Exactly

Aw

I love talking to him hes so sweet. I was upset today, but now that i talked to him i feel very happy and smiley. he is just to nice.

Secrets

I hate keeping secrets from my friends, but there are times when you have to. This is one of those times. I have been keeping a secret since the 17th. I need it to remain a secret because i dont want anyone finding out what im doing or who im with. People may get mad at me or get hurt. I'm just doing what i always do. I have been saying i feel like im turning into S, which i really feel like i am going to.  This is one secret i need to keep and i dont know how long for. If i were to hurt one person it would be the guy im dating... but you know what fuck itt. All i do is get hurt and hurt people. Thats my personallity. Im not a fucking little good girl. Like no im me and thats who i wanna be.

Did I make the right choice?

Every time i talk about my boyfriend with my mom i say Erics name instead of his. When i'm hanging or talking to my boyfriend i always am about to say eric instead of his name. This kind of thing has never happened to me, which is weird. Yesterday i said eric, luckily he wasnt paying attention because that would have been bad. When i think of my bf erics name pops in my head. like everything is Eric and its annoying. I wanted to be in a relationship so much because i really needed to feel that comfort again and before things got bad. I just dont think im the relationship type of person. I'm always trying to complicate things. I actually have someone who cares about me and wants to be with me and watch i ruin it. i would hate if i were to ruin things because he's a nice guy.

Breakups arent my thing

I'm the kind of person who can't break up with someone. Its hard for me to do. I normally would either have my friend press send on a message i wrote or just have them say i want out. Thats not the right thing to do but thats the only thing i can do. I always feel like if i break up with them they will never talk to me again or wanna be friends. I don't want that and that is why breakups are hard for me.

Thinking all the time

Theres so much thinking to be done. So much stuff to think about. I kinda wish eric tried harder and showed he actually really liked me. I get that he was talking about asking me out on a date. Its just why didnt he then. Like i dont get what the hold up was we've known eachother since November 7th. He knows that i really liked him. I always called him cute and hamdsome. And i thought we were actually getting somewhere new years. Cause he called me cutie and said he liked me. It's upsetting cause now im dating his friend. To be honest i dont even know why.it was rushed. I dont even know if i want this relationship either....i know thats bad to say.

Unexpected

So the unexpected news is that im in a relationship,but not with eric. With his friend. I dont really know how it all happened but it did. He asked me out on monday so its going to be 4 days tomorrow. Its his first relationship. Im not really used to relationships because ive had a different kind of relationship since september so im not used to this. But its going good. I have that comfort that i needed.

Rushing

Only my friend would understand this. Last year on February 18th started the long journey of 7 months of hell. That was when S wasnt talking to me and i was miserable. I cried every single night for 5 months.Then my JB came back into my life and we started dating. I had comfort and barely thought about S, but there were some nights i did. My mind was always on my boyfriend and i was actually started to heal and be happy again. Even my best friend knew that i was happy and that i needed that comfort to get my mind off S. She knew it was what i needed. Me and JB had our issues but nothing compared to those disastrous months. When me and JB broke up i was sad and started thinking about S again. Which made me be upset again. Then at the end of august he started talking to me again. I was happy. Even though S broke my heart many times he somehow has the power to always fix it. Like they say "only the one you breaks your heart can fix it". Now as February is nearing its starting to get to me because i feel like the same thing is going to happen. He hasnt talked to me since December 17th. I have said since probably a lil before that, that i wanted a boyfriend. That is why i am trying to get into a relationship. Im kinda rushing, which i hate doing. cause sometimes something goes wrong. But i have been ready for a relationship for awhile. i just need that comfort again. like i really need it.

Perfection

In my life nothing was perfect, but now i can say that there is one thing that is. Eric is the definition of perfect in my life right now. He just is the sweetest thing. I cant even put it into words because theres just so many ways to describe him. Even when i say im mad at him, there was really nothing he did wrong. He just doesnt seem like the guy who would screw you over or take advantage of you. Hes perfect. I cant say that about many guys i have liked in the past either. I may have said there adorable but not perfect and definitely not the definition of perfect. His eyes, hair, smile, just everything about him i like. I wanna learn so much more about him. I keep saying that if and when we date we would last easily more than a year. The way he acts now is probably how he would act in a relationship. No fights. No arguments. Its just normal. We may not talk everyday but when we do there is a smile on my face brought on by him. Hes just beyond perfect. I am really trying not to ruin our friendship because if i do we may never talk again. I may not be in luck to find someone as perfect as while in high school. Thats why i cant mess anything up. I think im actually the only girl who likes him. And if i really am thats sad because a lot of girls are missing out on a great guy. i like him a lot. and even though i said i had another crush i told him today that i cant like him because i have a better chance with eric and that he is more sweeter than him. He probably got mad and thats why he stopped responding,but it doesnt matter. Talking to him has also made me really stop and i actually mean stop talking to S. Which is a miracle. Im happy though because i dont need anymore assholes or lying cheaters in my life anymore. i actually want a good guy and eric is that. Hes just too perfect. His voice is dreamy, like i could listen to him talk all day and all night long. Everything about him is perfect.<3 I will show him this one day and he will know he has a good girl in his life.

