second cousin

Is it weird to like them. I mean like have a crush on them. I know it sounds weird, but there not my cousin cousin they my cousins kids. I feel weird about it but they are just adorbs. I like older guys who are like 17,18,19,20 no older than that. i'm gonna be 16 in a couple months. he's19. hes a navy diver which I think is pretty darn cool. he's cute. I may be the same height or even an inch taller, but that's ok. im tryna get a picture with him but im waiting till tonight. Its funny because everytime he talks to me or tickles me I smile and then when my dad looks at me I have a mad face. oh wow I almost said his name woo. that was close. haha well he turns 20 in april. I have his number now so I can talk to him.

Dreams.

the thing about dreams is that they can only come true if you make an effort to make them real. like for instance I had a dream that my ex would come into my life again and with a bit of pushing and getting close it happened. Then one time I dreamed that all my wishes would come true and so far not all of them have. I wish the ones I want most to come true and that is where dreaming comes in.

Christmas Morning Ruined.

Thanks to him he ruined my morning. If only he could have just said something nice. Well to try and make my day better im going to go see a movie while im visiting in Orlando, florida. I want at least one good thing to come from this day. It's Christmas its not supposed to suck its supposed to rock. So I just hope it goes well.

Why can't you just respect me

I take the time to say Merry Christmas to you and instead of you saying it back you say "k thanks bye". Like really what did I ever do to you? Nothing absolutely nothing. I expect to be treated in the same way I treat you. I respect you and I don't say things that would hurt you, but you could care less. It doesn't matter if I die or am in the hospital you could care less. I just want to have you care even if its a little bit.  How would you feel if I didn't respect you? I don't think you would like it very much cause you would be wondering the same thing as to why I am not showing you some respect. If you want respect from me then you better show some respect to me. even when you get on my nerves I still care about you because you are my friend. Or should I say I feel like you are my friend. I don't really know how you think of me. You are 19 years old for fucks sake act like it. You act like some immature high school kid who doesn't know where he's going in life. Oh wait that's right you probably don't know where your going in life so that description fits you perfectly. We have been through hell and back many times, but we can fix those issues. You shut me out of your life completely for 7 months and if you really wanted me out of your life then you wouldn't have talked to me when you did. Think about that for a minute. You must have thought about me and wanted me back in your life. Whether it was for a good or bad reason. I think you just try and start fights between us like I honestly do. We talk and its fine then you stop talking to me and then when I try contacting you, your mad or pissed at me. Why? that's all I wanna know is why. did someone say something about me? did someone say I talk shit about you? whatever it is its not true. I barely bring you up in any of my conversations anymore because I am trying to keep drama out of your life. so when you ask me why I'm talking about you or why people are asking you who I am and I say I don't know, why do you think that is? its because I have no idea about what you are saying. I wouldn't know why people say that maybe its just because they want you to get pissed at me I really don't know. sometimes its the little things that tick you off and i'm sorry about that. I wish you could just tell me what people are saying so I can figure out how to fix things between us. I want us to be friends for a long time I don't know how you feel about that. I think if we just work at it and try now to pick fights then we would be ok. you know what I am trying to say? If you read this I want you to know that you messed me up since February. like I was a complete train wreck I just wish you knew what I was going through. You made me feel like complete shit. I was depressed and it was all because of you. how can you wake up one morning and just decide your never going to talk to somebody ever again. I could never do that because I know how fucked up that it.


to the guy who creates drama. peace.

think before you act

you should always think about what you wanna do or say before you do it. if you end up saying the wrong thing then there may or may not be consequences. if you think you may make the appropriate move rather than the bad move.

