What I want

I know exactly what I want. I will do everything if not anything in my power to make it happen. I want the one guy who makes me feel so happy who puts a smile on my face everytime I see him. The guy who acts himself and not what people want him to. The guy I can be open with about anything because I trust him. That's one thing that is hard for me to say. But it's true I do trust him. He fills my heart with happiness. My heart healed because of him. He picked up the pieces and mended them together and I thank him for that. This is because I love him.

It's time.

I finally think its time to shut S out of my life. I just told people before that I stopped talking to him to get them of my back even though I still was talking to him. I've been talking to him today even.The things we talked about made me really think and realize I can do a lot better than him and I deserve better. I thought I wanted the same things he wanted but really we want two totally different things. I wanna settle down and get into a relationship while he just wants a girl to fuck and get action whenever he wants. He needs to know that you don't always get what you want. I've come to realize you have to work for what you want because if you don't you never know if it can happen or not. So I'm finally pushing him away and out of my life cause I don't need him. He made me miserable and I just dot need that again. JB fixed that. Now I'm gonna follow what I want because I know exactly what I want

Exactly what I'm gonna say to him

It sucks but it true

I could fill a thousand pages of how I felt and you would still Not understand.

Caring about people who don't deserve it

I care too much for the wrong people....

Pushing myself farther than the limit..,

 I'm pushing so hard for this to happen. All I want is to have him ask me out on the same day he did last year which is December 7th...... That's in 9 days. How am I supposed to make that happen if he won't listen to how I feel. I need him to understand how I feel about him and get him to listen. But I have 9 days..... That's not much time. If this could happen I would be the happiest person ever.I could say "I love you and merry christmas" I want him to know how much I care. When he's mad at me I cry and try so hard to make things right because I don't want to lose him. I lost him once because I pushed him away and I just can't go through losing him again. I want him to stay. After this year I won't see him because he graduates.

Help me.like I do not have any idea how to do this.

Dear JB,

I just wish you could listen to me and let me explain how I feel. The guy I knew over the summer I fell for and said I love you. Don't you see I love you still. Nothing you say or do can change that. Don't you care? You should try keeping people in your life you care about you and not the people who don't. I care so why are you pushing me away. Do you not want me in your life? Not even as a friend. I love being your friend and hanging with you and just being around you. When I'm with you there is always a smile on my face. Don't you see how happy you make me. You can't tell me that you don't care not one bit about me you just can't.

Seriously

He honestly is an apathetic person who is inattentive to anything I have to say. All I'm asking is for him to listen to me and that's not asking much. He doesn't care he even said so himself.

Way to make me cry

Way to make me cry. Do you have anything better to do than to make me upset and miserable. Like why can't you be that guy that I liked last December when we dated. Or what about the guy I fell in love with over the summer. Do you not care about what I feel or anything. I fucking like you and all you can say is "I don't care about anything I don't care about you or anybody". 

Why can't you just listen to me. That's not asking for much

He always told me

"It's what you want not what they want"

I need to start listening to that. Because if they want me to be over him I don't have to listen. People told me to breakup with his and I did...which was a mistake.

Quotes

When I write quotes its because I'm upset and need ways to express it other than physically. So I write. Writing quotes and then hanging them all over my doors or room makes me remember why I was upset. I look at that quote and remember and it helps to forget. 

Why I feel this..idk

I wanna thank you

Dear best friend,

I just wanna say thank you. If it wasn't for you telling me about that guy I would have never friend requested him on Facebook. If I didn't friend request him on Facebook I wouldn't have talked to him and dated him. Because I wouldn't have even known he existed. So thank you. Thank you for bringing him into my life. I know you may think he made my life miserable and awful for some of the things he's done but I still love him. Anyways you have know idea how much I appreciate you telling me about that guy. Cause he was perfect. 

So true

Feelings

Everyone has feelings whether they are good or bad you have them. I should hate this person and be mad at them but because of my feelings for him it makes it impossible for me to hate him. Nobody and I mean nobody not even my best friend understands the feelings I have for him. There are to detailed and strong. I want to tell her but you just wouldn't understand. The feelings I have for this guy are remarkable because of all I went through with him and I still have feelings.

"It's Better to let go with a smile than to hold on with tears"

Reading old Facebook messages

Back in December of last year when I was talking to JB he was already trying to get back together 3 days after we broke up. He was saying anything if not everything to try and win my heart over and get me back. He still said "ur mine" even when we weren't dating. He tried for months to get me back but I was just so stupid and a complete idiot to not notice how hard he was trying to get me back. I should have to my chances back then and no have cared about what anybody said like he said "it's what you want not what they want". I should have done what my heart wanted from day one but I didn't. And now look I'm laying in bed crying about everything involving him wishing I could call him mine. That will never happen again because I texted him and told him "to make you happy I am over you ok." It was a lie. I could never be over him because I've come so far and have developed such strong  deep feelings for him that won't go away. I should move on and let go but I just can't. I love him.

