"Are You OK?"

yea im fine

^when someone says that they really are saying
"im dying inside. nothing is ok everything is wrong"


remember that next time someone says there ok.

Repost: How I Feel :(

No one knows how I really Feel about you, not even my best friend. Today I realized I just can't hide it or pretend like everything is ok when it is not. NOTHING is right NOTHING! Nobody knows what the hard part is..... It's going to school everyday and seeing him and trying so hard not to breakdown right there in front of him crying my heart out. It's knowing that I gave him so much and can't take any of it back. It's knowing that I gave him everything and he gave me nothing in return. It's knowing that know matter how much I want him to be mine he will never be. He doesn't feel the same....at least that's what I think. It's knowing that we will never talk to each other again. There is so much that hurts and I haven't been able to tell anyone because I get so upset. Well no I am absolutely done with this crap I can't take it anymore. I'm done putting a smile on my face at school and acting like I am so happy when inside I'm so broken. I'm done telling people that nothing is wrong and that I am over him and have no feelings left. When really everything is wrong and I feel so much for him. I guess I can almost say I love him. Cause some people say that when you cry so much for someone it's because you love them. I have cried so much for him....so much that I can't believe I even have tears left. Everyday I see him I have to hold myself together....then when I get home I cry my heart out because of all the pain i'm in. I played the role of the girl who is happy and has nothing wrong in her life, so well that people actually believed me and bought it. Well guess what the REAL me is sad, miserable, hurt, heartbroken, damaged and has so much wrong with her life. See were complete opposites. So I am just done pretending to be someone else. I'm hurting myself because I don't know how else to deal with this anymore. I just want this pain to end and go away, but it just won't.

GoodBye

From the day I met you,

I felt everything was new

waking up each morning with a smile

taking away the pain that i feel for a while…

but love seems not to be fair

because you hurt me and give me a tear

how I wish I didn’t met you

how I wish I never loved you

for loving you just means “goodbye”

I must go on with my life

and forget the wound i have inside

for I know time will come that this pain will subside

saying goodbye would be the best I guess

setting you free is maybe your happiness

but always remember this…

though you hurt me so,

I’ll still always love you

(I will always love you S<3 ,but its time to let go.)

Poem

Goodbye


Never have I hurt this much,

never cried so many tears.

This pain you've caused,

its not your fault,

this I know with all of my heart.


I want to hug you,

but also to slap you,

kiss you but also attack you.

This pain is so intense;

it takes my breath away.


Who am I to turn to?

What am I to say?

How could one person be the cause of so much pain;

easily break a heart into so many tiny,

jagged pieces? I want to hear your voice,

but never again see your face.


I want to hold you in my arms;

I still wish that you were mine.

thought there was a chance for us,

theres still a love you cant deny.

The tears pour down yet once again,

and my heart breaks anew.


Oh, how I already miss you.

Never again will I laugh with you,

never again smile at your jokes.

This is it, this is the end,

this, is a goodbye.

Goodbye

Welp you are almost gonna graduate and I'm still here crying and wishing there was something I could say or do. You graduate in 12 days...wow, then after that I'll never see you again. See this is why I wish we could be friends, then we would always keep in touch. Now that you hate me, I really don't think there will ever be a chance of us being friends. After these last few days...I'll be sure to say goodbye. It's not like you'll show that you hear me. But in my heart I will know that you heard me say Goodbye. That is a hard word to say. Once I say Goodbye, your out of my life and there's no turning back. That's it. It's done with. If your reading this I want you to know that I will never truly be able to say goodbye and really mean it because there will always be feeling still alive, in me.

Crossing The Line

You crossed the line the moment you said "I think I may have feelings for him". At that moment you should have realized how hurt and upset I was. But no you didn't, you just went on and continued doing what you do. You started hanging out with him, smoking with him, getting rides from him, just mostly hanging around him all the time. The totally crosses the line. The worst part is you freaking tell me about it. You think that I'm over him and that nothing ever happened. No your wrong. You can do whatever the hell you want, but just leave me out of it. Stop telling me what you do with him and everything. Just don't talk to me. Just in case you didn't read the last post. You Are Dead To Me..

Hopefully you got that all
Ex. friend (S)

The Feeling of Betrayal

So I was walking to class today and saw who I thought was my friend kissing, hugging, and holding hands with the guy I'm always writing about and who I've been crying about. I recently told her that I am trying to get over him and I don't want her to bring his name up anymore. So then one day we are walking and she says "hang on"...then she goes right in front of me and starts to kiss him. Like how could she after all I said and how I told her I felt about him, kiss him right in front of me. Then she tries to apologize, but no. I was actually gonna give her a second chance until today. She was there kissing and holding on to him. Like how the hell can you do that. I thought she was my friend, but no she isn't. As of right now shes Dead To Me...

