Guilty

He's making me feel guilty now. I should not feel guilty because he is the one who has been talking to however many girls. Well i mean he just talked to them he never actually hung out with any of them. He snapped at me 23 days ago and he is the one who said that's it not me. So i got over my emotional week with talking to him on the phone each and every single day. Then just last week i talked to a different guy. in the whole 7 months that was the first time i had ever talked to someone else. I'm not gonna lie me and that guy did hang out. I didn't feel like going home since it was 2am, so he said i could stay. so I stayed over. I left at 7am then so its not like it was a long time i was only there since 11pm the night before. No big deal right? I was single. Then he as in the ex started calling me babe again, which made me begin to feel guilty.  Apparently we are back together. Same thing happened around my birthday. He ended things and then a couple days later called me babe and said we are back together. I love him i really do and with the situation that we are in we have to work things out. 7 months of tears, saying i love yous, missing eachother when we are apart, fighting.....etc. and all i can say is i dont know. I just dont know anymore. The guy i hung out with was the girl who my boyfriend fucked two days before my birthdays ex. So i guess me and him are even. He took the girl and i took the guy. EVEN FUCKING STEVEN! Now he's friends with that girl on facebook again, which makes me wonder if somethings going on again. You know what i'm just at the point where i really dont give a shit. I'm going to tell the world this because like i said i dont care. he texted me last night and said "Are we going to fuck like there is no tomorrow when you come over". I laughed so hard because he is such a joke. He's talking to some other chick of which i know and then he says that to me. Like for real? He has got to be dumb. 

ME MYSELF AND I. That is all i can handle for right now. He is driving me crazy because i dont know what to think. We are together for now i guess.

I don't know anymore..

Everything that was good in my life was destroyed on september 7th. Its just i dont know what to do now. this whole situation is just horrible. I think its funny how he thinks im still playing his little game, when really hes playing mine. In the end i will be the winner because i am done getting hurt. I have a new friend and he seems really nice. I just find it funny when i told him that my new friend is that rachel girls ex he told me "oh the girl i fucked". i said most likely. Then he went and said it was in the beginning when we first met and i said nono it was two days before my birthday. He yelled at me for accusing him of doing shit with her and said he didnt when i knew damn well he did. That is now stuck in my head. I never really wanted to know he actually did something i just was making an assumption. He thinks i am to blind to see how many other people he talks to. I'm not because i know ALL of them. Each and every single one.

He always said:
You cant lie to a fucking lier
                  and
You cant play a fucking player

lol to that^

Days like this

I didnt really like when you snapped at me. I forgive you though because i love you. Talking on the phone with you for hours on end every night is one thing i look forward to when im not with you. I cant wait to come over wednesday. You like it when i answered your question last night and said "quite badly", you never heard me say that so you liked it. I messed my wrist up pretty bad so i havent been able to do much. My sister gave me clothes for the baby which is really nice of her to do. I'm still pissed off that a certain person told him that i told her i was pregnant when i sure as hell didnt because i dont even see her nor ever in my life talked to her. So yeah thats pretty funny. Like he says to everyone "Keep my name out of your mouth". My blog helps to relieve stress at the end of the day thats why i use it.

Dear Babe,

I never talk about my feelings because i always seem to get emotional. I don't know why i do, i just do. I'm either really stupid or just so in love with you. Everything that you have ever said or done i let go. I put it all behind me because i could not bring it up and risk losing you. I just don't care about it anymore. You are the only one who can stop yourself from making wrong choices and mistakes, not others. I'm always afraid of speaking up about something because one wrong thing i say and you could be gone from my life forever. You don't understand, that can't happen. You know I know the answer to that. I'm not stupid, I am just so in love with you. I love you and thats the reason i can't let anything you do get to me. I will always love you, till the day i die and even after that. You mean so much to me and i care about you so much. Lately i've been pushing myself to make sure i don't do anything to upset you or make you mad. I know that if i do i could lose you and i don't want that to happen. Please just stay with me for awhile....a long long while. You are my babe. Every time i am with you i never wanna leave because when i'm with you i feel like i've escaped the prison i've been trapped in. When i'm with you i feel free. All i need is you. I don't need friends, I...just...need...you. You complete me. Your the reason I still want to be on this planet. Can't you see, you are my guardian angel. Thats our song. Remember? You always said "I'll be your guardian angel always". I will never regret any of the choices i made this year because if i didn't make those decisions, you wouldn't exist in my life. I couldn't imagine my life any different than it is right now. When i'm with you or text you or call you, i can't stop smiling. I know there is just something so special about you, but i haven't figured it out yet. Maybe i will soon.

happy

Im happy i never have to step foot in that school again. I must have complained each and everyday how much i hated it. Nobody who i talked to last year said a word to me over the summer, so i just said "guess they weren't friends." Me just being at home doing my school work and being with my boyfriend is all i need. We have come a long way and even though we were sad last week, we pushed through it and held our heads high. He just kept repeating "i love you no matter what". That made things a little easier, but nothing could have up lifted my mood to beyond happy. As long as i have him i will be happy. He is the reason i am still on this planet because if he would have left me when we had that disagreement it would have been over. Im just taking things day by day. Live each day like its your last. You never know, you could die right now, a minute from now, an hour..etc. you just never know.

I love him. Forever and always.