My decision is made

Eric it is. He is sweet kind and cute like a teddy bear. He is a keeper. Hes so adorable.

How my decision will be made

My decision will be based on a lot more than just these few things.

1. If eric doesnt talk, smile, or say hi to me by friday then his loss it will be.
2. Whichever guy talks to me first.
3. Whoever smiles at me tomorrow.
4. Whoever says hi to me tomorrow.

These sound corny but there just somethings i need to look for.

Not Knowing Whats Gonna Happen Next

The things i am doing can take me in one direction or another. One is good and one is bad. I dont know which direction to take.

When things are said, they cant be unsaid. I once cared a lot about him and had many feelings for him still, but they just need to realize that i take things seriously. They need to understand that what they say is hurting me and making me upset. Not to the point where i'm crying, but it hurts.

Then Eric is making things harder than they need to be. I smile and try to say hi to him and i know he sees me, but he never does anything back. I feel like he doesn't care. He told my friend that he likes me and thinks I'm cute, but if that is all true he should prove it. He needs to prove it. If he doesnt then i have nothing to believe. He calls me cutie once. I ask to hang and he says sure, but when i comes to that day he doesnt respond. Why is that? Does he just say yes to shut me up or something. These are questions i want answers to. I would ask him, but how do i do that when he wont even talk to me. Now i get he doesnt have a phone at the moment. but i havent talked to him in 15 days. I used to talk to him every 2 or 3 days. This is killing me, because i really miss talking to him. I feel like it is all a game. The game idea sounds so familiar. Where they say they like you when really they don't and you find out its all a joke. I swear i feel like i am going to get hurt by him just because i dont know whats going on in his mind. He doesnt respond to my messages or say hi to me at school or even smile back. If he doesnt like me then he shouldnt lie and say he does....

Then the other guy returns in my life after three years. we barely even talked back then to begin with. he always talked to my friend and i just happened to be there with her. dirt bike guy could be his nickname. We used to watch him ride his dirt bike. That was really fun. I remember how i used to have a huge crush on him and how i obsessed over him. Then i moved on because he moved and i got the hint. Now he likes me. I dont understand anything anymore. When i liked him he didnt like me and now he likes me and i dont know what i feel. He says hes really happy we are talking again. I mean i guess thats good. "Gorgeous blue eyes".There are a lot of stories that may or may not be true about him. They are mostly all bad. He says he wants to give me a hug but i gotta stop being so shy around him.

I just dont know what i want to happen next. One choice can either make everything right or destroy everything. Now i have two choices and i can only pick one. Just one not two because two makes everything confusing. Both are good i guess. now i really really like eric, but do i really know how he feels....no. I say no because he doesnt act like he likes me and he doesnt show it. if you like someone they will catch you looking at them, smiling at them and vise versa. They will say hi and ask you to hang out. He doesnt do that. Nothing good is happening with him in the new year of 2014. Then the other choice can lead somewhere good, but i doubt it. If the stories are true then its just like the senior i once hung out with....which didnt lead anywhere good. But if it led somewhere good i dont know what i would do.

So that leaves me with a choice to make. Nobody knows what i am going to do. I can say one thing though i will have made my decision by Friday January 17th....

Memory

I still can't remember that when I was in 7th Grade I had a binder that was coated in hearts with his name in it. I used to be obsessed with him and wrote his name on absolutely every folder and binder pretty much anything. I liked him alot back in 2011 then he moved and we haven't talked since then. when he started looking at me at lunch it made me think. Then when he said "your pretty cute(:" that made me smile. Then i thought well since he likes me, why not like him again. So now i have a little crush on him again. I doubt that it will lead to anything good but wht not give it a shot.