Dorney Park

I just had a flashback go through my mind. One time when me, my best friend, her brother and his best friend(the guy who this blog is about). I remember we were at wildwater and after me and my best friend went in the pool our hair got wet. When we went back to the towels where her brother and he were. He (guy blogs about) said "damn your hair is so dark, its like black".  It's funny how I can remember that so clearly. Then him and my best friends brother kept saying how my hair was really dark when it's wet.

Kiss

My friend just told me how she got kissed today and that made me think of my situation.  He was the second person I ever kissed. And He was the only person I kissed for the longest length of time. Like when we hung out we kissed. We hung out for 5 months. That was 5 months of my life devoted to him. and my life still is devoted to him.
:'(
:'(

So Sad

My friends all say, "You gotta move on",
I need to forget, but I'm not that strong,
so I just think about that day,
when you turned and walked away,
left me here with tears on my face,
all those years, I could never erase,
and you didn't even say goodbye,
and I...I just wanna die,

Feel Like Dying

I never did think it would come to this,
you left screamin', shakin' your fist,
sayin' you would never come back again,
that we were through, this was the end,
now here I am down on my knees,
praying so hard, hopin' someone sees,
all this pain that's in my heart,
just a broken frame, picture's torn apart,

I can't seem to forget about you,
and all the things that we used to do,
but I...I swear I'm trying,
and if you see me out on the street,
tears in my eyes and sores on my feet,
I...I feel like dying,

So today I tried to forget,
all of these months, I've said, "I'm done with it",
gathered up your pictures and started a fire,
then turned out to be a liar,
'cause I couldn't bring myself to burn,
all the memories, and now I yearn,
for just one day, or just one night,
of you and I not havin' a fight,

I can't seem to forget about you,
and all the things that we used to do,
but I...I swear I'm trying,
and if you see me out on the street,
tears in my eyes and sores on my feet,
I...I feel like dying,

My friends all say, "You gotta move on",
I need to forget, but I'm not that strong,
so I just think about that day,
when you turned and walked away,
left me here with tears on my face,
all those days, I could never erase,
and you didn't even say goodbye,
and I...I just wanna die,

I can't seem to forget about you,
and all the things that we used to do,
but I...I swear I'm trying,
and if you see me out on the street,
tears in my eyes and sores on my feet,
I...I feel like dying,

Since you left I just walk around,
hoping that I'll see you in town,
that hope is what gets me through,
through these days without you,
so if you see me on my knees,

I can't seem to forget about you,
and all the things that we used to do,
but I...I swear I'm trying,
and if you see me out on the street,
tears in my eyes and sores on my feet,
I...I feel like dying,
yeah,
I can't seem to forget about you,
and all the things that we used to do,
but I...I swear I'm trying,
and if you see me out on the street,
tears in my eyes and sores on my feet,
I...I feel like dying...




By: Anonymous

Dear Invisible,

If you are reading any of these posts I want you to know that I care for you I really do. You once said that you wish you could meet a girl who cared for you and liked you for who you were and not for what you did. You also said you wanted to find a girl who would treat you and respect you right. Well guess what hunny open your eyes cause I'm right here. I always have treated you with respect even though you broke my heart many times. I care for you know matter what. Even though we aren't talking right now....I still care for you and hope you are doing well. I just need you to understand that I am that girl you described. I will be yours if you want. You are just one guy I never want to forget. And you are a hard guy to let go of too. This may be a little straight forward and all but.....I Love You Sebs. <3

-Your old friend of some sort

The Chance

There is the smallest of all chances that he will one day show he has feelings. Those feeling may not be strong or even real....that's why its called a chance. I know I am probably stupid to take you back if you want in my life again. But then I guess you can call me stupid because I would take him back in a second if he asked. He means that much to me. Just think if I didn't want him in my life, then why would I take him back all 6 times he/I screwed up. Reason is because I feel so much for him and would do anything for him.