Crying

Everyone cries at some point. You cry over people who you care about. People cry to relieve the pain they had bottled up inside them. There are tears hiding in your eyes waiting to the time to fall. When you hit your breaking point and can't keep them hidden anymore the tears fall one by one. Falling slowing down the sides of your cheeks and before you know it there's flowing like a river. Have you felt like you cried the worst you ever had. Well maybe but not like this...

Remember when...

Last summer (2012) my friend told me about how this guy kept talking to her on Facebook and it was really creepy. She said he wasn't even cute. Then this one guy started talking to me. Turned out to be the same guy. He was hitting on me and saying some really sweet things. We got married on facebook and my friend was surprised. Then school started and he came up to me the first time and I was really shy but that's my normal self. He started Meeting me after my one class and always hugged me. he even walked me out to the buses at the end of the day and hugged me.Then 3 months past an it was December and we were close by this point. My friend couldn't believe I was still talking to him. Then one night Friday I remember, he said I wanna ask you out and I said ok. He said should I now or wait till Monday so he could ask me in person. I said now and he asked me out over Facebook and then sent me the request. I was happy. I was thinking of what I could get him for Christmas and we were always so flirty. But then everyone at school kept saying "eww why are you dating him he's ugly and saying some rude things" these things made me breakup with him Monday. 4 days.... I remember that day so clearly too. I just deleted the relationship off of Facebook. He texted me and said "so we're over" I said yea but like I said I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship and we need to know eachother more.He was mad. I was upset because I broke up with a guy who treated me well just because of what people said.

Get ready for it people. This guy was JB. 

Sad day.

Now I have to go to school and see his face and try my hardest to keep my self together. It feels like this is gonna be a repeat of how I felt to S. now the same depressing feelings are gonna come and I'll be miserable. It's just me personally. When I care so much about one individual I go my all to make things right with that person even if they are the one who made the mistake. I just try to make it all better so we can be happy again. But S he just woke up one morning and decided not to talk to me anymore.... I went through 6 months of hell crying every night not wanting to do anything because I was always trying to hold the tears back in public. Do you really think I wanna go through that again?no I don't. But I need to change my ways because I changed to fit all his wants and needs and I shouldn't have to do that. 

Things I must do

-delete his number

-move on

-forget people who don't deserve to be remembered

- cry a little

-pick myself up and smile

Goodbye and hello trains again..

Unconditionally

Acceptance is the key to be truly free.

I don't understand anything

I just can't understand how you can feel like you really like someone and tell them and they have nothing to say. I never asked for much all I wanted was a word or two. Anything really. It didn't matter as long as it came from him I was happy. This year just started three months ago and I already want it to be over because it has been nothing but hell for me. Because the day before the first day of school he broke up with me. So yeah  it has been nothing but hell. My ways have changed into something bad that I wish It didn't. It just went downhill well everything is. I wanna be happy but everytime I get my hopes up something or someone always has to ruin in

JB part 2...

so yeah i said i still loved him and i really meant it. I always said i will love him forever and always and he will be in my life forever. 

:'(

but its time to move on and let go of him. thats something i thought i could never do since i tried it before but it never worked.but i have no choice this time i have to. its whats best for me. i cant stand the feeling of being hurt by him anymore or being upset about him and crying. that shouldnt happen. if someone cared about you for real then you shouldnt cry right? thats what i thought. im just not gonna talk to him for a long long long while. i need to forget all the feelings i have for him. and as much as i love him it all has to fade away. how can you forget someone you love so much. i know he doesnt feel the same even though i wish he did. i'll be waiting for you whenever your ready to show me you want me.

"It's painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go...but more painful to ask someone to stay when you know they want to leave.."

I love You but Goodbye.

JB

"I love him, but I canot show him, I want him, but he cannot know it, I need him, but I know it will never be again, if only he needed me."


There is so much to say about him. He is my ex. We still flirt though. We still hangout. We kiss occasionally. Why can't we be in a relationship again though....thats what i wanna know. I don't care how any of my friends feel about him because none of that matters. The only thing that matters is how i feel about him. I still love him always will. I still have deep feelings for him. If i didn't then i wouldnt be doing the things i do with him."Everyone keeps telling me how he feels. They say that he doesn't care, but he's never shown me he didn't. They say that he doesn't love me, but he never said he didn't. Everyone keeps telling me who he is. They say he's a player. They say he's no good. But yet, I'm the only one who sees something different in him & nobody understands why. I'm the only one who can look in his eyes & know there is hope." Hope of us being together again. I want it so badly. I want it more than i should.

"Is he really a good guy you think, maybe he is, maybe he isnt. Only one person can answer that and that is you yourself"