The Returning friend

The guy or should I say a returning friends talking to me again. thankfully is in the senior junior. I hear stories about him. They are good stories either. Apparently every girl he has dated he cheated on. He slept with each of them to. He does seem like a guy who would cheat but it reminds me of another guy. I don't know the guy for 4 months and then after he start talking again, 3 months. my friend calls him "gorgeous blue eyes." to be honest that statement is true. I also really like guys who have blue eyes. I am really into eric, but who said you cant like two guys at once.

Its almost gonna be one month

Its almost gonna be one month since i last talked to him. I should say since the last time he talked to me. We last talked on December 17. I remember that day so clearly because it snowed and we had no school. It is starting to get to me. Nobody can tell because they would think im acting myself. Truth is im not ive moved back to my old ways anf am just looking for trouble. Trouble should be my middle name. When I get involved with seniors that's where it starts to get bad. senior guys me do not get along very well.

Once again I'm Confused

So i like Eric and i wanna make things work with him. Then this guy who i used to like started talking to me and he likes me. i used to like him in 2011 but havent seen him since so i havent liked him. I have to say i think i was flirting back yesterday. which isnt good because eric was there. everything is making me confused and i dont like being confused.

Im happy

So i found out today that he hasnt been ignoring me. he actually likes me and would ask me on a date. so i found out that the reason he hasnt been texting me is because  he dropped his phone in the toilet on new years. that would explain absolutely everything. At least i have an explanation now. No more sadness now i am full of joy. I didnt know that he actually like liked me i just knew he called me cutie. but now to actually know he likes me makes me even more happier. he said he would ask me out on a date but he doesnt wanna sneak around my mom. my mom is coocoo (friends words) and doesnt allow me to hang out with guys. so normally i sneak around. You see this guy is really nice and he is smart. so just for him i asked my mom if i am allowed to hang out with guys. she said yes. she knows his name, age stuff like that. i told her she could meet him if she doesnt believe me. im happy that this is one guy that my best friend and my mom approve of. that make me happy a lot. because normally i pick out guys who arent nice and asses. nobody ever approves of them. and as bad as this sounds i would choose eric over JB in a heartbeat. truth be told.

welp hopefully he asks me out on a date soon. cant wait.!!!!(:

distressed and agitated

Because of the way he is acting is making me go crazy. Like i honestly just wanna crawl in bed and cry. I don't know what to think. All I know is i'm probably thinking of the worst scenario's possible. My friend is probably right, that i'm over exaggerating. But....what if i'm not and this is all real. What if something is happening and i don't know. There is an explanation for why he is avoiding me and not responding to any of my messages. There is always an explanation. My friend knows that when guys are involved in my life and im into them i pay close attention to every detail. Like absolutely every detail. Thats how i know if something doesnt fit. One odd thing out and i'll catch it. I'm not obsessed i just like to know what is going on. My lunch table thinks he's hiding something or he just isnt in to me anymore. I try to tell them if he was hiding something i think i would know unless he is that smart and i cant see it. I tell them how he has been calling me cutie and how we talked while i was on vacation. we snapchatted for an entire night. when that was going on i was happy. really happy. when i start liking a guy i pick up on everything about them, that way i know what i'm getting myself into. i know exactly what he does for fun. He is an open person that is why i dont get why he would be hiding something from me. I overlook these things to the extent. that is why i am feeling the way i do. Maybe overlooking these things is good, i can find things i didnt know and unveil things i never thought could be there. There are so many things going through my mind right now and i dont know which thing i should follow or think more about. everything is a puzzle right now and i just need to find all the pieces, but i dont know how. This one girl told me today "i told you he was stupid and a dick". i just looked at her. Like don't these people understand that what they say hurts me. like your criticizing someone i like. I don't think you would like it if i started to criticize someone you like or even the person you are dating. Then a couple days ago a girl who sits with me at lunch said "i think he's hiding something from you and he doesnt like you", its just like shut up you don't even freaking know him. Like geez. I'm a very sensitive person and even the littlest thing can send me in tears or close to it. I say i'm distressed because i am very upset and its just annoying. My friend may say im obsessed, but if i was obsessed i would know his every move and every class he has. I would know everything and i dont. I only know the things he tells me and whats on his profile. Wow you know what i just realized....i dont even know his favorite color :'(
thats really poor. I think its either blue or red. his favorite hoodie is red i know that. i know he likes GTA.


through all this crap heres a poem...
"his rich green eyes played with her mind,
the smile that lingered on his face was only for her.
But his touch was so soft, not like the others.
She thought he was sweet, but not like the others."