What he means to me

He means so much to me, like to the moon and back. He means so much even when he doesn't listen to me or shows he cares. I love the kid. I dont know what more I can do to show him it. I've tried everything I can think of. I just don't think he understands that I still freaking care a lot about him. I care so much its unbelievable. There is just no way im letting this kid go. Well i mean the only way i will let him go is if he straight out says to me "I dont care about you and dont want you". I get that i should try meeting new people but it doesnt matter how close i get to someone else i will always have him in my mind. I think if he truly listened to me and heard me out he would understand. But until that day happens i dont know what more i can do. i try being close and friendly with him and then hes a jerk. its almost as if hes trying to piss me off so i leave but i dont know. I wanna know how he feels..Maybe thats all i need. maybe after i know how he feels i can either keep trying or move on. knowing how he feels is something i would love to know....
if he felt the same i would keep trying to get back with him and just get close with him. i mean we already laugh with eachother at school. we talk to eachother, its not like we are strangers. i would go further than my limit past my extent and go all out to win his heart over. i really never thought about it like that. i guess ive just been trying to get him back. When i really should be trying to win his heart over right? if i win his heart over that will prove so much to him and then maybe just maybe he will finally open up. Now winning someones heart over isnt as easy as 1,2,3.

Winning his heart over again

1. Be honest about your motives. Being manipulative will not win back your guy. When you talk to him, be direct and honest, letting him know that you’re still interested in him and want to get back together.
2. Avoid being pushy or overbearing. Even if you feel a sense of urgency, calling your guy repeatedly, showing up at his work or home, or sending him multiple emails or text messages may push him away.
3. Give him time to process the situation. If you recently broke up, give your guy time to think things over before approaching him again. Time and distance may also make him realize that he misses having you in his life.
4. Have solutions and ideas ready when you approach him. You will have better luck winning back your man if you have ideas about how to make things better the second time around.
5. Respect his feelings. If your guy tells you that he is not interested or asks for time to think things over, give him his space and don’t approach the issue again until you are certain he’s ready to talk.
6. Try casual dating before jumping back into a serious relationship. Before you commit to a serious relationship again, make sure that both you and your guy are ready to revive your romance.

1. Keep a distance after the breakup. Men like to be hunters. They don't want a woman to constantly be seeking them and being clingy, especially after a breakup. Keeping your distance after being dumped gives you time to evaluate the relationship, and it gives him time to wonder if he made a mistake by letting you go.
2. Work on yourself, for yourself. Everyone has vices they wish they could change. Maybe you have a hard time trusting people; maybe you don't communicate as well as you'd like. Whatever the changes are, make sure you do them for yourself, not because your ex wishes that you were different. In the end, these changes will make you feel better about yourself and will make him notice your new level of confidence.
3. take up a new hobby. This step has two advantages. The first is that it will keep your mind off of the breakup and help lift your spirits. The second is that it will show your ex that you can be okay without him. If he knows that you're fine (maybe even better than fine) without him, he'll wonder why he ever dumped you in the first place and will be more likely to want you back.
4. Communicate openly with him when the time is right. When you have both had an adequate amount of time to let the breakup sink in and evaluate your relationship, have an open conversation with him about your desire to get back together. discuss why he left you in the first place and if it is something the two of you can work on. Be honest but not needy.

Memories

These are the things that hurt the most. Even if it was once something good and it no longer exists. Memories are the things you remember,but no longer live. I have more sad memories and happy. Ever since high school started I have pretty much had one bad memory after another. Weird thing is these memories always involved guys. Guys were and still are a major part of my hurt. This one guy who liked me last year had been trying to bring me back into their life for months and I just kept pushing them further and further away. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. Then I realized that I actually care for them and started trying to get close with them again. I needed to get close with them again. I remember everything he used to say to me to get me back. Those were good memories that I wished stayed around....

The Undefined suits me well

I don't know exactly where life will take me, but I intend on staying and finding out. Life is about making mistakes and taking chancing and along the way something good will come out of it. Sometimes I make wrong choices and it ends good and then there are other times where it ends bad. From those experiences I have learned a lot, I may not always listen to what I've learned but I think about it.

