i cant think

so theres this guy who i feel likes me. Thing is i could never see us being in a relationship i can only see us as a hookup buddy.(I know inappropriate). His personality makes me think that's all he would want anyway. We had a conversation and it was cute. 

 


Isnt he just perfect. I think he is. Especially with those gorgeous blue eyes of his. Those are freaking amazing. I know his personality well enough to know he isnt the relationship type...which is just like me, so technically we are perfect. For him to actually think i'm cute cause he's all that and more and then me im just i dont know. we seem so different. If he would actually kiss me i will be amazed. well i just hope things go good. I'm so glad i started talking to him again because it makes a difference. I used to like him and he didnt like me and now he actually does like me so i dont know.

Feeling like this sucks

The worst type of crying.
Is when your lips start to shake and tears build up quickly and fall fast. You're bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and not make any noise but it hurts too much to hold it in so you let out a yelp and a cry then comes the loss of breath which sucks because not only you're crying out loud but you think you sound dumb for not breathing too.
It's just a mess.

It just got real.

Delete.

As of 1:43 yesterday  you have been deleted from my life. That is official. You are no longer programmed in my phone. I am erasing you from my heart and mind. I cant be sad all the time. And you are making me. I am done with your attitude and just everything.  One day im happy because of you the next im pissed off. Why cant you just tell me what you want or what your looking for....instead of acting like you could care less about me. I wish you wouldn't have kissed me if you werent serious about us getting close. I just wish i knew what you wanted. Then maybe i can figure out what to do next. I told everyone how perfect you were and that i want to call you mine

I dont know

Not knowing what to do or how to do it is a problem. Not feeling the same connection you used to feel for someone. Wanting something so badly, but feeling like you dont deserve it. Feeling miserable because you dont wanna ruin another good thing. He's good for me and i know that, but he doesn't act like he wants the same thing i want.  I've wanted to be in a relationship with him since November. He says hes looking for a relationship, but he doesnt necessarily show thats what he wants.  I have been saying how much i like him and wanna be with him. Hes perfect in so many ways,its just i don't know what move i should make. I was told thaf if he doesn't make the first move i should. I know to make it not awkward i should have scooted over to him when we were watching the movie yesterday. I need to not be shy around him anymore. 

Where it all started

It all started on November 4th. That was the day of the fight. The day he beat the shit out of feggle (k). The day where i said "now thats my kind of guy" i remember that fight like it was yesterday. I remembrr everything i said to. I didnt know what the guy who beat up k's name was. But it didnt matter cause i knew right there right then that i liked him. Then december 7th i sent him a message on facebook and said "hey your cute js". That message started it all. Ever since then we have talked and he really started to grow on me. And i wanted there to be something between us. Thats what i was shooting for...he may have ruined part of it, but there's still some hope in my heart. I know in my heart that we can be something he just needs to push and try for it. He kissed me twice and then avoids me for a couple days...made plans that he didnt stick to.That is what ruined it.that and only that is whar ruined it. I dont feel the same connection i used to and im not sure why. But i do know one thing and that is that i am willing to keep trying and put effort in only if he does.

He is Eric.

Not knowing what you want

It has to be one of the worst feelings. I thought i knew what i wanted but.....maybe i thought wrong. Maybe the choice i made wasnt the right one. At the time i thought it was and i dont know maybe i still do think it right. I just dont know anymore. I chose Eric over anyone because i have liked him longer. I have liked him for 4 months. Then new years comes along and we are making progress. Now we are hanging by a thread because i dont know where we r

The little things

You don't have to do much to put a smile on my face. But theres so much you can do to put a frown on my face. Its the little things in life that can change that. One thing i hate is when a guy just leaves you hanging like you meant nothing to them.

Happy one day sad the next

Friday i came home so happy and just couldnt stop smiling. After lunch he walked me to my next class and along the way we were talking. When we got to my class he said "do i get a kiss" i said yes and we kissed. He has no idea how much that kiss meant to me. The guy i have had a huge crush on since november finally kissed me. After that happened i continued to smile till the end of the school day and probably till i went to sleep. It made me so happy to know that me and him are actually getting somewhere good. Then today game. We had plans to hangout today and i couldnt wait. He worked at 5 so we had to hangout before then. As 1 o'clock was nearing and still no response from him i started getting mad because i dont get why he wouldnt text me. I hate crawling after people.  Well anyways at like 1:30 i texted him saying hey. He started texting me, then at like 1:40 he asked if i still wanna hang. I said yea. Then once again we made plans. At 3:03 he texts me and says "damn we cant hang out today. Ill make it up to you when we go out next week". Then i go on his instagram page to find that when he said he was on his way to get me he was really with his friends at a restaurant. That all made me pissed. I say i like it and that i can handle it. Truth is I'm not that strong. Mentally or emotionally strong. The smallest thing can make me upset and i just put on a face to make it look like i don't care and that it doesn't bother me. It bothers me a lot. Like i thought that the kiss meant we were actually getting somewhere good. If we would date is this how its gonna be. Is he never going to text me first. Like i dont understand what the big issue is with that. I don't wanna have to always text him first. I may overthink a lot of things, which i tend to do. I feel like its all a game. I mean i like him cause he's nice and has a mean/bad side to him. But then i feel like the kiss was a distraction to shut me up. Either way he asked for a kiss. My friend said he didnt try hard enough before. Shes right he didnt try hard enough. He is trying this time but i dont see the effort. If he was actually trying he would text me and talk to me at schooo but no. Its when ever i text him and whenever i am staring at him he will say hi. Thats not how it should be right? I dont know why i stresa myself out over these thing. All i know is my day was ruined. It is ending shitty because of him.