Dear Friend If you still are,

I AM SO SO SORRY. I REALLY MEAN IT. I AM SO SORRY.
I don't know why I do half the things I do. I know that what I did to you was unacceptable and very wrong. I can't even believe that I could do something so rude to my best friend. I do want you to be happy, I don't want you to be sad. Be happy you have a sweet boyfriend because I think you two are perfect.You always helped me get through all the problems I was having in life, I appreciate that very much. You didn't deserve the way I treated you in the past two days at all. I didn't have the right to do what I did. I didn't wanna piss you off and I'm sorry that I did. I didn't wanna get rid of you either. You're the friend everyone wishes to have and I was lucky to be able to call you my best friend.
I hope you can find a way to forgive me somehow and that we can still be friends. I want to be your friend for many more years to come. 4 years isn't long enough. I promise you I won't hurt you in any way ever again because I can't lose you as a friend as good as you, you mean so much. Are you willing to give me a second chance?
I hope we still can be friends.

The Pain Inside You

Your burning and you have no clue
but I do
I set you on fire
something I thought I'd admire
the flames surrounding you look so red
I wonder how you are not dead
the pain you must be in
will soon set in
as I watch you die
I hear you tell a lie
but you say it is not a lie
the sounds of fear coming from your voice
make me think that I have a choice
I can let you die or let you live

What Comes Next (Poem Written By Me)

You left me in so much pain
I'm afraid you have none to gain
I will rip your heart out
before you shout
and leave you lying on the ground
so that way its the other way around
Your left crying on the floor
and say you want no more
remember all the hurt you gave to me
will soon be easy for you to see
because once I'm done with you
you'll be saying I love you too
and it will be to late for that
once I bring out the bat
mess with me
and you will see
you'll soon be free of pain
once I have the power to gain
one strike to the head
and soon you will be dead
this feeling inside will live forever
as we will never be together
you used me
you played me
I'm done trying
as you are dying
once strike to the back
I hear you say please don't attack
I say it's to late for you
as we are through
there you are lying on your death bed
in a puddle of red
I laugh inside as I watch you cry
and hear you say goodbye
thats all I wanted to hear you say
but I also wanted to watch you pay
one last strike to the head
and you are dead

The Thoughts Of The Broken Hearted

I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to tell you mostly
I hate that I'm so afraid of everything
I hate that you’re the one thing I want the most but can't have
I hate that you let me go before I even got to say goodbye
I wish that you would come back to me
I wish I were strong enough to say no to you
I wish I could believe my own lies I use to cover up the pain you left
I need to move on says my head
I need to hold on says my heart
I need to decide says my mind
I envy the way this hasn’t hurt you at all
I envy her
I envy the fact you don’t understand what this feels like at all
I want to hurt you
I want to be with you
I want this nightmare to be over
I wish I could make things they were before you
I wish I could change time
I wish I could change you
I wish I could have hurt you before you hurt me
I wish I would have given you the letter when I wanted
I need you out of my thoughts
I need you out of my heart
I need to start doing things for me
I hate that you used me
I hate that I gave you something I can never have back
I hate that I wasted it with you
I'm tired of hoping aimlessly for you
I'm tired of wanting something I can't have
I'm tired of hurting me for things that aren’t my fault
I'm sorry I wasn't good enough
I'm sorry I defended you when everyone else was right
I'm sorry I couldn’t make you happy
Funny though how you never once said sorry for hurting me,
for breaking me

Powerful Words

was it the first time I saw your face
or when I first saw you smile
when I was settled in my place
hope you'd stay for a while

when I thought that my life
couldn't get any better
I knew you were right
we weren't meant to be together

was I too caught up
in the time I spent with you
or was it that I wasn't tough
because of something that I knew

I cant believe I didn't know
that you were slowly letting go
that we were drifting apart
with a hole in my heart

when I see you everyday
I know I made a mistake
but with no effort in your tries
I found out all your lies

so now we go our separate ways
and say our goodbyes
you've driven me to my grave
with me drowning in your lies

You See What I Mean

I try to move on from....Sebastian, but it just doesn't work. Whenever I seem to be liking a new guy and getting close they hurt me and disappear. Then when they disappear I'm back to liking Sebs. I don't know I sorta feel like I'm meant to like him. Only thing is, if I was meant to like him.....why doesn't he talk to me anymore? I just don't understand things. This is why I say I'd rather cry over some guy who I haven't talked to in 5 months, rather than meet a new guy who treats me exactly the same. You guys understand it right? I hope so. Well yeah I guess I'm back to liking Sebastian again....What else is new. I can't escape the past. I feel like I'm trapped in the past and can't move forward.

This is what happens when I try to forget him and move on...

I met this guy and his name is Randy, he seemed so sweet. He actually cared about me and I liked that. He was the first guy who I actually felt cared about me. So we have been talking since May 7th which is the first day we met.  The first time we hung out was really fun, even though we just walked around. I got to know more about him and he got to know more about me. So things have been really good you know, in June I went to his bands gig at this cafe. They were really good. It was the first time I heard them play. We hugged and everything was normal. Then this month he hasnt talked to me for six days. He was always telling me that we should talk more. So I tried texting him on the third and fifth...and nothing. Then I began to worry, like did I make him mad or something. So today I go on Facebook and it says he's in a relationship.....WOW. Welp that explained why he hasn't talked to me. So anyways I feel like I've been played by who I thought was the most sweetest guy. Guess I was wrong. What guy says he likes you and talks to you everyday then clear out of the blue he's in a relationship. Like what no thats so not ok. But whatever he's out of my life. I'll just find someone else. Welp by Randy Dandy. Cuz I am done.

~ This Chapter Of My Life Is Closed ~

How Can I Let Go

I want to run, I want to hide.
From all the pain he caused inside.
I want to scream, I want to cry.
Why can't I tell him Goodbye?

I want to move on, I just can't let go.