Memory :(

Well today is 11 weeks since me and him have hung out. As I was going up hill I looked back and had a memory of one of the times me and him hung out.
MEMORY: I was walking to go hang out with him and I kept saying where was he then I saw him riding his scooter to me. I texted him and said "I see you". Then he stopped scootering and we walked to our usual hangout. He climbed over the fallen trees in park and I followed, till we got to our usual spot. Then there we did what we always did.
It must mean something to remember something that happened in November so clearly. I remember detail by detail. Well as I was having this memory re-played in my head today I started to feel say and tear up because of how much I miss him. I have been having quite a lot of memories lately.
I have just been so sad and depressed lately and just wish everything could go back to normal. Even though I know it won't ever.

Feelings Go Away Please..

The feelings I have for you are unlike any other feelings I have. I just wish I could say hello instead of goodbye. Without you by my side I feel broken. You and only you can mend my heart now. So please I ask you please say hello once more. Maybe that will change everything and just maybe you will see we were meant to be.
All I can say is that if only my feeling for you would go away, I would be happy again. That maybe I will be my old self again. Truth is I can never be my old self again.....because I gave you everything. Its like the old me no longer exists.
I miss you so much and I just wish you could see how much I really care for you. You are always saying how much your life sucks because nobody cares for you. Well all you need to do is open your eyes because I care. I'm hear to listen to all that you have to say no matter what it is.
You probably have never thought about me the way I think about you. I feel like I am going to do something really stupid eventually. Something I won't be able to take back. Something I will regret. So please just remember this one thing "Always say hello before you say goodbye".

I miss you..
I miss you.

Quote

"They say time heals everything".....but it really doesn't.

Change Of Path

)':
I should have never kept going back to him. Every time he hurt me I should have known that he would do it again...oh wait I did know. I thought he changed and that he was a different person. Boy was I wrong. He didn't change, nor will he ever. "Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater" that's a quote my best friend told me. When I was with him I actually felt like he cared....wow how could I be so blind.

(crying while talking about this is so hard not to do)

I have nothing to look forward to anymore. You are probably thinking "wow she is messed up, its just a guy move on and get over it". Well listen up its not as easy as it sounds. I fell for him so many times thinking that just maybe if I keep taking him back he may actually want to be in a relationship with me. wronggg.
I'm Done.
Donzo.

What I'm Doing..

I thought that by trying to make him miserable wouldn't make me still have feelings for him and would make me feel a little better. Truth is I feel even worse. I have cried so much at night for the past to days I just wish I could go back and make it so I never met him. I just don't wanna feel like this anymore. NOTHING I do makes me feel any better. I'm hurt, broken and don't feel like I can be fixed. He has to know it's me who is making his life miserable, but I really don't think he knows. I tried doing something bad and I just couldn't do it because then I wouldn't know if things would ever change. Over this GUY I have tried to overdose, cut, and more. I just can't find a way to relieve my pain. I feel like my heart is being ripped out and stabbed repeatedly ever day. My life is crap right now because I can't find a way to relieve my pain. Everything is going wrong.The only reason why I wanna do all this stuff to him is because I wanna have a memory of that. I don't wanna have the memory of trying to do all that bad stuff, because that's not good.
People are always saying "Don't kill yourself over a guy". There right you shouldn't do that. I don't look forward to waking up every morning knowing it will be another day that I don't talk to him. That hurts like crazy. I MISS him so much, its unbelievable. Thing is he probably hasn't thought about me once. I just feel like falling in a deep sleep and never waking up :'(
I can't do this....I can't deal with the pain....I just can't.

Story of Mine

Let me tell ya'll a story of mine. My whole life changed when I met this guy. He made me feel free and special. Then I realized he only "liked" me for what I gave him. That was not ok. He isn't going through pain like I am. He's living in heaven while i'm living in hell. Go figure. Things gotta change because I really just wanna give up. But i'm not a person who gives up so easily. There comes a time in life where you just have to let go of someone or something you care about. My time has come.

"If you love something, let it go
If it comes back to you, it's yours
If it doesn't, then it never was"

I have followed that quote many times and every time he has come back.....except this time. So I guess the quote doesn't always work. Its time to let go.

I try and try and try and try, but I don't give up. I try to move past the pain and free myself through all my tears. I can't afford to cry anymore because I have lost so much already. Crying over him is ok, but to be crying over him for 2 months is not. That just shows you how hurt I am, and how hard I have tried to let go. Crying solves little, but remembering helps to let go. In my case remembering makes me hold on tighter and not wanna let go. I try and look forward, but my past creeps up behind and that's all I see. Why can't that change?

Well my story can go on and on, but I don't want anymore memories to be in my head. I want the rest of today to be memory free..

The Hardest Thing I'll Ever Do

The hardest thing I'll ever do
is let go of you
And look forward instead of back to my past
I wonder how long this broken heart will last
I guess everything you ever said was a lie...

