying to make things work.

Im sorry to those i lied to you, pissed off, made you feel like i didnt care im sorry.

He will always be my handsome man :)

i just cant go through this again....i cant.

I love him more than anyone ever could. He means the absolute world to me. Losing him means i lose everything and everyone because i dont have anyone. The last time something like this happened was two months ago 3 days before my birthday when this girl claimed to be dating him. Now this girl is saying shes his girlfriend. Post on facebook said:

her: excuse me? i am his gf
joeseph guy: U kewl. Didnt know he had one! Here comes the drama,save it for yo momma. I will delete my comment just for u Adams gf
her: thank you.you dont have to.leave it
joeseph: Make sure he treats u good woman!
him: Always
Her: i am sure he will
him: And always will
him:I know I will :)
joseph:That's what I like to hear!
her: i know you will too baby :)
him:Yes I will babe
her: :)

that shit kills me inside it kills me. because i dont know what to believe anymore. All i know is that i have the right to take his kid away and not let him be involved. Im not that much of a bitch though, but i can be if he continues to push my limits. 

Stupid Me.

I'm absolutely the dumbest person on the entire planet. I fuck everything up. I didn't know that she wasn't even in the car. I didn't know she was behind the drivers side back tire. I didn't know. I didn't know. I wish I never sent him a letter and that I never talked to him in the first place because then my boyfriend wouldn't be mad at me right now.

I wrote this guy in jail a letter asking if it was my bfs fault and all. And I continued talking to the guy in jail for two months. I should have known it wasn't my bfs fault. I had to tell him I wrote the guy in jail a letter because the guilt was eating me alive. Then he tells me all this stuff making me upset and cry. He yelled at me. And said about how I didn't know that that guy fucked his girlfriend the night she died. And that he had to see her body outside the back of the car behind the tire with her blood on the tree. His girlfriend who was 3 months pregnant with his child. I didn't know that instead I talked to the guy who was at fault for it all And continued developing a friendship with him and was actually beginning to get close with him.only to find out the whole time I should have trusted me bf. Plus it was none of my business because I didn't know any of them. Do it wasn't even my right to know any of it.  I had no right to contact the police officer or send the guy in jail a letter. I had no right to do any of it. It was wrong of me. So I understand why he's mad at me. I actually understand.

update:
we are okay now. he let his anger out and i calmed him down. he said even though i told him that he could never be mad at me since im giving him something he had lost. We are happy and im more than happy i can see him and be with him everyday.

what is going on.

so last night he unfriends me from facebook and the last time he did that was two days before my birthday. That makes me stress out...like a lot! I have absolutely no idea why he deleted me. If its because he friend liked my picture on instagram or because he poked me thats stupid and not a reason to unfriend someone. He didnt snapchat me at all after 5 last night and thats not like him. We normally snapchat or text until like 3 in the morning. Somethings up and i dont know what. I going up to hang with him for a week and to get my room ready up there, but still this is weird. I wanna wait for him to snapchat or text me first today, but i need to talk to him to find out what time he wants me to come up there. This sucks like it really does. If i knew the reason why he unfriended me then i could fix it. There are just some things he does that i dont understand. We were on such a good path, he finally got a job working with his dad since we need money. Im proud of him for stopping smoking cause thats not something easy to do. Nothing is making any sense right now. It stresses me out a lot because the last time he unfriended me was because of another girl and thats when he broke up with me for 2 days. After the two days he realized he made a mistake and wanted me back. I do not know exactly what happened between him and her but im trying to push that aside. I love him to much to give up on him and stop trying. I will never stop fighting for him just because we would have a little fight. Those little arguments make a relationship stronger if you push through them.

im proud of him

its almost half a year 6 months since we've been together. Best time of my life. He is the one for me and nobody can take him away. He's been smoking for the past 2 years, ever since his ex and unborn child died in a car accident. It used to be 2 packs a day but then lately its only been 1 pack. Last night he made the decision to stop smoking all together. Thats not something easy to do and i am very proud of him. He said hes doing it for me because its unhealthy for me to be around that right now. He's very happy with what i told him and so am i. I'm so excited to be moving in with him next week, it is going to be amazing. His dad is still warming up to me, but at least it wasn't so awkward when we went fishing tuesday. I couldn't picture my life with anybody else but him. I wouldn't trade him for all the money in the world. Everyone thinks i'm stupid for giving up all my friends, but you know what its ok. Yea i may have lost my closest friend but im more happy now than i have been in a while. I'm happy i wont be going back to that school ever again. 7 weeks ago we didnt expect this and now we couldn't be more happy. I'm proud of him no matter what he does or did. I love how he's already saying he would marry me and all that. Me and my family arent close especially me and my mom, but it doesn't matter anymore because i dont need her. I never thought id be able to just like one guy and to care for someone so much. Then i met him and i love him more than anything, and id do absolutely anything for him. I love biking up there even though its a 2 hour bike ride its worth it. Im proud of him no matter what he does. We both worked together and got his friend back together with his girlfriend.