Moving on isn't easy

I’ll be honest with you. Moving on isn’t easy. I’d think moving on is just a matter of putting the past behind us. I mean, you want to move on? Just forget about the past! Get over it. Look onward to the future. Keep yourself busy with other things.
Uh-uh – Not so easy. While these do help in some way, I realized there is more than meets the eye. No matter how hard I tried to push away the past, the past was always there, affecting the way I thought about myself, my decisions and actions.Often, we think we have moved on but we haven’t. Thinking you have moved on and having really moved on are two separate situations altogether. You continue to live under the shadow of that person or relationship without realizing it. You think you have been liberated but truth is you are still living in a mental prison as you keep thinking about the person and past memories. This prevents you from receiving new things in your life.


 signs to tell if you have not moved on:

- When you think of the person more often than not.

- When you think about him/her even though you don’t want to.

- When you keep mentally reliving past memories with him/her, usually the happy/sweet ones.

- When he/she comes to mind the first instant when you are down and out.

- When you still have questions and resignations about the past. You wonder what could have been or why didn’t it turn out a certain way.

- When you keep trying to improve yourself because you feel you were not good enough (for him/her).

- When you have a desire or urge to contact him/her even though you previously told yourself you didn’t want to.


Moving On takes time ..You must have time to really move on from your past relationship. To really forget the feelings you have from that person. You have to let go ..! (lilianmaeg)

Making me feel like shit

Thanks to you i feel like crying. Is that how you want me to feel? I hope not. I like you a lot and i feel like you don't even care. If you don't wanna hang out then tell i wont be mad. Theres something going on with you that i'm not sure about. I wish i knew though. You call me cutie one day and then no talking for days. The last conversation we had was new years day 1am. Thats 8 days ago. Do you even care. I have tried talking to you but i never get a response. I know that you are getting my messages and i know that you are seeing them.even if you dont wanna hang just tell me. I won't be mad if you say no, i'm mad because you just don't respond. Last week when you said we could hang friday made me really happy, but when i texted you friday you never responded. It seems as if since new years you havent responded. I don't know maybe the new year created a new you who doesn't like to respond to anybody or something. Like whats the deal dude. I thought we were friends but i guess i was wrong. I can say two things. One is that i am really happy i met you. And two is that you made my new years better because you were talking to me all new years eve and new years morning. I just wish you could see how much i am trying to get your attention. I want you to be my Valentine  :)

Welp if you read this i want you to know your one great guy whos voice i cant get over and whos personality is sweet. 

Last year repeating.

Last year i went through shit. as it was stated in an old entry. Well a new story is to come. January 17th will mark one month since they last talked to me. I have to say i'm taking it a lot better than the last time. Its annoying though because i have done nothing wrong. i didnt put any drama in there life...well not that i know of. i think he just says i do stuff to piss me off. well let me say it fricking works.  lets see how long this no talking streak lasts. It started December 17th.

the hardest question "Why?"

i just wanna know why. why doesn't he ever respond. Why doesn't he talk to me at school anymore. Why doesn't he do anything. I know he looks at me because my friends say he looks and stares at me. I know he gets my texts. I know he sees them. Why doesn't he put in any effort. He's making me think that he doesn't care. He calls me cutie then ignores me. Its just like what the hell. You know. one day we are fine and then the next we arent. weird thing is that reminds me of this other person. I wonder if there friends....

I figured it out

I think that i was meant to meet karl. I know he's JB best friend but still. If i wasnt meant to meet him then i would havr never figured out his name. Nobody told me his name. I didnt even know who he was. I saw his face for 5 seconds. I searched and searched for this guy on Facebook unti i think i found him. I then found out him amd JB were friends. I was still dating JB at this point so i couldn't do anything. At the time i didnt want to because i was happy in the relationship with JB. After a while i began looking up more about karl because i wanted to know more about him. The more i found the more fascinated i was with him. Then me and JB broke up. A day later i started talking to karl. The first conversation was pretty funny like he was so open with me. He said some things that shocked me but it was ok.after we started talking for a month i began to really like like him. Then we hungout. We liked it and wanted to hangout again.. but couldn't cuz JB my ex found out and was pissed. Truth be told i still kinda like karl,but we barely talk anymore.so all i have are memories. :( its sad but i thing i learned a lesson from meeting him

Him.

This guy and me have been talking since November 7th. thats almost 2 months. I really like this guy. he's sweet funny and freaking adorable.oh and also cute. i hate when he says we can hang and we make plans n then we dont. i just dont get it. im mad at him. but you cant stay mad at someone who is cute.