4 Months 2 Weeks Since We Last Hungout

Damn it I really miss this kid, like you have no idea.

Brucas - Missing you

Song reminds me of my situation

5 Months Exactly Today

Today marks exactly 5 months since me and him hace last hungout. Wow I really thought that just once out of all the times he drives by my house he would at least think "maybe I should say something to her". But nope he hasnt said a word to me. He doesnt even look at me. I feel so broken when I really shouldnt. Like come on its been 5 months and I am still crying at times and remembering the memories. Like yea I know I really need to move the fuck on. The pieces are started to mend though...there taking a super long time to though. I still miss him, I always will miss him.

Just Realizing What We Did Was Illegal

I just was looking up online if what we did was illegal and believe it or no it was , only because he was 18 and I was 14. Since he touched me a lot it can count as a lot of things. Even if I excepted it then Its ok if I don't now. I f I really wanted to I could turn him in to the police, but I don't want to I think. Cuz then he will hate me... I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I still am breaking down into tears a lot. Some nights I even cry myself to sleep because he just happens to pop in my mind.

The Day You Noticed Me

The first time I met you was last summer and I remember you just looked at me. I miss you looking at me. Us four spent July 4th together at dorney, which if I may say was an amazing day. The day you first texted me was November 9, 2012. I remember that day so clearly. November 10th was the first day me and you hung out. I didn't know you that well so I was really shy. I remember we kept hugging and hugging, which I love your hugs. Its such a warm embrace. You texted me all night that night which I loved.
<3

Black Nails High heels

Every heard of Black nails High heels? It means you like the dark and sharp objects. I like only dark and dangerous colors and objects like knifes, glass shards, shit like that.  Only do dangerous stuff at night folks.
Bitches are back and ready to play.

Screwed Up Part

I devoted 5 months of my life to him....and now I've been trying to let go for almost 5 months. When will it end. I'm tired in drowning myself in tears. I am so shocked that I even have tears left to cry because I cried so damn much. My heart hurts more now than ever. The time I cry most is at night when no one can hear me. It's the kind of cry where you have the urge to scream and you have to hold your stomach because you begin to feel sick. The cry where you feel your heart in your throat. It's a sad way to cry.

"Sometimes We Only Care About The Memories and Not The Actual Person"

I don't believe that. I could care less about the memories. All I care about is him and how he's doing. How he feels. Like is he happy, sad, hurt, miserable...what. I cared about his feelings. I didn't just care about him because of what he gave me. He made me feel safe and protected.
He was like my knight in shining armor.
A knight has a shield to protect.
I felt protected and for once I actually felt wanted by someone.
The feeling that you may actually be special and not worthless is amazing. I always felt worthless, but not once I met him. I actually felt like somebody.

4 months 2 days

Its been 4 months and 2 days since we last talked. Damn you really aren't gonna talk to me again. I really thought you would talk to me....Come on please? I miss you. You can't say that you haven't even thought about me once, like come on. You had to..right? Why can't you just give me a sign or something to show me that you at least cared about me once. please. I have always cared about you.

4 Months 2 weeks

It will be 4 months 2 weeks since the last time we hung out saturday. You know how long that is....thats long. Guess what? I'm still trying to forget about you and erase all the feeling that I have for you. Its been 4 fucking months! Did you not listen to what I just said? I've been trying to forget about you for 4 fucking months almost 5. You know that is crazy right? Well it is. I've pushed and pushed myself to move on so many times, but like people always say "No matter how hard you try to forget the past, you can't." I really am beginning to think thats true. I still can remember each time we hung out day and detail by detail. I can even remember the things you said. Crazy huh? Well yea thats because I can't shake the feelings I have for you. You seemed to be glued to my head. But seriously 4 months bro. And I'm still trying....

Why is it so hard to let go?

Why can't I let go of him just why? I don't understand why I cant move on. It's not like hes the first person who broke my heart. Many guys did. He broke my heart 6 times and each time I took him back.
Why can't I move on.....
I'm dieing inside like really dying inside. My heart is broken has nails going through it and flames spreading all around it.

Can you just say you miss me too?

