I feel so much better

so last wednesday i went to the school guidance counsler and talked with the psychologist as well. i talked about s and it actually releived a lot of my pain and sadness. i feel like a much happier and bright person. Like i dont know theres just a part of me that cant be sad anymore. before i could very easily just start crying when someone mentioned something about him. now im fine. i have officially made the decision to not talk to him again since i figured out he was the main source of me being depressed and sad all the time. i used to cry myself to sleep some nights for 6 months then it started getting better when i dated JB. then me and him broke up and s started talking to me again and now he stopped again. i kinda want it to stay that way. i know before i said i wanted to be just friends with him. but im done putting myself in a depressed state and always crying and being a downer. so i changed and i changed for the better.

So goodbye S. I do not need you in my life. I feel so much better now that i talked about you and let it all out.

:)

My one friend says try something new

My friend doesnt like J.B. she hates him as a matter of fact. I can understand that. I biked to his house at night on sunday. on way home got caught by the cops because its illegal to ride a bike with NO LIGHT. at 1:31am my mom had to come pick me up. not a fun night at all. so whatever.

I like this new person we text for 5 hours ever other day. Its pretty cool. I kinda wanna ask them on a date but i can cause im grounded...
i wish i wasnt so hopefully November 8th i can. we post on eachothers ask pages which is cool.

My favorite quote and always will be

Maybe its time for me to let you go and see what happens. Lets see what happens if i dont talk to you at all after today. I wont talk about you or even think about you. I just want to see if you would talk to me.

Lets try this little test.

Making myself suffer

You may want to be with me again and as much as i want to be with you....i cant. I love you and all, but i cant date the same person for a third time. it would end this time because of me...i would end it. id make up some excuse like you did the last time. If you didnt wanna be in a relationship you could have just said that instead of making up "we dont hang out. its weird". I asked you almost every fucking weekend if you wanted to hang out. you always said you were doing something when you really werent. Sometimes we did hang, but...
you caused all of the problems. I cant be your toy. you cant make up an excuse to get rid of me and then decide you want me back. thats not how it works.
If we broke up for a real reason....then maybe i would have said yes. It's just like i love you i really do, i just cant date you again.

I need time before i can even consider it because i dont wanna be hurt again. sorry.

I love you J.B <3

p.s. I always will and you know it.

Dear J.B,

There are many things that I would like to say to you.
But I don't know how.

I like you so much. Like a lot a lot. Like If you asked me if I loved you i wouldn't even take a second to think about it, i'd just say yes. You see my feelings for you are just so strong. Some of my friends keep telling me to move on from you and find someone new. Thing is i want you. I only have this year to have you. Your a senior whos graduating in 8 months. They tell me how your no good for me and how you treat people like crap. I will say this sometimes you can be an ass and get on my nerves, but that doesn't make me hate you. If i say i hate you, i say it because im mad. I wont give up on you. Dating you over the summer was such a puzzle and it was confusing. All these people came to me telling me one thing or another. Then i asked you about it and you denied most of it. I really didnt know who to believe. You should always be able to trust your boyfriend...right? well i didnt know if i could. So i just put all that stuff to the back of my mind and focused on you. Then we became distant. You stopped texting me first. When i texted you, sometimes you didnt even respond. I felt like you were shutting me out. I remember when we didnt talk for two weeks. TWO WEEKS. i wandered if i ever crossed your mind during that time. You crossed my mind every day.

the way i feel it goes is:

You meet someone.

You two get close.

It's all great for awhile.

Then someone stops trying.

Talk less. Awkward conversations.

The drifting.

No communication whatsoever.

Memories start to fade.

Then that person you know

becomes that person you knew.

Sad isn't it.

I never mattered in your life did i? The relationship was not real right? Did you.....nevermind.