By: Leal Ashae Sargent

Not Worth The Pain

if I could have stayed just a little longer where would we be
every night I dream and your part of my little scheme.
I miss you oh so badly and you don't even care
I am trying to move on but ...I just can't
By: Ashley Brewer

Lost

I thought it was a dream, I thought it wasn't real
But pain really hurts and its really how I feel
Memories keep coming back, and so do all of the tears
I hear your voice, and as quick as ..........

By: Sheli

Pain Pain Go Away

Pain pain go away!
Please do not come back another day.
Tears falling down my face
oh how I wish for his warm embrace.
Wonder if he cares about me.
Wonder if this is suppose to ..........

By: Kari Johnston

What I Think

As of now half of me doesn't wanna ever get involved with you again.....but the other half wants to see you and be close to you again.
Everyone knows that we will not cross paths again....but in my heart I won't give up hope. Because I would like to cross paths again, but just as friends. That's really all I want is for us to be friends JUST friends. You don't even seem to want that since you don't talk to me in public. I just hope that my feeling will pass and my pain disappears before I really can't handle it anymore.
The part that always gets me upset when I think about this all is....."How can you like someone so much and they don't like you at all". Maybe he's shy to tell me I think....probably not he just doesn't feel the same. I need to find someone who can take my mind off things and who will make me happy. Someone who will give me as much I give them in return. I'm done trying to make everything work out and I'm done taking him back. This time I really mean it! All I wanna do is be his friend NOTHING more. Especially not a Friend With Benefit. That was not fun. The last guy I dated all I thought about was this guy. I technically only ever liked this guy, not the guy I dated. Wow, right. Even when I think of someone else he is always on my mind.
That all needs to stop.

Today....

Well today was the first day I started acting like the REAL me and not the FAKE me. I just was myself for once. When I got to school I felt horrible because I still was full of so much pain. My best friend gave me a hug which made me feel a little better. Then when we started talking about happiness I started to tear up because it brought back a lot of memories and I just couldn't hold it back. I teared up so much today. When normally I would just keep it all bundled inside of me.....and have the pain trapped inside me. Then I felt a little bit ok until I went to one of my classes with my one friend....she brought him up. As soon as she said his name I lost it and started to really tear up because of the pain inside. I really miss him.....but can't do anything about it. A couple of my friends made me feel a little bit better, but when they said I need to let go in my head I said "I tried....I've really tried". Like they don't understand how much I have tried to move on and forget it all. He isn't a good guy for me, my friends are right. But for some reason I can't shake the feelings I have for him. The feelings are just to strong.

I just don't understand

"He ignores you

but you like him

He does nothing

yet you fall for him

You miss him

even though you know

he's never thought about you."

Forgetting Him

Dear Friend, I have tried so hard to let him go and forget about him. I tried to do that for a whole week and see how it went. Well you wanna know something. I cried almost every night because it hurt more than anything. I never told you that because you probably would've thought I was a baby or something like that. I cried so much during that week that I just gave up on trying to forget him. Because if that's how it was gonna feel I didn't wanna forget him. You told me everyone gets rejected and that's ok. Yea I know I don't care about that it's just I gave him so much and can't take it back that's hurting me. It's..... I have tried and tried to let go....it just does no good I can't. I do agree with you though that it is time to let go. Point is don't you think I've tried? because I have many times. Have you seen the pain I've been through? no, so how can you know what I'm going through. Because you can't. You can try, but you'll never be able to feel the same. It's half my fault because every time he shut me out I kept taking him back. I know you said I shouldn't have, but I still did. It's just I didn't want it to be over. I never wanted it to end. Like how can he of all people mean so much to me....and I mean so little to him. It's like he thinks of me as a piece of paper and I think of him as the sun. (crappy metaphor I know) but you get the point. I never got a goodbye. :'( It's like he just woke up and thought "I'm done texting/talking to her".....He really isn't gonna ever talk to me again. The last time we spoke he said "just reg friends". We aren't even that. He does't talk to me in school or public for that matter. He doesn't even text me to say hey. NOTHING. My world is falling apart. I feel like it can't be fixed....i'm starting to really think that's true. I JUST WANT TO F***ING SCREAM!! "You really love him, don't you?" nobody knows that answer. "Truth is, I miss him. all the time, every second, every minute, every hour, every day." maybe I do. "Sometimes it's not just about missing someone, it's wondering if they're missing you too." that is so true. "I still remember the first day I met him." of course I do, it's a day I can't forget. "You're gonna fall in love so many times before you find the one you'll be with forever. So think of it this way. You're just one broken heart closer to happily ever after." true, but think of it this way he broke my heart 6 times. and I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I just want the feeling to go. "The only regret I have is that I let you change me into someone I wasn't it hurts because I can never get that back" so so so true "What do you do when the only one who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry?" idk what you can do. especially if that person no longer talks to you. One last thing "Why do I like someone who doesn't like me in return? Why do I cry over someone who didn't cry too? Why do I always think about him, if he never thought about me? Why do I always wait for him, if he has never waited for me? Why do I see him, but he doesn't see me? TELL ME WHY?"