The thing nobody knows about me.

well as everyone knows back in march i was a complete train wreck. I couldn't do anything without it having something to do with Sebastian. He pretty much fricked my life up for about 7 months. Trust me when I say it that seven months would've eventually dragged on longer if he wouldn't have woke up.On February 18th he just woke up I guess and decided that after that day he was never going to talk to me again. Not knowing that was going to officially be the last day I ever heard from him I talked to him normally. As 3 weeks went by I thought ok maybe these were the two weeks he doesn't talk to me because that was normal. He would talk to me for a week then not talk to me for two weeks. At this point I was kinda used to it because he had been using that routine for the past 3 months. I knew something was weird when I hit 1 month. 1 month something had to be up I thought. I tried messaging him on facebook once during that time and he just never responded. It showed that he saw my message.. At that point I start freaking out. On March 3 he posted on facebook "all facebook ever is drama,bullshit,fakepeople,2faced,imatureekids. #wack" after I read that the page refreshed... It didn't show up anymore and neither did his profile....He had blocked me. I broke down crying because I don't know what I possibly could have done wrong to deserve to be treated this way. At that point I made the conclusion that February was indead the last day he would ever talk to me. That made me upset. Like from that day on I pretty much cried myself to sleep. Thats something I don't really like sharing, but it's the truth. I just kept thinking day after day after day just maybe he would unblock me or even text me, but nope. 3 months went by and still no sign of him appearing back in my life again. I did some crazy things because I was just so upset and depressed. I took things I shouldn't have taken knowing I could die or be permanently harmed. I tried doing things I shouldn't have. I even attempted this one thing because I just couldn't take it anymore and was just done. done with life. I made a video explaining my story and saying goodbye to everyone i loved. if you didn't put two and two together i tried committing. I don't share that and never have. I went so far too. All I had to do was kick and done. that would have been it. i don't think i was really suicidal then, but i just was so depressed and really couldn't take it anymore. Everyday I had to go to school with him and everyday I had to see him. Looking at his face without crying was the absolute hardest thing I ever had to do. Half the time when I saw him and I was with my friend I was crying. I don't like to cry because then I look like a softy, but I actually am. I cry easily. The one day he was at his friends locker and I just lost it because I couldn't keep it bottled in anymore. I hated that feeling. the feeling like you want to cry all the time. 4 months go by and on my birthday he decides to get into a relationship with my friends best friend. That made me even more depressed and upset. That was when I started going to sleep at 6 maybe 7 because I just wanted to cry. I didn't know that i'd be up until 10 or 11 o'clock crying my eyes out. I thought that my eyes would be dry as a desert because I cried so much. But nope because there was always more and more tears each time I cried instead of less and less. The more he didn't talk to me the worse it got. the worse I got actually. 4 1/2 months go by. I'm still crying and still doing things I shouldn't be doing. By this point my best friend was absolutely sick of me crying and being upset about it. she was sick of me always talking about him. She probably thought I couldn't tell she was getting annoyed by it..Well little did she know I knew she was getting annoyed after 3 months had passed. I just didn't tell her I knew it because I just needed someone there I could talk to and who I need cared about me. I feel bad that she had to put up with me, but I appreciate it more than she could ever know.Once 5 1/2 months passed I was an absolute mess. I didn't care about anything or anybody. I could care less about school, grades, family, pets, friends, life, just about anything. All I wanted was for him to come back in my life. Every time I went to this fountain I always threw a penny in and wished the same thing over and over and over again. Sometimes I wished for something else but mostly for this one thing. That was for Sebastian to talk to me again. I would do anything for that to happen. Even though I was in a relationship in July I still kept making that wish because I wanted it to come true more than anything. I mean I loved my boyfriend with all my heart, but there was still a missing piece that was waiting to be filled. Me and my boyfriend lasted seven weeks or right up until school started so August 25th. I was upset again. He made me keep my mind of of Sebastian for seven weeks, which is what I really needed. I needed a new subject to focus on and Joey was it. But after we broke up everything was falling all over again. I just needed to be picked up. Then after 7 months of being a train wreck, depressed and just miserable Sebastian was back in my life. On August 31st I got a friend request on facebook. I didn't think it would be him considering we hadn't talked in 7 months. When I clicked to see who it was and it was him I was in tears because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I didn't believe it. It took me about 5 minutes to process it. It was real he did send me a request and I excepted it. As soon as I clicked except not even a minute later I got a message from him saying hi. That was the happiest day. All the wishing and throwing pennies in the fountain actually worked. Ever since that day we have been talking and I couldn't be happier. I don't have high standards this time. This time I'm not looking to be in a relationship or be buddies or anything like that. All I want is for us to be friends like actual friends. It doesn't even matter if we don't hangout at all. I just want him to talk to me and have conversations with me. I have been very careful too because I don't want to bring drama into his life. I try not to make him mad or pissed. I do all this and more because I just don't wanna lose him again. I can't lose him again. I can't. If I do everyone will lose me because I just will give up and not care about anything. I don't wanna go through what I went through last time because that was hell. This time I am making sure it is different and I hope he realizes I've changed. I've changed for the better because I don't want to jeopardize anything between us. I have not once thought about doing any drastic moves that would be to harm or life endangering.

