well as everyone knows back in march i was a complete train wreck. I couldn't do anything without it having something to do with Sebastian. He pretty much fricked my life up for about 7 months. Trust me when I say it that seven months would've eventually dragged on longer if he wouldn't have woke up.On February 18th he just woke up I guess and decided that after that day he was never going to talk to me again. Not knowing that was going to officially be the last day I ever heard from him I talked to him normally. As 3 weeks went by I thought ok maybe these were the two weeks he doesn't talk to me because that was normal. He would talk to me for a week then not talk to me for two weeks. At this point I was kinda used to it because he had been using that routine for the past 3 months. I knew something was weird when I hit 1 month. 1 month something had to be up I thought. I tried messaging him on facebook once during that time and he just never responded. It showed that he saw my message.. At that point I start freaking out. On March 3 he posted on facebook "all facebook ever is drama,bullshit,fakepeople,2faced,imatureekids. #wack" after I read that the page refreshed... It didn't show up anymore and neither did his profile....He had blocked me. I broke down crying because I don't know what I possibly could have done wrong to deserve to be treated this way. At that point I made the conclusion that February was indead the last day he would ever talk to me. That made me upset. Like from that day on I pretty much cried myself to sleep. Thats something I don't really like sharing, but it's the truth. I just kept thinking day after day after day just maybe he would unblock me or even text me, but nope. 3 months went by and still no sign of him appearing back in my life again. I did some crazy things because I was just so upset and depressed. I took things I shouldn't have taken knowing I could die or be permanently harmed. I tried doing things I shouldn't have. I even attempted this one thing because I just couldn't take it anymore and was just done. done with life. I made a video explaining my story and saying goodbye to everyone i loved. if you didn't put two and two together i tried committing. I don't share that and never have. I went so far too. All I had to do was kick and done. that would have been it. i don't think i was really suicidal then, but i just was so depressed and really couldn't take it anymore. Everyday I had to go to school with him and everyday I had to see him. Looking at his face without crying was the absolute hardest thing I ever had to do. Half the time when I saw him and I was with my friend I was crying. I don't like to cry because then I look like a softy, but I actually am. I cry easily. The one day he was at his friends locker and I just lost it because I couldn't keep it bottled in anymore. I hated that feeling. the feeling like you want to cry all the time. 4 months go by and on my birthday he decides to get into a relationship with my friends best friend. That made me even more depressed and upset. That was when I started going to sleep at 6 maybe 7 because I just wanted to cry. I didn't know that i'd be up until 10 or 11 o'clock crying my eyes out. I thought that my eyes would be dry as a desert because I cried so much. But nope because there was always more and more tears each time I cried instead of less and less. The more he didn't talk to me the worse it got. the worse I got actually. 4 1/2 months go by. I'm still crying and still doing things I shouldn't be doing. By this point my best friend was absolutely sick of me crying and being upset about it. she was sick of me always talking about him. She probably thought I couldn't tell she was getting annoyed by it..Well little did she know I knew she was getting annoyed after 3 months had passed. I just didn't tell her I knew it because I just needed someone there I could talk to and who I need cared about me. I feel bad that she had to put up with me, but I appreciate it more than she could ever know.Once 5 1/2 months passed I was an absolute mess. I didn't care about anything or anybody. I could care less about school, grades, family, pets, friends, life, just about anything. All I wanted was for him to come back in my life. Every time I went to this fountain I always threw a penny in and wished the same thing over and over and over again. Sometimes I wished for something else but mostly for this one thing. That was for Sebastian to talk to me again. I would do anything for that to happen. Even though I was in a relationship in July I still kept making that wish because I wanted it to come true more than anything. I mean I loved my boyfriend with all my heart, but there was still a missing piece that was waiting to be filled. Me and my boyfriend lasted seven weeks or right up until school started so August 25th. I was upset again. He made me keep my mind of of Sebastian for seven weeks, which is what I really needed. I needed a new subject to focus on and Joey was it. But after we broke up everything was falling all over again. I just needed to be picked up. Then after 7 months of being a train wreck, depressed and just miserable Sebastian was back in my life. On August 31st I got a friend request on facebook. I didn't think it would be him considering we hadn't talked in 7 months. When I clicked to see who it was and it was him I was in tears because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I didn't believe it. It took me about 5 minutes to process it. It was real he did send me a request and I excepted it. As soon as I clicked except not even a minute later I got a message from him saying hi. That was the happiest day. All the wishing and throwing pennies in the fountain actually worked. Ever since that day we have been talking and I couldn't be happier. I don't have high standards this time. This time I'm not looking to be in a relationship or be buddies or anything like that. All I want is for us to be friends like actual friends. It doesn't even matter if we don't hangout at all. I just want him to talk to me and have conversations with me. I have been very careful too because I don't want to bring drama into his life. I try not to make him mad or pissed. I do all this and more because I just don't wanna lose him again. I can't lose him again. I can't. If I do everyone will lose me because I just will give up and not care about anything. I don't wanna go through what I went through last time because that was hell. This time I am making sure it is different and I hope he realizes I've changed. I've changed for the better because I don't want to jeopardize anything between us. I have not once thought about doing any drastic moves that would be to harm or life endangering.
The Undefined Life suites this perfectly.
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