Thinking

Most of the time i do a lot of thinking. I think about what is going on in my life and what changes i should think about making. For the past 2 months all i have been doing is lying because i just don't trust anyone anymore. I dont wanna trust anyone because once you have that trust someone always breaks it. A couple months ago i absolutely hated my life and just didnt want any part in it anymore. I just wanted to be isolated. I'm in a happy place right now and i just want it to stay that way. I don't want it to change. There are some things in my life that i really should think about changing and the first one is my anger. The slightest thing will piss me off, like if your walking slow in front of me im going to have a bitch fit. I have a dangerous side too and i never know whether or not my body will actually take action. I am always saying "Im going to fucking kill you" or "I hate the world, i wish there was another terrorist attack". I cant be saying these kinds of things because they could lead me to a bad place. I dont care about trouble anymore. I really dont. If i would get arrested, so be it. What do i care. If anyone would ever find out where i would be then oh well. Just gonna have to take a drastic move. I hurt absolutely every single one of my friends because of him. But i actually cant blame it on him....because they were my moves and my decisions. I chose to do what i did. You may think i didnt know what i was doing but i actually did. I knew that if anyone would find out the truth, which obviously they all would everyone would be pissed and mad at me. That is all understandable. I had a friend who i used to be able to tell every single thing to, but lately i havent been. She would almost always understand what i would go through. She probably thinks i dont know it, but i know i pissed her off so much and annoyed her. All i ever did was talk about boys. boys this, boys that, boys everything. It really did get to be annoying even for me hearing myself say it all the time. But yet i kept going on and on about my problems. I actually dont think i even let her vent to me about anything because it would always be me talking about my issues. I know she probably didnt listen half the time, but for me just talking about it out loud helped. I had a lot of emotional breakdowns a couple months back, that i thought wouldnt ever go away. Then turning to drugs was the next step in my life. That was and still is a problem. I know i never should have started to do shit like that, but i did anyways. I would say there not bad drugs....but truth is all drugs are bad. my life is like a roller coaster and right now its going down the hill. I almost wonder if im gonna hit the bottom. rock bottom. i probably am going to since i am so far into it all. Everything has side effects, sometimes there good and sometimes there not. you wanna know how i stay up all night and then in morning am so energized. its because i take stuff at night to keep me awake and then in the morning i take stuff to keep me awake and energized. its an ongoing process. it just started this month though, so im not to too far in it. You see what i mean i do some insanely stupid and dumb things. Am i stopping them though.....no im not. I dont know why either. not saying any names. Right now or should i say the past month ive been in the drug stage. the new people ive been acquainted with have been introducing me to new things. Next is the alcohol stage. Once i hit that stage im going to hit rock bottom, no doubt about that. You say i do dumb things and you are right i know. im fucking mad stupid for the things i do. and not just half the things i do all of them. Each and every decision i make is dumb.like for instance my dream. "My life dream all starts when im __ and goes from there". who has a dream like that. or should i say what teenager has a dream like that. the way i act is more than likely going to lead to that happening. Smoking was one of the beginning stages. everytime i would be around someone who was smoking I Needed A Cigg. Then even if i looked stupid when i would be walking about and smelt a cigg i would take such a deep breath in so i could really smell it. Ive also gone past the suicidal stage. Not such a fun one. I went through something last year that only two people, well three now know about. That really messed my head up. I dont talk about anything that could relate to that anymore. It gets to me like a lot. I hated feeling the way i felt. Now he said hi to me twice this week and gave me a hug. Its not that i was trying to be mean but i really didnt want him to touch me. Cause after he did all the memories from those couple weeks came flowing back into my head. Things i didnt want to picture i saw again. the year of 2014 just started and ive already boarded the roller coaster. anyways im at a happy place right now. and no im not taking pills to make me happy.

Never thought i would be back in this

I am in a web of lies because of him. I don't know who i told what to. Everything is just a jumbled mess. The person who is supposed to be my best friend doesn't even know. I keep forgetting what story i told her because i told so many people different stories. I just wish i could fix it all and just tell everyone there is no guy in my life, but that would just be another lie because there is. I just don't want people to know who he is. I should have never started talking to them again after i was pissed at them, but i did because it was so hard not to. Its like i love him and miss him, but the things he says just are very believable. If he really does love me then he should prove it. It upsets me because the last time he said "I love you" was march 25th. that was two weeks ago... I don't wanna give up on him, but if thats what needs to be done so be it.

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less"

saddening

When he said "I just wish you were older" it made me cry a little because he's making me worried that he's gonna break up with me. I really don't want him to break up with me because i actually do love him back. he make me really happy and calm. I love talking on the phone with him almost every night. we have texted eachother everyday since february 15th. thats 2 months of talking to eachother straight. i dont wanna break up with him because he's perfect. our relationship has had its ups and downs, but so does every relationship out there. Even though i thought he cheated, he really didn't. the girl who said they were dating lied. plus she lives in a different state. i honestly can say i do trust him and thats something hard for me to do. he may have lied twice, but thats twice in a long period of time. i miss him so much it hurts. he's like picture perfect. when we talk on the phone all i do is smile. i love it when he sings, nobodys perfect its the effort that counts.

our song
 I'll see you tonight- Scotty McCreery

Memory

Everytime I go to walmart it reminds me of the first time we met. You were leaning up against the car in the second parking spot by the gardening center at walmart. And when i was in the back seat with my friend i told her " He is fucking hot as hell" Then after she left and i went to get back in the car you opened the door for me and sat in the back with me. You asked for a hug and i really really like hugs. You were wearing that orange shirt and hat. That car ride was a bit awkward, but i was happy that i was finally with you.

OMG i seriously can remember second by second of everything that happened that night.

Truth

We have so much in common and thats really cool. We are gonna have a fun time for my birthday. My day will be perfect only because I'll be with you. This will be my favorite birthday yet. OMG I just really wanna kiss you so badly. I wanna say something... You are perfect and never forget that. I just wanna lay with you all night. Since I don;t know when I'll see you again the couple days your staying over have to go by slowly.

If your reading this Love You.