The Undefined Life suites this perfectly.

Feel A Bit Of Badness Building Up

I love how nobody knows I'm still talking to this one person. I'm actually kinda happy I still am because I think if I wasn't I would not be at the stage im at now. I could care less about being in a relationship with them anymore. I used to be determined to get in a relationship with them, but that doesn't matter anymore. All I care about is them talking to me. Thats all I want is for them to keep talking to me. It doesn't matter if we don't hang out or anything like that, Talking is fine. We aren't true friends obviously but it doesn't matter cause we would never hang out anyways. I'm happy we still talk though cause your cool. I guess you could say I still find him cute,but nothing more than that. We are friends but nobody else knows. I wanna try to keep all the drama out of there life. See I am a nice person. Yes I do care to much for the people who don't deserve it.

He's Still My Favorite

Everyone should know that JB is Joey. Joey is the guy that I fell for over the summer and said I love you too. He is just this sweet guy who is very special to me. I used to think I don't want him in my life because I'm better off without him. People say I deserve much better than him and how he treated me. Yeah I get that he was mean and rude to me sometimes, but it's ok. He's just being him and I wouldn't want him to change for me or anyone. I love him just the way he is. Even though he does K me sometimes which makes me a little mad. There are some days where he can be the nicest and most sweetest person and then there are days where he can be a straight up dick. No matter how he acts he is perfect. There will always be a spot for him in my heart whether he want to fill it or not. He knows I still love him now and I really don't know how he feels about it.

Why do I still love You

Everything’s so silent
I can’t hear a voice
So many feelings
I don’t have a choice

Crying so softly
So I can’t be heard
Everything’s so confusing
Every little word

So many nights
Where I can’t sleep
Dreaming of how much
You mean to me

Asking myself
Is this how I feel
Closing my eyes
On everything real

Wishing and praying
Wanting to know
Why I care for you
Why can’t I let go?

Eyes filled with the tears
Heart filled with the fears
Mind so confused
Why do I still love you?

Everyone’s told me
I can’t feel this way
You told me goodbye
Yet I need you to stay

Standing in place
For such a long time
I can’t figure out
Why I want you to be mine

You’ve broken my heart
And left me to cry
I feel so useless
But I can’t say goodbye

by Kali

Don't know what to do..