A romantic weekend

Since he loves the movies so much as do I, we should watch the whole series. Every twilight movie. The first and last one are my favorite he likes eclipse. It's quite amazing to have found a guy who like almost everything I do, and I like almost everything he likes. Perfect right? When I'm with him I picture us being the only two people around and its perfect that way. He is the only person on this planet that I actually like and like being around. Everyone else pisses me off so much and it gets annoying. He may make me mad but because I love him, the hate always goes away. That's why if we can live together for the summer to start out I think it will be great. There most likely will be some issues involving privacy and space, but we wilp surely work through them. I think this weekend will be super fun. It doesn't matter what we do as long as I'm with him I'm happy.

"Love you to the moon and back"

i dont dance

"Spinning you round and round in circles.it ain't my style but I don't care cause I'd do anything with you anywhere cause you've got me in the Palm of your hand" I loved it when we danced together even though it only lasted 2 minutes. It is something I will always remember. Our first dance was to the song "I don't dance". When I put my head on his shoulder he picked me up and spun me round and round in circles. Loved it so much. I wanna do it again.

Wishes

Everyone always has something to wish for. You need to have one because then you can work hard for that wish to come true no matter how difficult you think it might be.

I have 3 wishes. One is that Dan will say yes to let me stay with my bf , which I have a strong feeling he will. The second one is that I hope me and my bf won't act like an old married couple and fight a lot. I want it to be a happy experience, which I think the first month it will be. When we are together we are like attached to each other. You won't let me go and I won't let you go. Last wish is still for that dream of mine to come true and hopefully it does this summer.

See no matter what your wish is you can always find ways to accomplish it or get close to it.

One Thing I'll Never Understand

He says how some of the things i do put him in situations that pisses him off. I understand that, but i dont think he understands that the positions he puts me in hurt me and upset me sometimes. After all the emotions and struggles he has put me through i still love him. I don't know why i still do i just do. Thats something i dont think i'll ever understand. I guess if you love someone you put all situations and mistakes aside and just deal with it. This week has just been confusing and misleading for me. I don't understand him. When i was with him on the weekend he said "I really care about you and love you to death" "theres not a minute during the day i dont think about you, your always on my mind". If i am always on his mind and thats all true then how come he hasnt talked to me since tuesday? doesnt make any sense right. We have gone since February 15th texting or calling eachother everyday. There were two days that we didnt talk but still. We talk every single day, so this is weird for him not to talk to me. I don't understand what is going on at all. Nothing makes any sense anymore. I wish i could understand what is going through his head but i cant.....

Promises

When you make a promise to somebody you need to keep it no matter what it takes. I dont care if you have to walk or crawl on your hands and knees to get to me. If you mean all the things you say then prove it to me. I won't see you for 26 more days guaranteed but still. If he says yes I'll be there June 18th. Then we have all the time in the world to see each other. We will be with each other everyday. I will need some me time and you will need you time. That's fine. Everyone has alone time.

Am I really ready for this?

Once I move in with you that's it. There's no other guys it's just you. I love you yes but I'm 16 there are so many guys out there. I wanna move in like I really do its just reality hasn't set In yet. Are we gonna be able to do this because this is big. A big step in our relationship. I'm gonna be like you independent relying on only myself to support me. I hope we make it through this whole thing. I don't wanna lose you. I can't lose you because you and only you are my world you mean everything to me.

See you in 27 days babe (:

May 17 to May 18. Best weekend ever!!

Spent it with the guy I love with all my heart. He is the most amazing person I have EVER met. He really makes my world. From the moment I first saw him I knew I wanted him to stay around. Nobody and I mean nobody can take him away from me. He is mine and always will be. I want him to stay in my life forever. I'm done listening to what people say because I honestly don't give a crap what you say, it's not your life. Some choices I made along the way may have been hard, but I'm happy I made those choices.This weekend was just so perfect. I wish It could have lasted longer though. We went fishing which was super fun! I caught like 6 fish. We went on what he called a "Hell Ride". 5th gear on his quad through mud,water, it was just so much fun. He said "I know I'm hard on you sometimes, but its because I care a lot about you and love you to death", I would walk for as long as it takes to see him. He is everything I want. He says "How am I perfect, I'm the dumbest guy out there", to me he's beyond perfect. If the guy he lives with says yes he wants me to move in with him. Which I'm moving out anyways so this would be perfect. We had a bonfire, that was pretty freaking cool. laying with him was awesome. I love hugging him. So much stuff to say, but not enough time to say it all. 3 months with the absolute best guy ever to come into my life. Everything that happened this weekend was worth it because i got to be with him once again after 82 days. It was a long time but i got through it. I miss him like crazy and its only been 9 hours since i saw him. From now on what goes on betweenus stays between us i don't want  drama in our relationship.
I love him with all my heart <3
"Love you to the moon and back"