How I feel :(

No one knows how I really Feel about you, not even my best friend. Today I realized I just can't hide it or pretend like everything is ok when it is not. NOTHING is right NOTHING! Nobody knows what the hard part is..... It's going to school everyday and seeing him and trying so hard not to breakdown right there in front of him crying my heart out. It's knowing that I gave him so much and can't take any of it back. It's knowing that I gave him everything and he gave me nothing in return. It's knowing that know matter how much I want him to be mine he will never be. He doesn't feel the same....at least that's what I think. It's knowing that we will never talk to each other again. There is so much that hurts and I haven't been able to tell anyone because I get so upset. Well no I am absolutely done with this crap I can't take it anymore. I'm done putting a smile on my face at school and acting like I am so happy when inside I'm so broken. I'm done telling people that nothing is wrong and that I am over him and have no feelings left. When really everything is wrong and I feel so much for him. I guess I can almost say I love him. Cause some people say that when you cry so much for someone it's because you love them. I have cried so much for him....so much that I can't believe I even have tears left. Everyday I see him I have to hold myself together....then when I get home I cry my heart out because of all the pain i'm in. I played the role of the girl who is happy and has nothing wrong in her life, so well that people actually believed me and bought it. Well guess what the REAL me is sad, miserable, hurt, heartbroken, damaged and has so much wrong with her life. See were complete opposites. So I am just done pretending to be someone else. I'm hurting myself because I don't know how else to deal with this anymore. I just want this pain to end and go away, but it just won't.

I won't

"I won't do what you told me I won't do what you said, no I'm not gonna stop feeling I'm not gonna forget it I don't wanna start over I don't wanna pretend that you are not my lover That you're only my friend 'Cause when you took my heart you took it all When you gave it back it feel apart so" -Colbie Calliat

Jessie James - Cry Myself To Sleep

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRI1TgnHq4Y

The Judds ~ Cry Myself to Sleep

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ma7KQarOUHs

Cuddling With You

 This poem is about cuddling
 And it is brand new
 It is written for someone
And that someone is you

We wrap our arms around each other
Like the ultimate loving hug
There is nothing better
 Than a wonderful snug

 And amidst of our cuddling
 I look into your eyes
 I see what it is you're feeling
 I'm not like other guys

And as you look back into my eyes
 You see that I am real
 I would never turn against you
I really do care how you feel

 As I look up at the clock
 The time is running late
You fall asleep in my arms
As if it were your fate

Written By: Matt Burgett

I know the Real You

People tell me that you are a player, user and are no good. The truth is they are right about that, but i don't care. I still feel the same way about you even knowing that. I have liked you for 6 months and don't intend on stop liking you. My best friend told me that you were the first guy to break my heart and there will be more, so i need to get over it. Truth is you broke my heart at least 6 times, and with all those pieces i still like you. See i would say love you cause it sounds better....but just in case my friend sees this im only gonna say like.  Everyone is always saying how your a douche an ass and all this stuff, but they don't look past that like i do. I actually look at your personality and how you act around me. My friend would probably say "he only acts like he likes you when he's around you, cause you give him what he wants". Yea thats probably true, but you are missing my point. He really is a sweet guy and i feel like you have to give him some of what he wants to make him happy. He should do something in return that will make you happy too. Which is what happened for me. I made him happy and he made me happy. I always tried telling you how i felt, but couldn't find the words to tell you.

Cry Myself To Sleep Because Of You

Ok so its been 7 weeks since we last talked and 8 weeks since we last hung out.( Tearing up as i'm writing this) We didn't have the average friendship. Me and you never spoke in public and never hung out in public. Whenever we were to hang we either had to hang in the woods or you come to my house. In November we started to hang out, I started to like you and thought you liked me too. Then as December approached things got weird between us. Whenever you asked to hang you really didn't mean "hang" you actually meant kiss/makeout. That was ok, but i would have liked to talk and get to know stuff about you. Is what always happened was we talked for a week and hung out once during that week, then for no reason at all you would avoid me for two weeks....then talk to me for a week again. That happened at least 6 times. So then January came and i got really sad cause it has been 4 weeks since you last talked to me....so i thought that was it no more doing what we did and our friendship was over. That wasn't the case because on January 13th i remember you texting me (crying right now as i'm typing) and saying "Miss you we need to hang" and i said "i miss you to and yea we do". So then we hung out that day and did stuff like we always did when we hung out. That day he came over to my house...it was the first time he came over.......FAST FORWARD>>>>>
That was a fun day and he thought so too. Then we talked for 4 days after that and then he avoided me for a good 3 weeks. Then he wanted to hang out again and by this point it was February 9th. So we hung out and did what we normally did. It was a good day cause i got to see him. Later that month he thought i was pregnant.....but i wasn't thankfully. So after that we talked maybe once or twice. And now its April 10 and he has yet to talk to me again. The very last time we talked was February 16th.