2 Days ago I made a promise to this guy that he won't lose me to any other guy until he's ready to be in another relationship. Then unexpectedly the guy I hadn't talked to in over 10 days decided to text me. I wasn't even thinking about him before friday because I didn't wanna be sad and mad. I used to think about this quote "I'm glad I had the chance to meet him, but now I'm glad I can move on and forget him. I wish it didn't have to end this way, but he's  damaging my heart, which is not ok." I don't know if he heard me that day or not but when I said "this guy told me this last year and I haven't really listened to it and I think I should. He said It's what you want not what they want" weird thing is I still am not listening to that. I still am listening to what my friends say. I try following my heart but I feel like my heart takes me in the wrong direction because I always get hurt when I follow it. I can honestly say my friend was right about me caring to much about people who don't deserve it. She also was right when she said if he couldn't listen to me then that's a sign he's just not worth it. When she was with me over the summer and my relationship was on the verge of ending I did anything I could possibly do to fix it and make it better. We were 7 blocks from his house and I knew I needed to get there to straighten things out so I ran the entire way because I did not want to lose him. I was a wreck for 7 months and then he brightened my day and made me happy again. Even when people told me he cheated on me I listened to his explanation and made things work. I gave him chances because I wanted the relationship to last and not break. I knew that if it broke I would be a wreck again. Then the day he called me and said "I love you" I was really happy. When you love someone truly you will go out of your way and further than your limit to make things work. Even though my friends say I deserve better and he is just an ass, I still love him. That is one thing that won't change. I get he can be mean and not caring at times, but that is just him. I don't want him to change for me or for anyone. I fell for him because he is himself and not what others want him to be. My friends don't get that this is how he has always been. If you excepted him in the summer why don't you now? He is the same person he was then that he is now. He has always been the same person. I don't want him to change because I fell for the guy he is now not who he would be if he changed. You can say I'm sticking up for him I honestly don't care. You saw how happy I was in July and how I acted when he would talk to me, so you can't say he didn't make me happy. At times yeah he made me mad and upset, but all relationships even marriage you have fights. It's no different. So why talk about my relationship. I can honestly say if he cheated he cheated, but my heart tells me he didn't. If he did you think I would have stayed with him for 7 weeks no I would have broken up with him that same day. I am running after him because I love him. If you can't understand that then I don't know how to make you understand how I feel and what I want. There is so much that went on this summer and so many feelings. He acts like he doesn't care, but do you know that for sure?? Did you ask him?? No, so how do you know he doesn't care. My life will be lived the way I want. Everyone gets hurt at least once and there are always heartbreaks, tears, memories but that doesn't stop you from going after what you want. I take the time to express myself. Yea I know he doesn't deserve to talk to me and why should I listen to him when he wouldn't listen to me. I don't know I really don't all I know is you go after what you want and who you love. Even though I made a promise to my new guy friend because my ex won't get me back. I just want answers and I want to know how he feel or what he feels. That is all I am looking for. The guy I made the promise to is sweet and I'm beginning to like him. No matter what my ex will always be in my heart because there will always be a part of me that still loves him and he knows it.

Denial..

How can you deny that you don't care not one bit about someone, when you can't go a day without thinking about them? You just can't. By denying it is pushing away any chance of something good happening happen. Trying to get someone out of your life by saying anything to get them to leave seemed like a good idea before....now it just sounds pointless. Why push away someone who is trying to make things work. You pushing them away is like smacking them right across the face. It doesn't feel good if your in there shoes. Sooner or later they will just give up trying because they realize you have been pushing them away.

So listen if someone is trying to make things work give them a chance. It doesn't matter what they did in the past, just give them a chance. If it turns out they were just playing you then you can leave, but they at least deserve to be acknowledged. Maybe down the line the will turn out to be that good guy you know rather than the good guy you knew.

Why must I cry once again

its been 10 days that i havent talked to JB and im proud of that accomplishment. Then he goes and ruins it because he texted me today and said "come over at 345 and dont wait by my house". i didnt go. you know i have never done something this hard before. i have never tried so hard to push someone out of my heart that i cared for so very much. Thats what i have to do. I have to push JB out of my heart because i cant have anymore pain or tears in my life. As much as i care for him and want him in my life i have to say and do everything to make him not talk to me. The more he talks to me the more the feeling i have come back. i dont want him back because he wouldnt listen to  me when i needed him to.