Thinking

Most of the time i do a lot of thinking. I think about what is going on in my life and what changes i should think about making. For the past 2 months all i have been doing is lying because i just don't trust anyone anymore. I dont wanna trust anyone because once you have that trust someone always breaks it. A couple months ago i absolutely hated my life and just didnt want any part in it anymore. I just wanted to be isolated. I'm in a happy place right now and i just want it to stay that way. I don't want it to change. There are some things in my life that i really should think about changing and the first one is my anger. The slightest thing will piss me off, like if your walking slow in front of me im going to have a bitch fit. I have a dangerous side too and i never know whether or not my body will actually take action. I am always saying "Im going to fucking kill you" or "I hate the world, i wish there was another terrorist attack". I cant be saying these kinds of things because they could lead me to a bad place. I dont care about trouble anymore. I really dont. If i would get arrested, so be it. What do i care. If anyone would ever find out where i would be then oh well. Just gonna have to take a drastic move. I hurt absolutely every single one of my friends because of him. But i actually cant blame it on him....because they were my moves and my decisions. I chose to do what i did. You may think i didnt know what i was doing but i actually did. I knew that if anyone would find out the truth, which obviously they all would everyone would be pissed and mad at me. That is all understandable. I had a friend who i used to be able to tell every single thing to, but lately i havent been. She would almost always understand what i would go through. She probably thinks i dont know it, but i know i pissed her off so much and annoyed her. All i ever did was talk about boys. boys this, boys that, boys everything. It really did get to be annoying even for me hearing myself say it all the time. But yet i kept going on and on about my problems. I actually dont think i even let her vent to me about anything because it would always be me talking about my issues. I know she probably didnt listen half the time, but for me just talking about it out loud helped. I had a lot of emotional breakdowns a couple months back, that i thought wouldnt ever go away. Then turning to drugs was the next step in my life. That was and still is a problem. I know i never should have started to do shit like that, but i did anyways. I would say there not bad drugs....but truth is all drugs are bad. my life is like a roller coaster and right now its going down the hill. I almost wonder if im gonna hit the bottom. rock bottom. i probably am going to since i am so far into it all. Everything has side effects, sometimes there good and sometimes there not. you wanna know how i stay up all night and then in morning am so energized. its because i take stuff at night to keep me awake and then in the morning i take stuff to keep me awake and energized. its an ongoing process. it just started this month though, so im not to too far in it. You see what i mean i do some insanely stupid and dumb things. Am i stopping them though.....no im not. I dont know why either. not saying any names. Right now or should i say the past month ive been in the drug stage. the new people ive been acquainted with have been introducing me to new things. Next is the alcohol stage. Once i hit that stage im going to hit rock bottom, no doubt about that. You say i do dumb things and you are right i know. im fucking mad stupid for the things i do. and not just half the things i do all of them. Each and every decision i make is dumb.like for instance my dream. "My life dream all starts when im __ and goes from there". who has a dream like that. or should i say what teenager has a dream like that. the way i act is more than likely going to lead to that happening. Smoking was one of the beginning stages. everytime i would be around someone who was smoking I Needed A Cigg. Then even if i looked stupid when i would be walking about and smelt a cigg i would take such a deep breath in so i could really smell it. Ive also gone past the suicidal stage. Not such a fun one. I went through something last year that only two people, well three now know about. That really messed my head up. I dont talk about anything that could relate to that anymore. It gets to me like a lot. I hated feeling the way i felt. Now he said hi to me twice this week and gave me a hug. Its not that i was trying to be mean but i really didnt want him to touch me. Cause after he did all the memories from those couple weeks came flowing back into my head. Things i didnt want to picture i saw again. the year of 2014 just started and ive already boarded the roller coaster. anyways im at a happy place right now. and no im not taking pills to make me happy.

Never thought i would be back in this

I am in a web of lies because of him. I don't know who i told what to. Everything is just a jumbled mess. The person who is supposed to be my best friend doesn't even know. I keep forgetting what story i told her because i told so many people different stories. I just wish i could fix it all and just tell everyone there is no guy in my life, but that would just be another lie because there is. I just don't want people to know who he is. I should have never started talking to them again after i was pissed at them, but i did because it was so hard not to. Its like i love him and miss him, but the things he says just are very believable. If he really does love me then he should prove it. It upsets me because the last time he said "I love you" was march 25th. that was two weeks ago... I don't wanna give up on him, but if thats what needs to be done so be it.

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less"

saddening

When he said "I just wish you were older" it made me cry a little because he's making me worried that he's gonna break up with me. I really don't want him to break up with me because i actually do love him back. he make me really happy and calm. I love talking on the phone with him almost every night. we have texted eachother everyday since february 15th. thats 2 months of talking to eachother straight. i dont wanna break up with him because he's perfect. our relationship has had its ups and downs, but so does every relationship out there. Even though i thought he cheated, he really didn't. the girl who said they were dating lied. plus she lives in a different state. i honestly can say i do trust him and thats something hard for me to do. he may have lied twice, but thats twice in a long period of time. i miss him so much it hurts. he's like picture perfect. when we talk on the phone all i do is smile. i love it when he sings, nobodys perfect its the effort that counts.

our song
 I'll see you tonight- Scotty McCreery

Memory

Everytime I go to walmart it reminds me of the first time we met. You were leaning up against the car in the second parking spot by the gardening center at walmart. And when i was in the back seat with my friend i told her " He is fucking hot as hell" Then after she left and i went to get back in the car you opened the door for me and sat in the back with me. You asked for a hug and i really really like hugs. You were wearing that orange shirt and hat. That car ride was a bit awkward, but i was happy that i was finally with you.

