The Fountain of wishes

before summer came i always wished for the same thing. every time i came across that fountain i threw all my change in it. Each coin counted as a wish. I wished for him to talk to me again. I missed him and wanted him back in my life. then he talked to me again and we even ended up dating over the summer.

I love him....Can you tell?

I will not say which guy. There is only one person who should know this and that is my best friend. If she doesn't know...then idk.
Every single one of my friends hates him. Nobody likes him. They all say hes an asshole, jerk, dick,player, user...so on. I put all that aside because of the feelings i had for him.The first time I didnt actually like him that much i just dated him to date him. Then over the summer, i really liked him. I told my friend that I want to date him so badly because i really like him. I told her i was even gonna ask him out. I talked to him so much more. I was really happy. She could even tell how happy i was.  then july came around and he came over one night. that night was so special and i was just so happy. he asked me out in a way i will never forget. Thats how memorable that night was. every day for the first two weeks of our relationship he texted me first and always said "hey babe". i love that. then one night he called and said "love you" and i said "i love you too". i really do love him. we were dating for one day shy of 7 weeks so almost 2 months.
Even though we are no longer dating i still love him. I would like to date him again just because of how many feelings i have for him.

He barely talks to me anymore

So S barely talks to me anymore. thats the guy who didnt talk to me for 7 months and then started talking to me on august 31st. Welp he hasnt talked to me for a week. I texted him today and said hey all i got back was a hi. like the entire first two weeks we started talking again we talked almost every single day. we also skyped a week straight. i miss that. like i really do. i wanna know what happened. im just gonna let him come to me. i dont wanna have to bother him. i try to not get hurt but you know that shits hard to do.

I try to make things better

So i try and make things better between you and me and nothing. You have absolutely no response to what i said to you. Im kinda upset that you didnt say anything to me in response. Its ok though. I wonder if this is how he is going to act. like what if i really am you know and i need to tell him. will he just not respond to that too. like if i tell him i am he kinda has to respond and ask what im gonna do. i just dont know what to do.

I've Made My Decision

Im going to concentrate on only one guy and shut all other guys out. I want it to work with K. Even though he is mad at me and im mad at him for the things he said. I still really like him. Im gonna focus on him and only him. Im going to put my all in it. I will try so hard because i want it to work so much. He made me realize i cant always have everything i want, and that if i try to outsmart people i will lose. Which i did because i chose my ex and him. They both found out that i had been with each other. That really hurt me. They both hate me right now and dont talk to me. The reason i need to just move on from my ex is because if i go back to him again, that will make it the 3rd time that i dated him. No. Two times was more than enough. I know that i shouldnt be going after k considering thats is best friend. But i cant stop my heart from liking him.

Fine Lets All Be So God Damn Happy

Ok everyone get up and just smile at everyone that comes across you. Im so sick of freaking people these days. like i truly am. you know im just so fucking done telling anyone about my problems with guys or just problems in life. i cant take any of this shit anymore. id rather go to school with a fucking fake smile on my face and have everyone think im fine, so that way when i get home i can shed a tear or two and not worry about what anyone is thinking. I just so fucking have had it. Ill just stop talking to dudes. ok. that good enough. All i know is i actually fucking liked fegle but no by going over to my ex's house they both get freaking mad at me and hate me now. you know what be mad at me hate me for all i fucking care. Ok. Call me a freaking whore, slut, even a cunt. whatever word may cross your mind. Go ahead and call me it. You wouldnt like to be called any of that would you?No i think not.
Yea i get that what i did was stupid and messed up. But it was a mistake. and everyone makes mistakes in life. I just want one of them to forgive me. Cause then at least id have one of them in my life. This shit all just fucking sucks. Yea i may be complaining about a freaking guy. Ok. Maybe it aint that bad. But nobody can understand. I dont want anyone to understand either. Im just done. Done with everything and everyone.
im sick of crying all the time. Sick of having problems. Sick of being upset. Just sick of everything. I want everything to be normal. Is that to much to ask for?
Fegle if i would be....im coming after you, and you will talk to me.

welp. whatever. Done.
DUNZO. :P hehe

Sad Again (Whole truth not hiding anything)

I hate crying over him. I cried so much over him. The last 6 almost 7 months of my life have been complete hell because everyday when something reminded of him i would always cry. id cry for hours and hours. I was always trying to put on a smile for everyday that i went to school. Nobody knew that i was in so much pain. Half the stuff im gonna say my best friend doesnt even know.  I was so depressed that i just wanted to die. Like legit die. I didnt care about my life anymore. I didnt wanna deal with the pain. I just couldnt take it. Seeing him drive past my house everyday and knowing that he was never gonna stop just killed me. I tried taking an overdose many time, that didnt do anything. i cut many times to get rid of some pain. Like i wanted to die. i guess it just wasnt my time to go since nothing was working.
then he talks to me again and im fine. but its just i feel like he hates me and i just know theres no chance of me being with him. Yeah i told my best friend i dont like and i cant. Truth is i really do still like him. when i was dating this guy over the summer i said to myself "even though im in a relationship i still love s". That feeling just isnt gonna go away.
Im still crying over this kid. Like what the fuck. I dont even know why im crying. it just doesnt make any sense.

well i cant write anymore its making me a little upset.