The Broken Heart

My heart is so broken...broken into a million little pieces. But wait.....I think there might be just a small tiny little piece left, that feels. It doesn't do much, but it still works. It feels the littlest of things, that I may not even notice. Problem is, its not strong enough to love another...That piece is telling my mind that in his heart he still has a feeling for me...and in his mind there is a spot dedicated to me. I feel like he tells people he doesn't care about me because on the outside he really doesn't....but on the inside he has some feeling left for me, he just doesn't want to show it. He doesn't want to take that chance again. He gave me chances and I gave him chances we both screwed up. But hey who's to judge. The feeling never goes away. I think the reason why I still have feeling for him is because in that small piece of heart left in me....its saying there is still a chance he will show his feelings again. It doesn't tell me when or how...it just tells my mind he may. Its a feeling I'm willing to hold on to for awhile if there is a chance.

Problem 101

I've been talking to some new guys lately and it really hasn't took my mind off him like I thought it would.Well anyways I just hope he has a heart and can tell that I really am suffering. Nothing can hurt more than the feeling of you heart being stabbed day after day because of how broken you feel. When I am feeling all shitty, I think of how he must be feeling right now......"Oh yeah he is probably having a happy awesome life" old me would say. The new me that he created would say something more like this "Oh yeah he is probably screwing one girl after another...he's probably got a line up. He is rolling in the beauty of having people like him...then he rips there heart out and throws it on the ground". Yea that sounds more like me. You see the difference I actually had a heart inside me before then I met him and my heart died. I feel no sorrow for anyone. I don't care about anyone or anything anymore. I just don't give a crap.

Just Thinking

I kinda want to start a journal all about this situation. I think that having this blog has helped me out a little, but I think I need a journal as well. I just need other resources to let my feelings out. I watched the movie "LOL" and it inspired me to create a journal. welp next one is about my problems.
Bye.

Everything Reminds Me Of Him

Today I started to read a book and in it I read "Khakis". Then I remembered he wore a white T-Shirt and Tan Khakis. That was my favorite outfit he wore. See it just seems like everything I have been doing reminds me of him. I wish I just forgot most of the stuff that happened, but it is soo hard. I miss him. Thats probably why I have been comparing everything to him. The freaky thing is I can remember every time we hung out and what we did detail by detail. I even remember the dates and months we hung out. It's quite weird actually. Maybe something good will come out of remembering things like that.

A Destroyed Feeling

Today I am feeling a little destroyed. I just woke up and I was crying. I had a dream about him last night and I was crying in the dream and then when I woke up I really was. I have just felt so depressed lately. I don't even know what to think anymore other than give up. I just don't wanna give up.

Forever Sad :(

There is no more us..
No more kisses.
No more hugs.
No more good night texts.
No more stupid fights.
No more "I'm Sorry".
No more making up.

No more chances.

Love, Like maybe...

True love is when you
shed a tear and still want
him. It's when he ignores
you and you still love
him. It's when he loves another but you still smile
and say "I'm happy for you."
When all you really
 do is cry...and cry....and cry.

Explanation

Quote:
Sometimes we tend to be in despair
When the person we love leaves us,
but the truth is, it's not our loss,
but theirs, for they left the only person
who wouldn't give up on them


Response:
I may be hurt, but I have never given up on him nor will I. Every girl he hung out with gave up on him at some point. But not me I'm still holding on. If he chose's to come back I'll be waiting....because I will never give on him.

This is so true

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me...
the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.

It's Kinda Fucked Up Isn't It?

How all of a sudden, someone just wakes up and decides to never talk to you again. No reason. No explanation. No words said. They just leave you hanging like you never meant shit to them, and what hurts the most is how they made it look so damn easy.

What I think

Poem:You may never know how important you are to me or how much I care for you, but you are and you will always be. Bear in mind that I couldn't afford to lose someone I've learned to care about so much.

Response:You are truly so important to me. If your reading this I want you to know that you mean so much to me. I don't care that everyone dislikes you because your a lying cheating manwhore. When I was with you I felt so happy, like I couldn't be happier. You never got me mad when I was with you. I would always be smiling. (Your face is in my mind right now. I can just see you leaning up against the tree and asking if it was ok if you kissed me. I said yes. And that was the first time we had kissed.)

Poem:The darkness surrounds meIt's getting so coldI'm all aloneWith no one to hold
My world is so emptyAll what's left is painNo sunshine to light my wayJust never ending ..........

Response:
I feel like I'm living in a dark world. I have no happiness in me. I have to put on a fake smile all the time.