OMG i seriously can remember second by second of everything that happened that night.

Truth

We have so much in common and thats really cool. We are gonna have a fun time for my birthday. My day will be perfect only because I'll be with you. This will be my favorite birthday yet. OMG I just really wanna kiss you so badly. I wanna say something... You are perfect and never forget that. I just wanna lay with you all night. Since I don;t know when I'll see you again the couple days your staying over have to go by slowly.

If your reading this Love You.

Wanting something you know you cant have

I have the most perfect guy in my life right now. I tell him all the time how perfect and sweet he is. We talk absolutely each and every day from the moment i get home from school all the way till 2 in the morning the next day. We talk on the phone for hours at a time which i love because i can hear his voice.Sounds perfect right? Well just like any relationship there are some obstacles in the way. Such as him living 45 minutes away from me and for the entire month we have been dating i've only seen him once. That hurts a lot. We make plans to see eachother, but there is always a problem or an excuse why we can't see eachother. I miss him more than anything. This is one relationship that i could honestly say i want to last for as long as it possibly can. There is just something about him that makes me so happy and attached to him, that i dont wanna let him go. My friends don't like him very much they say our relationship is "icky" because of our ages, but it doesnt bother me. I will say the things my friends and classmates say about him really get to me and sometimes make me upset. They probably don't think it makes me upset, but it does. No matter his age i will still like him. We say I love you to eachother every night before we go to sleep. I don't think i can actually say i really mean it considering we have only been dating for one month, but the feelings i have for him are strong. He brightens my day up. I can't wait for school to be over so i can go home and text him. That is one thing i look forward to doing when i get home. He is just perfect. I may say that about a lot of guys, but the way i say it about him is like no other. Its different. The tragedy he had to go through last year was so devastating that it hurt me. When he tries telling me the story he is crying and it makes me cry because its so sad. He should have never went through what he did last year. He still hasnt told me the whole story and i keep telling him he doesn't have to tell me because i can see it makes him upset, he wants me to know it though. 

He is perfect and i hope that it will work out and last a long time. Both of our wishes can come true this summer if we try hard enough.

i cant think

so theres this guy who i feel likes me. Thing is i could never see us being in a relationship i can only see us as a hookup buddy.(I know inappropriate). His personality makes me think that's all he would want anyway. We had a conversation and it was cute. 

 


Isnt he just perfect. I think he is. Especially with those gorgeous blue eyes of his. Those are freaking amazing. I know his personality well enough to know he isnt the relationship type...which is just like me, so technically we are perfect. For him to actually think i'm cute cause he's all that and more and then me im just i dont know. we seem so different. If he would actually kiss me i will be amazed. well i just hope things go good. I'm so glad i started talking to him again because it makes a difference. I used to like him and he didnt like me and now he actually does like me so i dont know.

Feeling like this sucks

The worst type of crying.
Is when your lips start to shake and tears build up quickly and fall fast. You're bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and not make any noise but it hurts too much to hold it in so you let out a yelp and a cry then comes the loss of breath which sucks because not only you're crying out loud but you think you sound dumb for not breathing too.
It's just a mess.

It just got real.

Delete.

As of 1:43 yesterday  you have been deleted from my life. That is official. You are no longer programmed in my phone. I am erasing you from my heart and mind. I cant be sad all the time. And you are making me. I am done with your attitude and just everything.  One day im happy because of you the next im pissed off. Why cant you just tell me what you want or what your looking for....instead of acting like you could care less about me. I wish you wouldn't have kissed me if you werent serious about us getting close. I just wish i knew what you wanted. Then maybe i can figure out what to do next. I told everyone how perfect you were and that i want to call you mine

I dont know

Not knowing what to do or how to do it is a problem. Not feeling the same connection you used to feel for someone. Wanting something so badly, but feeling like you dont deserve it. Feeling miserable because you dont wanna ruin another good thing. He's good for me and i know that, but he doesn't act like he wants the same thing i want.  I've wanted to be in a relationship with him since November. He says hes looking for a relationship, but he doesnt necessarily show thats what he wants.  I have been saying how much i like him and wanna be with him. Hes perfect in so many ways,its just i don't know what move i should make. I was told thaf if he doesn't make the first move i should. I know to make it not awkward i should have scooted over to him when we were watching the movie yesterday. I need to not be shy around him anymore. 

Where it all started

It all started on November 4th. That was the day of the fight. The day he beat the shit out of feggle (k). The day where i said "now thats my kind of guy" i remember that fight like it was yesterday. I remembrr everything i said to. I didnt know what the guy who beat up k's name was. But it didnt matter cause i knew right there right then that i liked him. Then december 7th i sent him a message on facebook and said "hey your cute js". That message started it all. Ever since then we have talked and he really started to grow on me. And i wanted there to be something between us. Thats what i was shooting for...he may have ruined part of it, but there's still some hope in my heart. I know in my heart that we can be something he just needs to push and try for it. He kissed me twice and then avoids me for a couple days...made plans that he didnt stick to.That is what ruined it.that and only that is whar ruined it. I dont feel the same connection i used to and im not sure why. But i do know one thing and that is that i am willing to keep trying and put effort in only if he does.