Please can you just say you miss me too. Thats all I want to hear right now. I don't want a hug, a kiss or anything like that. All I want is for you to say you miss me too. I need you back in my life, please. You would  put a real smile on my face. I miss you.

The Train....

Yea I did something really stupid on thursday. I decided to stand in front of a train for as long as I could. Welp the train got 200ft away from me, which was really close and then I moved. This old guy was watching me as well as 5 of my classmates. Then I went to hang out with my friend and I told him. He said "Your not suicidal right?" and I answered no. Truth be told I would have stood in front of that train much longer....only change would have been is that I'd be looking away with my eyes closed. But I didn't tell him that because then he'd never talk to me again probably. Anyways he said if a train comes he would pull me away from it and I said why I had fun doing that. I just don't feel protected anymore and I dont know why.

Getting Over Him

My friends who actually dated him got over him in just a little bit....ive been trying to move on for 4 months now. yea 4 months. I have never felt so sad and depressed ever. The funny thing is, is that anywhere I go I put on a happy face and pretend that I'm happy, when really I am not.

Missing You Like Crazy

Sometimes at night,
when I lay down to sleep,
I embrace myself,
I start to think ...
Then I imagine
that you lie beside me ...
hugs and kisses
all over my body.
I wish you
could really be here,
just to whisper,
"I love you," in my ear.
I would turn around and say,
"I love you, too."
But will it ever be true?
So I turn around
and I wonder some more,
still wanting your embrace,
so I close my eyes and picture your face.
I fall asleep dreaming of you.
In my dream it seems so true.
It's as if I can really feel
your kisses against my lips ...
Then my eyes pop open
and you're nowhere to be seen,
And I feel so lonely
once AGAIN !!!

Author: Alice Garcia

I Miss You

I miss you at night as I gaze upon the stars
I miss you during the day as clouds cover my sun
I miss you and want to hold you in my arms
I miss you so much, my dear, I feel no more fun.
I miss your smile, your joy, your lips
I wish you would be here, my loneliness grips.

My mind is traveling to far places seeking your beauty
My heart beating faster and faster with your memory
My being fading its joy, my eyes all teary.
My days are going by so slowly, oh so slowly
This painful longing penetrates my heart deeply
My soul cries out for you more and more strongly.
You are my dear love, my life, my everything
Yearning the day to be together once more
For that day to be here now I'd give anything
Don't ever leave me again, sweetie, you I implore.

Goodbye and Letting Go

There is a difference between GOODBYE and LETTING GO. GOODBYE means "I'll see you again when I am ready to to hold your hand and you are ready to hold mine." while.. LETTING GO means "I'll miss your hand. I realized it's not mine to hold. And I will never hold it again."

I chose Goodbye, so that there is hope of you being in my life again.

Graduation Day....

Welp today is his day to graduate. Today is the day. I will never again see him at school or really anywhere. I'll only see his car or see him if I'm at his friends house. I know for a fact that he isn't reading any of my blog entries so therefore it doesn't matter if I say his name. I really miss him and I don't want to forget him ever. He cheated on his girlfriend and she dumped him on his graduation day.
Welp everyone the mystery guys name is....
I just can't say.....

Dear Best friend,

Ok well you told me june 3 that you are tired of me talking about him. And you said you dont care. Ok well listen to me when I say this because after this I am done. The only way I can let my feelings out is either to cry or talk about him. I dont wanna cry all day at school so I just talk about him. You either except it or you dont. And you apparently dont. Is what you dont understand is that I have tried so many times to move the fuck on and I just cant. Its been done between me and him for 4 months now.Ok. Just look at me. I'm still a mess after 4 months. Theres no point in torturing myself to move on from him.I get that he will never come back to me again, like i get that. I understand that he will never talk to me again. I get that after he graduates sunday I will more than likely never see him again. But i dont know why I just cant let the feelings go.
So here it.
You can either except the fact I talk about him or walk the fuck away.
Because I am done.

Sorry.

Dear S,

Nobody really know how much I miss you. You don't even know. It hurts me to know that we will never be what we once were. We will never be what I want us to be. I miss you and I hope that even the smallest space in your heart has my name on it. And that there is a chance you care about me too.