To My Friend

Your blog post really did make me think. You said you warned me not to go for him....and i ignored you. But what you don't know is that i took what you said into consideration. It's just I wanted to see how it went, and if it would go anywhere. Every time he hurt me you were by my side and I thank you for that. I can admit that I was so stupid to go back to him 6 times....every time he broke my heart and wanted back in my life. I picked up all the pieces and let him heal me again. But this last time he broke my heart...he hasn't come back to fix my heart and I know he never will. He's out of my life for good. I don't want him to be. I took him back even though I really never should have. He just made me feel safe and he made me happy and feel wanted. I haven't felt that in a long time. That's why I took him back time after time after time. And I probably would take him back if he would ever want back in my life. I never got a goodbye from him. He just woke up one day and decided he was never gonna talk or text me again. I know that I could have stopped this a while ago. I chose not to because I thought he might change. He's not mine nor will he ever be. I got rejected I fucking get that and I really could care less about that ok. That is not the reason why i'm still holding on. Your right he isn't gonna be around next year...or the year after......
I know all of that aightt. I will probably waste the remainder of this year crying over him until the feelings go. I know what I need to do in order for that to happen. I don't care how long I have to wait for S and K to help me, but I will get the job done. My life is already screwed up so why not just let is destroy. welp bye.

Who am I to say Song

I don't know anything at all
Who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come and gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me

I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me

A Quote I Found

"Today was just one of those days, when everything I did reminded me of you,
and every song I heard, somehow related to you, I hate days like today cuz it reminds me
of one thing I don't have"

How...

How can I let go when my heart says hold on? How can I say goodbye when all I want to say is hello? How can I forget when I can't stop thinking of you?

Who am I to say

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9OVIxlen2g

"Hang in there"

That's what people are always saying. How am I supposed to hang in there when I feel like i'm not even here... I feel invisible. Nobody understands how I feel. They just think "Oh well she's one of those girls who can't get over a guy". Whats so wrong with being one of those girls honestly? Nothing, there normal human beings. You just try and try to move on and can't. Well those of use who feel like that I can tell you why you feel that way. You say you can't move on not because you just can, but because part of you just doesn't want to. Am I right? Think yes. Everyone has that feeling. We just gotta take it one day at a time. For me I have tried to move on for months and months and nothing works...Those feelings are still there.

I Turned Into Someone I Never Wanted To Be

He influenced me to change my ways. I did stuff for him and just excepted it. I don't except it anymore, I feel horrible. The feelings I had and still have for him are also influencing my actions. I wanted to destroy his car thinking maybe he will learn this way.. no no no that isn't a good idea. I wanted to kidnap him....no no no I am not that kind of person.
I have wanted to do so many things to him to make him suffer and I can't fix it. I just feel broken and can not be fixed. I got involved with the wrong guy who made me happy and everything, but I bet it was all pretend. I feel like I turned into some crazy mental person. That is not who I am! Or at least thats not who I was. He changed my ways of life. And now its not worth living or trying anymore, knowing it can only get worse.
It will never get better never. I try to change, but it's to late. I'm so messed up inside I can't change it. I wish I could, but I can't.

The Mess I Am In

I have got myself in such a big mess I don't know how to escape it. I want to do so many crazy things that I know could get me in a lot of trouble. My mind is telling me these things because it thinks after I do it I will feel better. Truth is I don't feel any better. People have called me psycho....even my friends. I don't like that because I feel even worse, but I don't show it because I don't want pity. I don't deserve pity or anything. I deserve to suffer because of the mess I have caused.
He called the police on me and filed a harassment charge because he assumed I was the one who texted him saying if he came to school today someone was going to kill him.Well I wasn't the one who texted him, but it has gotten so bad he just assumes it's me now. Who can blame him really.

I Just Can't Anymore :'(

Crying every night from all the pain I am in. It is so hard to keep it all bundled up inside me throughout the day. I just want to cry all day, but I can't I have to be strong. Other people may stay "Just get the f*** over him already" or "Move the f*** on". Its not that easy, for me it is so hard. It has been hard for the past 3 months. That is how long I have felt miserable. It hurts so bad I try to do anything that I can to end it all. Sadly I just feel like dieing because then I won't hurt anymore. I won't feel the pain that I am in right now. It will all disappear, which is exactly what I want. But we all know that it is not a good idea, which I know as well. Its just what I feel.
I just want it all to end, I hate feeling like this especially over a freaking guy. It has been time to move on for months and I just can't...reason is because I partially don't want to, while the other part of me wants to let go. I wish I didn't have to go through this. I never thought I'd fall for such a guy that I couldn't get over and would feel so horrible. I don't want pity. This is the truth and i'm just done hiding it. I should just let all the truth out and maybe i'll feel better....haahaa yea doubt it :/