He is Eric.

Not knowing what you want

It has to be one of the worst feelings. I thought i knew what i wanted but.....maybe i thought wrong. Maybe the choice i made wasnt the right one. At the time i thought it was and i dont know maybe i still do think it right. I just dont know anymore. I chose Eric over anyone because i have liked him longer. I have liked him for 4 months. Then new years comes along and we are making progress. Now we are hanging by a thread because i dont know where we r

The little things

You don't have to do much to put a smile on my face. But theres so much you can do to put a frown on my face. Its the little things in life that can change that. One thing i hate is when a guy just leaves you hanging like you meant nothing to them.

Happy one day sad the next

Friday i came home so happy and just couldnt stop smiling. After lunch he walked me to my next class and along the way we were talking. When we got to my class he said "do i get a kiss" i said yes and we kissed. He has no idea how much that kiss meant to me. The guy i have had a huge crush on since november finally kissed me. After that happened i continued to smile till the end of the school day and probably till i went to sleep. It made me so happy to know that me and him are actually getting somewhere good. Then today game. We had plans to hangout today and i couldnt wait. He worked at 5 so we had to hangout before then. As 1 o'clock was nearing and still no response from him i started getting mad because i dont get why he wouldnt text me. I hate crawling after people.  Well anyways at like 1:30 i texted him saying hey. He started texting me, then at like 1:40 he asked if i still wanna hang. I said yea. Then once again we made plans. At 3:03 he texts me and says "damn we cant hang out today. Ill make it up to you when we go out next week". Then i go on his instagram page to find that when he said he was on his way to get me he was really with his friends at a restaurant. That all made me pissed. I say i like it and that i can handle it. Truth is I'm not that strong. Mentally or emotionally strong. The smallest thing can make me upset and i just put on a face to make it look like i don't care and that it doesn't bother me. It bothers me a lot. Like i thought that the kiss meant we were actually getting somewhere good. If we would date is this how its gonna be. Is he never going to text me first. Like i dont understand what the big issue is with that. I don't wanna have to always text him first. I may overthink a lot of things, which i tend to do. I feel like its all a game. I mean i like him cause he's nice and has a mean/bad side to him. But then i feel like the kiss was a distraction to shut me up. Either way he asked for a kiss. My friend said he didnt try hard enough before. Shes right he didnt try hard enough. He is trying this time but i dont see the effort. If he was actually trying he would text me and talk to me at schooo but no. Its when ever i text him and whenever i am staring at him he will say hi. Thats not how it should be right? I dont know why i stresa myself out over these thing. All i know is my day was ruined. It is ending shitty because of him.

Exactly

Aw

I love talking to him hes so sweet. I was upset today, but now that i talked to him i feel very happy and smiley. he is just to nice.

Secrets

I hate keeping secrets from my friends, but there are times when you have to. This is one of those times. I have been keeping a secret since the 17th. I need it to remain a secret because i dont want anyone finding out what im doing or who im with. People may get mad at me or get hurt. I'm just doing what i always do. I have been saying i feel like im turning into S, which i really feel like i am going to.  This is one secret i need to keep and i dont know how long for. If i were to hurt one person it would be the guy im dating... but you know what fuck itt. All i do is get hurt and hurt people. Thats my personallity. Im not a fucking little good girl. Like no im me and thats who i wanna be.

Did I make the right choice?

Every time i talk about my boyfriend with my mom i say Erics name instead of his. When i'm hanging or talking to my boyfriend i always am about to say eric instead of his name. This kind of thing has never happened to me, which is weird. Yesterday i said eric, luckily he wasnt paying attention because that would have been bad. When i think of my bf erics name pops in my head. like everything is Eric and its annoying. I wanted to be in a relationship so much because i really needed to feel that comfort again and before things got bad. I just dont think im the relationship type of person. I'm always trying to complicate things. I actually have someone who cares about me and wants to be with me and watch i ruin it. i would hate if i were to ruin things because he's a nice guy.

Breakups arent my thing

I'm the kind of person who can't break up with someone. Its hard for me to do. I normally would either have my friend press send on a message i wrote or just have them say i want out. Thats not the right thing to do but thats the only thing i can do. I always feel like if i break up with them they will never talk to me again or wanna be friends. I don't want that and that is why breakups are hard for me.

Thinking all the time

Theres so much thinking to be done. So much stuff to think about. I kinda wish eric tried harder and showed he actually really liked me. I get that he was talking about asking me out on a date. Its just why didnt he then. Like i dont get what the hold up was we've known eachother since November 7th. He knows that i really liked him. I always called him cute and hamdsome. And i thought we were actually getting somewhere new years. Cause he called me cutie and said he liked me. It's upsetting cause now im dating his friend. To be honest i dont even know why.it was rushed. I dont even know if i want this relationship either....i know thats bad to say.

Unexpected

So the unexpected news is that im in a relationship,but not with eric. With his friend. I dont really know how it all happened but it did. He asked me out on monday so its going to be 4 days tomorrow. Its his first relationship. Im not really used to relationships because ive had a different kind of relationship since september so im not used to this. But its going good. I have that comfort that i needed.