9 days.

its been 9 days since i last talked to JB. Im hoping it lasts longer. He hasnt even tried talking to me or anything. i keep saying that if he wants me back in the long run i will say i cant and he will ask me why. when he does i will tell him that i gave him a chance to listen to how i felt and let him tell me how he felt. He didnt take advantage of that chance.

Its time to let go

I love you so

This I know

But it's so hard to let go

You were there for me

You gave my heart glee

But now it's time to go

My friends say

"He wasn't worth your time, you should have looked the other way

but now you have to pay!"

I payed the price

I rolled the dice

But it was my feelings at stake

The pain is here now

I can't remember how

But I know you have to go

You're in my heart

That will never part

You're vision imprinted on me

My feelings were so strong

But now it doesn't belong

So good bye my love....Good bye


-by megan

Truth.

I always kept you inside my heart,
Straight and only you, for the longest time.
Now I wonder if I've ever been in your heart.
Even so, it's now as worthless as a dime.

I wished for you to come to me.
Each day, my thoughts for you used to grow.
But now I realized, you don't care,
And I decided to let you go....

Emily Browning - Asleep

That was it.

welp today i tried to tell him how i felt and instead he locks himself in his bathroom and listens to music which he said he was doing idk he couldve just been lying. so i stood outside and said everything i wanted to say. then i left because he didnt say anything. so i went outside and he stood at door and said "you know i wasnt listening to anything you said right" i even slide the note under the door. i told him i just wanted him to listen to how i felt but i guess thats just something he cant do. i cant wait anymore. ive waited long enough to say everything i needed to and now that i did he doesnt listen. is what i just cant understand is why he cant see how easy it is for me to say i love you. its easy for me because its true i really do love him. but i cant anymore.....i just cant. i told my best friend that this was the last time i was going to try to get him back and if he didnt listen i was done. he thinks i dont care but when i go out of my way and explain to him how i feel he doesnt listen. i dont understand why he acts the way he does sometimes. when he realizes that i still do really care about him it will be to late as i will have already moved on.

im sorry JB but you had the chance and you didnt take it.
love you,
Goodbye.


“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”

This is it the very LAST time im going after him

your just too blind to see how much i freaking care about you and how easy it is for me to say i love you. i have been trying so extra hard this time because i want to call you mine before 2013 is over which doesnt leave me much time left. I dont even know why i still love you because of all the things i heard over the summer. if you really love someone you will go through hell and back to make them happy or in my case get them BACK. i just want to send cute texts to eachother, call eachother babe and baby, hug, kiss, cuddle and just to be able to call you mine. I miss that stuff. unlike what people say i dont just miss the memories between us i miss YOU and just you. i cant tell you how much you mean to me because its that much. i want you more than anything. ive never felt this way about a guy thats because ive never cared this much about one individual. JB you are the one guy i dont want to give up on. but if you dont tell me how you feel this time i cant keep waiting for you. ive waited long enough. in the long run if you decide you want me in your life it will be to late. its NOW or NEVER. so please pick now.

love you,
<3

Dont know what to do

I wanna tell Jb how i feel but i don't know how e will react. I mean me and e are on a pretty good page. There's just the part of me that doesn't wanna hurt e but i still do love Jb. I can't shake that feeling either. Welp the 7th is this week and i don't know how i can get my wish. I won't give up on him. If i didn't really love him then i wouldn't be going through hell trying to get him back. Like i am doing everything i possibly can to get him back. I want him to be mine for Christmas. If i really wanted to i could just forget e just like that. Because i don't love him. I don't kbow him like i know Jb.

I just don't know what to do.