Sick Of Crying All The Time

I'm starting to get really sick of crying all the time. When I'm home alone and hear a sad song I go sit up against a wall and cry and think of all the bad times. Then memories flood my mind and i cry even more. You cry not because your weak but because its how you release your pain. I'm sad everyday. I really couldn't tells you the last time I actually had a real smile on my face and not a fake one. I lied so many times so people didnt know i was upset and now i dont even know whats true anymore.

Those Tears On My Pillow

pretending that i feel fine
a smile covers despair
saddness is easily hidden
no one would be aware

i go off into a quiet place
when i am feeling low
there i shall cry for hours no one would ever know

its easy masking sorrow
if i keep it out of sight
weeping tears in silence
as i hug my pillow tight

only my pillow will knw
tears i cried over you
heartache is never heard
when hidden from a view

those tears on my pillow shall shed silently
yearning goes unnoticed
it hurts you cannot see

Dear Friend, (reblogged/updated)

Ok well you told me june 3 that you are tired of me talking about him. And you said you dont care. Ok well listen to me when I say this because after this I am done. The only way I can let my feelings out is either to cry or talk about him. I dont wanna cry all day at school so I just talk about him. You either except it or you dont. And you apparently dont. Is what you dont understand is that I have tried so many times to move the fuck on and I just cant. Its been done between me and him for 7 months now.Ok. Just look at me. I'm still a mess after 7 months. Theres no point in torturing myself to move on from him.I get that he will never come back to me again, like i get that. I understand that he will never talk to me again. I get that he graduated. I will more than likely never see him again. But i dont know why I just cant let the feelings go. He talks to me again after 7 months and you are like "You are so fucking stupid like wake the fuck up". Call me dumb, but remember its my life. I just wont tell you the shit i do anymore. Its as easy as that.
So here it.
You can either except the fact I talk about him or walk the fuck away.
Because I am done.

Worst Part (reblogged)

I devoted 5 months of my life to him....and now I've been trying to let go for 7 months. When will it end. I'm tired in drowning myself in tears. I am so shocked that I even have tears left to cry because I cried so damn much. My heart hurts more now than ever. The time I cry most is at night when no one can hear me. It's the kind of cry where you have the urge to scream and you have to hold your stomach because you begin to feel sick. The cry where you feel your heart in your throat. It's a sad way to cry.

How Can I Let Go..Again

I want to run, I want to hide.
From all the pain he caused inside.
I want to scream, I want to cry.
Why can't I tell him Goodbye?

I want to move on, I just can't let go.

You See What I Mean

I try to move on from....Sebastian, but it just doesn't work. Whenever I seem to be liking a new guy and getting close they hurt me and disappear. Then when they disappear I'm back to liking Sebs. I don't know I sorta feel like I'm meant to like him. Only thing is, if I was meant to like him.....why doesn't he talk to me anymore? I just don't understand things. This is why I say I'd rather cry over some guy who I haven't talked to in 5 months, rather than meet a new guy who treats me exactly the same. You guys understand it right? I hope so. Well yeah I guess I'm back to liking Sebastian again....What else is new. I can't escape the past. I feel like I'm trapped in the past and can't move forward.

Kinda Sad how it all works out

I need to just somehow tell him everything and just make him listen. But how is the question. How can i get him to hear what i have to say?

Miserable Once Again

I had him in my life once again after a long 7 months. We talked for three days made plans to hang out, but we never did then he just stopped talking to me for 5 days. Nothing has changed. Not that it would. We didn't even hang out yet for me to be hurt and I'm already in tears. I just thought that because I've been hurt so many times before that I'd be used to it by now. Truth is I'm not, I was wrong. I'm happy that he at least remembered me and talked to me again. I keep going back to him thinking hes changed but he doesnt. I just wish he could realize how i feel. I want him to know how i feel. I dont know if he would care but i do.

Crying over the guy who hurt you so many time, yet you still care for them...

Friday August 30th

he talked to me again. 7 months later and he finally talked to me again. after 5 months i really started to think he isnt ever going to talk to me again. so i just gave up and let go. Then i started dating the other guy and was happy. Now me n him arent dating. Im gonna go through the same thing that i went through before. All my friends think im stupid and dumb for talking to him again.
I feel like they hate me or are mad at me because im talking to him again. But you what i know theres a chance of me getting hurt, theres always a chance of getting hurt. They need to let me live my life the way i want to live it. Im happy ok theres actually a smile on my face again.
7 months 7 months..... thats a long fucking time. He didnt forget about me though. He still remembered me.

Im to the point where i dont even wanna tell my best friend about it. I feel like she will hate me.
This is me, this is who i am.
I forgive people i shouldnt.
i let in people i shouldnt.
i trust in people i shouldnt.
i fall for people i shouldnt.
i care for people i shouldnt.

but i do because thats just me. Thats who i am.

he hurt me 6 times and i took him back every time, because i wanted him to have another chance to make things right. I felt like he deserved another chance.

call me stupid call me dumb. but remember its just me being me.