Rushing

Only my friend would understand this. Last year on February 18th started the long journey of 7 months of hell. That was when S wasnt talking to me and i was miserable. I cried every single night for 5 months.Then my JB came back into my life and we started dating. I had comfort and barely thought about S, but there were some nights i did. My mind was always on my boyfriend and i was actually started to heal and be happy again. Even my best friend knew that i was happy and that i needed that comfort to get my mind off S. She knew it was what i needed. Me and JB had our issues but nothing compared to those disastrous months. When me and JB broke up i was sad and started thinking about S again. Which made me be upset again. Then at the end of august he started talking to me again. I was happy. Even though S broke my heart many times he somehow has the power to always fix it. Like they say "only the one you breaks your heart can fix it". Now as February is nearing its starting to get to me because i feel like the same thing is going to happen. He hasnt talked to me since December 17th. I have said since probably a lil before that, that i wanted a boyfriend. That is why i am trying to get into a relationship. Im kinda rushing, which i hate doing. cause sometimes something goes wrong. But i have been ready for a relationship for awhile. i just need that comfort again. like i really need it.

Perfection

In my life nothing was perfect, but now i can say that there is one thing that is. Eric is the definition of perfect in my life right now. He just is the sweetest thing. I cant even put it into words because theres just so many ways to describe him. Even when i say im mad at him, there was really nothing he did wrong. He just doesnt seem like the guy who would screw you over or take advantage of you. Hes perfect. I cant say that about many guys i have liked in the past either. I may have said there adorable but not perfect and definitely not the definition of perfect. His eyes, hair, smile, just everything about him i like. I wanna learn so much more about him. I keep saying that if and when we date we would last easily more than a year. The way he acts now is probably how he would act in a relationship. No fights. No arguments. Its just normal. We may not talk everyday but when we do there is a smile on my face brought on by him. Hes just beyond perfect. I am really trying not to ruin our friendship because if i do we may never talk again. I may not be in luck to find someone as perfect as while in high school. Thats why i cant mess anything up. I think im actually the only girl who likes him. And if i really am thats sad because a lot of girls are missing out on a great guy. i like him a lot. and even though i said i had another crush i told him today that i cant like him because i have a better chance with eric and that he is more sweeter than him. He probably got mad and thats why he stopped responding,but it doesnt matter. Talking to him has also made me really stop and i actually mean stop talking to S. Which is a miracle. Im happy though because i dont need anymore assholes or lying cheaters in my life anymore. i actually want a good guy and eric is that. Hes just too perfect. His voice is dreamy, like i could listen to him talk all day and all night long. Everything about him is perfect.<3 I will show him this one day and he will know he has a good girl in his life.

My decision is made

Eric it is. He is sweet kind and cute like a teddy bear. He is a keeper. Hes so adorable.

How my decision will be made

My decision will be based on a lot more than just these few things.

1. If eric doesnt talk, smile, or say hi to me by friday then his loss it will be.
2. Whichever guy talks to me first.
3. Whoever smiles at me tomorrow.
4. Whoever says hi to me tomorrow.

These sound corny but there just somethings i need to look for.

Not Knowing Whats Gonna Happen Next

The things i am doing can take me in one direction or another. One is good and one is bad. I dont know which direction to take.

When things are said, they cant be unsaid. I once cared a lot about him and had many feelings for him still, but they just need to realize that i take things seriously. They need to understand that what they say is hurting me and making me upset. Not to the point where i'm crying, but it hurts.

Then Eric is making things harder than they need to be. I smile and try to say hi to him and i know he sees me, but he never does anything back. I feel like he doesn't care. He told my friend that he likes me and thinks I'm cute, but if that is all true he should prove it. He needs to prove it. If he doesnt then i have nothing to believe. He calls me cutie once. I ask to hang and he says sure, but when i comes to that day he doesnt respond. Why is that? Does he just say yes to shut me up or something. These are questions i want answers to. I would ask him, but how do i do that when he wont even talk to me. Now i get he doesnt have a phone at the moment. but i havent talked to him in 15 days. I used to talk to him every 2 or 3 days. This is killing me, because i really miss talking to him. I feel like it is all a game. The game idea sounds so familiar. Where they say they like you when really they don't and you find out its all a joke. I swear i feel like i am going to get hurt by him just because i dont know whats going on in his mind. He doesnt respond to my messages or say hi to me at school or even smile back. If he doesnt like me then he shouldnt lie and say he does....

Then the other guy returns in my life after three years. we barely even talked back then to begin with. he always talked to my friend and i just happened to be there with her. dirt bike guy could be his nickname. We used to watch him ride his dirt bike. That was really fun. I remember how i used to have a huge crush on him and how i obsessed over him. Then i moved on because he moved and i got the hint. Now he likes me. I dont understand anything anymore. When i liked him he didnt like me and now he likes me and i dont know what i feel. He says hes really happy we are talking again. I mean i guess thats good. "Gorgeous blue eyes".There are a lot of stories that may or may not be true about him. They are mostly all bad. He says he wants to give me a hug but i gotta stop being so shy around him.

I just dont know what i want to happen next. One choice can either make everything right or destroy everything. Now i have two choices and i can only pick one. Just one not two because two makes everything confusing. Both are good i guess. now i really really like eric, but do i really know how he feels....no. I say no because he doesnt act like he likes me and he doesnt show it. if you like someone they will catch you looking at them, smiling at them and vise versa. They will say hi and ask you to hang out. He doesnt do that. Nothing good is happening with him in the new year of 2014. Then the other choice can lead somewhere good, but i doubt it. If the stories are true then its just like the senior i once hung out with....which didnt lead anywhere good. But if it led somewhere good i dont know what i would do.

So that leaves me with a choice to make. Nobody knows what i am going to do. I can say one thing though i will have made my decision by Friday January 17th....

Memory

I still can't remember that when I was in 7th Grade I had a binder that was coated in hearts with his name in it. I used to be obsessed with him and wrote his name on absolutely every folder and binder pretty much anything. I liked him alot back in 2011 then he moved and we haven't talked since then. when he started looking at me at lunch it made me think. Then when he said "your pretty cute(:" that made me smile. Then i thought well since he likes me, why not like him again. So now i have a little crush on him again. I doubt that it will lead to anything good but wht not give it a shot.

The Returning friend

The guy or should I say a returning friends talking to me again. thankfully is in the senior junior. I hear stories about him. They are good stories either. Apparently every girl he has dated he cheated on. He slept with each of them to. He does seem like a guy who would cheat but it reminds me of another guy. I don't know the guy for 4 months and then after he start talking again, 3 months. my friend calls him "gorgeous blue eyes." to be honest that statement is true. I also really like guys who have blue eyes. I am really into eric, but who said you cant like two guys at once.

Its almost gonna be one month

Its almost gonna be one month since i last talked to him. I should say since the last time he talked to me. We last talked on December 17. I remember that day so clearly because it snowed and we had no school. It is starting to get to me. Nobody can tell because they would think im acting myself. Truth is im not ive moved back to my old ways anf am just looking for trouble. Trouble should be my middle name. When I get involved with seniors that's where it starts to get bad. senior guys me do not get along very well.

Once again I'm Confused

So i like Eric and i wanna make things work with him. Then this guy who i used to like started talking to me and he likes me. i used to like him in 2011 but havent seen him since so i havent liked him. I have to say i think i was flirting back yesterday. which isnt good because eric was there. everything is making me confused and i dont like being confused.

Im happy

So i found out today that he hasnt been ignoring me. he actually likes me and would ask me on a date. so i found out that the reason he hasnt been texting me is because  he dropped his phone in the toilet on new years. that would explain absolutely everything. At least i have an explanation now. No more sadness now i am full of joy. I didnt know that he actually like liked me i just knew he called me cutie. but now to actually know he likes me makes me even more happier. he said he would ask me out on a date but he doesnt wanna sneak around my mom. my mom is coocoo (friends words) and doesnt allow me to hang out with guys. so normally i sneak around. You see this guy is really nice and he is smart. so just for him i asked my mom if i am allowed to hang out with guys. she said yes. she knows his name, age stuff like that. i told her she could meet him if she doesnt believe me. im happy that this is one guy that my best friend and my mom approve of. that make me happy a lot. because normally i pick out guys who arent nice and asses. nobody ever approves of them. and as bad as this sounds i would choose eric over JB in a heartbeat. truth be told.

welp hopefully he asks me out on a date soon. cant wait.!!!!(:

distressed and agitated

Because of the way he is acting is making me go crazy. Like i honestly just wanna crawl in bed and cry. I don't know what to think. All I know is i'm probably thinking of the worst scenario's possible. My friend is probably right, that i'm over exaggerating. But....what if i'm not and this is all real. What if something is happening and i don't know. There is an explanation for why he is avoiding me and not responding to any of my messages. There is always an explanation. My friend knows that when guys are involved in my life and im into them i pay close attention to every detail. Like absolutely every detail. Thats how i know if something doesnt fit. One odd thing out and i'll catch it. I'm not obsessed i just like to know what is going on. My lunch table thinks he's hiding something or he just isnt in to me anymore. I try to tell them if he was hiding something i think i would know unless he is that smart and i cant see it. I tell them how he has been calling me cutie and how we talked while i was on vacation. we snapchatted for an entire night. when that was going on i was happy. really happy. when i start liking a guy i pick up on everything about them, that way i know what i'm getting myself into. i know exactly what he does for fun. He is an open person that is why i dont get why he would be hiding something from me. I overlook these things to the extent. that is why i am feeling the way i do. Maybe overlooking these things is good, i can find things i didnt know and unveil things i never thought could be there. There are so many things going through my mind right now and i dont know which thing i should follow or think more about. everything is a puzzle right now and i just need to find all the pieces, but i dont know how. This one girl told me today "i told you he was stupid and a dick". i just looked at her. Like don't these people understand that what they say hurts me. like your criticizing someone i like. I don't think you would like it if i started to criticize someone you like or even the person you are dating. Then a couple days ago a girl who sits with me at lunch said "i think he's hiding something from you and he doesnt like you", its just like shut up you don't even freaking know him. Like geez. I'm a very sensitive person and even the littlest thing can send me in tears or close to it. I say i'm distressed because i am very upset and its just annoying. My friend may say im obsessed, but if i was obsessed i would know his every move and every class he has. I would know everything and i dont. I only know the things he tells me and whats on his profile. Wow you know what i just realized....i dont even know his favorite color :'(
thats really poor. I think its either blue or red. his favorite hoodie is red i know that. i know he likes GTA.


through all this crap heres a poem...
"his rich green eyes played with her mind,
the smile that lingered on his face was only for her.
But his touch was so soft, not like the others.
She thought he was sweet, but not like the others."

Moving on isn't easy

I’ll be honest with you. Moving on isn’t easy. I’d think moving on is just a matter of putting the past behind us. I mean, you want to move on? Just forget about the past! Get over it. Look onward to the future. Keep yourself busy with other things.
Uh-uh – Not so easy. While these do help in some way, I realized there is more than meets the eye. No matter how hard I tried to push away the past, the past was always there, affecting the way I thought about myself, my decisions and actions.Often, we think we have moved on but we haven’t. Thinking you have moved on and having really moved on are two separate situations altogether. You continue to live under the shadow of that person or relationship without realizing it. You think you have been liberated but truth is you are still living in a mental prison as you keep thinking about the person and past memories. This prevents you from receiving new things in your life.


 signs to tell if you have not moved on:

- When you think of the person more often than not.

- When you think about him/her even though you don’t want to.

- When you keep mentally reliving past memories with him/her, usually the happy/sweet ones.

- When he/she comes to mind the first instant when you are down and out.

- When you still have questions and resignations about the past. You wonder what could have been or why didn’t it turn out a certain way.

- When you keep trying to improve yourself because you feel you were not good enough (for him/her).

- When you have a desire or urge to contact him/her even though you previously told yourself you didn’t want to.


Moving On takes time ..You must have time to really move on from your past relationship. To really forget the feelings you have from that person. You have to let go ..! (lilianmaeg)

Making me feel like shit

Thanks to you i feel like crying. Is that how you want me to feel? I hope not. I like you a lot and i feel like you don't even care. If you don't wanna hang out then tell i wont be mad. Theres something going on with you that i'm not sure about. I wish i knew though. You call me cutie one day and then no talking for days. The last conversation we had was new years day 1am. Thats 8 days ago. Do you even care. I have tried talking to you but i never get a response. I know that you are getting my messages and i know that you are seeing them.even if you dont wanna hang just tell me. I won't be mad if you say no, i'm mad because you just don't respond. Last week when you said we could hang friday made me really happy, but when i texted you friday you never responded. It seems as if since new years you havent responded. I don't know maybe the new year created a new you who doesn't like to respond to anybody or something. Like whats the deal dude. I thought we were friends but i guess i was wrong. I can say two things. One is that i am really happy i met you. And two is that you made my new years better because you were talking to me all new years eve and new years morning. I just wish you could see how much i am trying to get your attention. I want you to be my Valentine  :)

Welp if you read this i want you to know your one great guy whos voice i cant get over and whos personality is sweet. 

Last year repeating.

Last year i went through shit. as it was stated in an old entry. Well a new story is to come. January 17th will mark one month since they last talked to me. I have to say i'm taking it a lot better than the last time. Its annoying though because i have done nothing wrong. i didnt put any drama in there life...well not that i know of. i think he just says i do stuff to piss me off. well let me say it fricking works.  lets see how long this no talking streak lasts. It started December 17th.

the hardest question "Why?"

i just wanna know why. why doesn't he ever respond. Why doesn't he talk to me at school anymore. Why doesn't he do anything. I know he looks at me because my friends say he looks and stares at me. I know he gets my texts. I know he sees them. Why doesn't he put in any effort. He's making me think that he doesn't care. He calls me cutie then ignores me. Its just like what the hell. You know. one day we are fine and then the next we arent. weird thing is that reminds me of this other person. I wonder if there friends....

I figured it out

I think that i was meant to meet karl. I know he's JB best friend but still. If i wasnt meant to meet him then i would havr never figured out his name. Nobody told me his name. I didnt even know who he was. I saw his face for 5 seconds. I searched and searched for this guy on Facebook unti i think i found him. I then found out him amd JB were friends. I was still dating JB at this point so i couldn't do anything. At the time i didnt want to because i was happy in the relationship with JB. After a while i began looking up more about karl because i wanted to know more about him. The more i found the more fascinated i was with him. Then me and JB broke up. A day later i started talking to karl. The first conversation was pretty funny like he was so open with me. He said some things that shocked me but it was ok.after we started talking for a month i began to really like like him. Then we hungout. We liked it and wanted to hangout again.. but couldn't cuz JB my ex found out and was pissed. Truth be told i still kinda like karl,but we barely talk anymore.so all i have are memories. :( its sad but i thing i learned a lesson from meeting him

Him.

This guy and me have been talking since November 7th. thats almost 2 months. I really like this guy. he's sweet funny and freaking adorable.oh and also cute. i hate when he says we can hang and we make plans n then we dont. i just dont get it. im mad at him. but you cant stay mad at someone who is cute.